| Published date | Text |
| 17/11/85 | Calvin and Hobbes November 18 It starts all over again! |
| 18/11/85 | So long Pop! Im off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday so Im sure to have a tiger by now! They like tuna fish huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. Were kind of stupid that way. Munch Munch |
| 19/11/85 | So Dad what do I do when I catch a tiger? Bring it home and stuff it Calvin! Cant you see Im busy? Sheesh. No really I couldnt eat another bite! |
| 20/11/85 | Whats all this noise? Youre supposed to be asleep! It was Hobbes Dad! He was jumping on the bed! Honest! Hobbes was not jumping on the bed! Now go to sleep! You were too jumping on the bed! Well you were the one playing the cymbals!! |
| 21/11/85 | Show and tell is over Calvin. Please put your tiger in your locker. In my locker?! Hell suffocate! Well at least put him under your chair. Whey! That was a close one! Ill say! Sever plus three. Seventy-three. |
| 22/11/85 | Good night Calvin. night Dad! Hey! Arent you going to say good night to Hobbes?! Good night Hobbes. Thats it?! No story? No smooch?? Go to sleep you sissy. |
| 23/11/85 | Whats this? Taste it. Youll love it. You know youll hate something when they wont tell you what it is. |
| 24/11/85 | Outrage! Why should I go to bed? Im not tired! Its only 7:30! This is tyranny! Im ZZZZ Good night Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. Youre safe. What about the dresser? Calvin Im sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. Ill bet thats where they all are. Theyll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So whos going to fall asleep? Well well just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn and Ill nail em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! Whats all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and Ill finish him off! |
| 25/11/85 | Any monsters under my bed tonight!! Well thered better not be! Id hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower! You have a flame thrower?? They lie. I lie. |
| 26/11/85 | Mom can I drive on the way back? Of course not Calvin. Can I just steer then? I promise I wont crash. No Calvin. Can I work the gas and brakes while you steer? No Calvin. You never let me do anything. |
| 27/11/85 | Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare winds through this happy municipality. Here a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover dam... |
| 28/11/85 | This smells like bat barf! That does it young man! You are excused to your room! Dont you think thats a little harsh dear? Hell get hungry. Calvin has got to learn some manners! He wont starve to death. ...and extra pepperoni! |
| 29/11/85 | Well see what the principal has to say about your attention span young man! The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer! Moments from the torture chamber Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass? |
| 30/11/85 | Do you believe in fate? You mean that our lives are predestined? Yeah ... that the things we do are inevitable. What a scary thought! |
| 01/12/85 | No! goodness what was all that fuss? Oh Calvin didnt want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! Im doomed. I cant believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! Ive got you now kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I dont want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die fiend! Die die!! Dont tell me hes letting out the water already! Believe it lady. |
| 02/12/85 | Bad news dad. Your polls are way down. My polls? You rate especially low among tigers and six-year-old white males. If you want to stay Dad Id suggest you adopt some key planks to your platform. Some special interest groups are in for a surprise. Of those polled virtually all flavor increased allowances and the commencement of driving lessons. |
| 03/12/85 | Theres a new girl in our class. Well! Whats her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No! |
| 04/12/85 | Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins is that your face or is a possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm you freak! Shes cute isnt she?? Go away. |
| 05/12/85 | Hi Calvin. Mind if I join you for lunch? Yes. I have soup today. What do you have? A squid eyeball sandwich. You do not! Dont be disgusting. I like to suck out the retinas. Miss Wormwood! Care for a bite? Or were you leaving? |
| 06/12/85 | You cant come up here Susie! No girls allowed. What on earth makes you think Id want to sit up in a stupid tree in the first place?!? Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination. |
| 07/12/85 | Wheee! Houston we have a negative on that orbit trajectory. |
| 08/12/85 | Our hero the valiant Spaceman Spiff is marooned on a strange world ... Ill set my Mertilizer on deep fat fry. Calvin! Youre not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! Whats that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me Fred. |
| 09/12/85 | Oh Mary you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling dont you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? Ive got to have you! Lets murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school. |
| 10/12/85 | Mom can I set fire to my bed mattress? No Calvin. Can I ride my tricycle on the roof? No Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No Calvin. Shes on to me. |
| 11/12/85 | No Mom! Dont put me to bed! I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9 p.m.! Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a bath! Listen just because you never take one ... |
| 12/12/85 | Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch? |
| 13/12/85 | Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping! |
| 14/12/85 | Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? |
| 15/12/85 | We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiffs alive! He made it!! Im alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings Calvin. |
| 16/12/85 | Calvin are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Dont the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once and now nobody does. Why what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ... |
| 17/12/85 | Calvin! Whats all this noise?! Youre supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin its just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry ol buddy good thing I missed occasionally huh? Yeah let me see your bat a minute. |
| 18/12/85 | Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good. |
| 19/12/85 | Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps. |
| 20/12/85 | I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if were good or if were bad? |
| 21/12/85 | Were lost again. Ha! Were brave explorers! The word lost isnt even in our vocabulary! How about the word Mommy? Mommmyyy!! |
| 22/12/85 | There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! Sunny and warmer today high in the upper thirties ... Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation well let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together a veritable fist of defiance we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff! |
| 23/12/85 | Hey! Wheres the stocking for Hobbes? Wheres Santa gonna stick Hobbes loot if Hobbes doesnt have a stocking?!? Okay okay ... Ill make Hobbes a stocking. Dont worry. Make it big but not as big as mine. ...Hobbes loot?? dont look at me! Im done shopping! |
| 24/12/85 | Are you still awake? Of course! Its midnight. Lets go! As soon as he drops the bag down you grab it and Ill close the flue! |
| 25/12/85 | Uh Hobbes? ... I forgot to get you a present. I didnt even make you a card ... Im sorry Hobbes. I didnt mean to forget. Its okay little buddy. I didnt get you anything either. But heres a tiger hug for being my best friend. Not so hard you big sissy. You squeeze my tears out. Merry Christmas. |
| 26/12/85 | How long do you think it is till bedtime? Oh six or seven hours I imagine. Why do you ask? With any luck mom will notice were missing by then. |
| 27/12/85 | Calvin! What are you doing to the coffee table?!? Is this some sort of trick question or what? |
| 28/12/85 | Hey Calvin you want to play house? I dont know. How do you play? Okay ... first you come home from work. Then I come home from work. Well gripe about our jobs and then well argue over whose turn it is to microwave dinner. |
| 29/12/85 | Very grim Calvin. Youre still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it Calvin. Gagpth! Im free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! Youll never escape vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... Its your fault we didnt have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here. |
| 30/12/85 | It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means Ive been watching all the wrong channels. |
| 31/12/85 | Im not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea Calvin. Its a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working. |
| 01/01/86 | Dad how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question and get all your television privileges revoked. |
| 02/01/86 | Hobbes have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldnt be so fuzzy ... |
| 03/01/86 | What do you find attractive in women Hobbes? Well Ive always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Lets change the subject. |
| 04/01/86 | Having transformed myself into a werewolf I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin stop that disgusting drooling! |
| 05/01/86 | I love winter days. Theyre so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey you dummy! Youll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk. |
| 06/01/86 | All right class who would like to give his book report first? Calvin how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ... |
| 07/01/86 | 2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question as it is against my religious principles. Its worth a shot. |
| 08/01/86 | Hobbes what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like. |
| 09/01/86 | We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We dont like girls? Of course not dummy! Were a murderous bunch of pirates remember?! Who do we smooch then? |
| 10/01/86 | What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all this way mom didnt have to pack me a lunch! |
| 11/01/86 | Well Hobbes we did it again. Were separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately our motto is Be prepared. With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we dont get hungry. |
| 12/01/86 | Im home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look I dont want to sew Hobbes up again so why dont you two go do something quiet? Okay okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! Thats because she wanted another tiger not you! |
| 13/01/86 | Calvin pass this note to Jessica. Its a secret note so dont read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie. |
| 14/01/86 | That dirty Susie Derkins. Shell be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica okay? Teacher! Susies passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! Dear Jessica you know what I hate about Calvin? Hes a squealer! Signed Susie. I hope you know a good dentist Susie ... |
| 15/01/86 | Now look! You got us sent to the principals office! Gosh! Do you think well get paddled?? They cant paddle me! Im a girl!! Whats that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies. |
| 16/01/86 | Calvin I dont want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? Well be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! Youre gonna answer to my parents if I cant get my masters degree! |
| 17/01/86 | Calvin and Susie would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! Thats a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? Ill never pass notes again! Dont spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job. |
| 18/01/86 | Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on medium well ... |
| 19/01/86 | It says here that Religion is the opiate of the masses. ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadnt seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When youre old youll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly. |
| 20/01/86 | ... and with that report we ... click beeeoooop click rats. |
| 21/01/86 | Mom can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not Calvin. Dont be ridiculous. Why cant I? Because youd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said dont do it. Okay okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in? |
| 22/01/86 | Whats this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. Youll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I dont love it?!? Then it will build character. Thats my dad. Always looking out for me. |
| 23/01/86 | Calvin! Youre going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin its almost 7:30! Are you up?? Im coming. See? I told you it wouldnt work! Of course not dummy! You didnt put on any pants! |
| 24/01/86 | Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well I wonder how one finds out! ... here let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan. |
| 25/01/86 | Hey Mom whens lunch? Later Calvin. Im busy. But Im hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious. |
| 26/01/86 | McZargalds ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served. Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ... |
| 27/01/86 | Hi Dad. Its me Calvin! Hows work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out isnt it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well just thought Id ask ... listen I suppose youre wondering why I called ... |
| 28/01/86 | Dad your polls took a big dive this week. Your Overall Dad performance rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin you didnt get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! Id suggest a new line of work Dad ... |
| 29/01/86 | The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin? |
| 30/01/86 | Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky lets have that ball. Sure Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves. |
| 31/01/86 | Hey! You took my favorite swing! Thats true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station. |
| 01/02/86 | Moe I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isnt he great folks? Lets give him a big hand. |
| 02/02/86 | What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel Supertoad goes Plooie and ... My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end. Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings. |
| 03/02/86 | A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. Whats a peck? A quick smooch. You know I dont understand math at all. |
| 04/02/86 | Mom can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again. |
| 05/02/86 | Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it. |
| 06/02/86 | Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay Im ready! |
| 07/02/86 | I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know reincarnation? You just steer okay? |
| 08/02/86 | Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers he quickly ... Mommmmmmm! |
| 09/02/86 | Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No Hobbes doesnt need one. Hold still. By golly what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! Cmere! Mom cant know youre in here okay? Ill disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on and Ill get one of Dads. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie too. Ill be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!! |
| 10/02/86 | Wake up Calvin. Its time for school. Im not going to school anymore. You have to. Its the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesnt he have to go to school? Hes a tiger. Get up. Whats being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve. |
| 11/02/86 | Do you think its better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think its better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ... |
| 12/02/86 | Im making Susie Derkins a valentine. Shes a cutie all right. See I made a big red heart. Now Im putting lace around it. Thats very sweet. Im sure shell like it. Susie I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin. |
| 13/02/86 | Id like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through? |
| 14/02/86 | Calvin you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So heres a valentine for you you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me! |
| 15/02/86 | No text |
| 16/02/86 | Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! Youre so ugly I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! Its shameless the way we flirt. Whats it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. Thats love?!? Medically speaking. Heck that happened to me once but I figured it was cooties!! |
| 17/02/86 | Hey Calvin its gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I dont want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. Whats a little extortion among friends? |
| 18/02/86 | I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence mindless sex and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Moms going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didnt buy it for the music ... |
| 19/02/86 | Mom will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? Its a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal. |
| 20/02/86 | Calvin youre not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed Spiff bolts for the air lock making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin. |
| 21/02/86 | Im home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room? |
| 22/02/86 | Mommmm! Im thirsty! Whats this? Just water? |
| 23/02/86 | Hey Mom can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! Whats wrong with you now?!? Thats it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We dont mind! Calvin be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. Ill look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobodys stopping to help. Lets blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! Were heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide. |
| 24/02/86 | I need help on my homework. Whats a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality. |
| 25/02/86 | Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Cant Hobbes come along Dad? He wont eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if hell leave the keys too so I can listen to the radio. |
| 26/02/86 | Calvin your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. Its important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! Im rich! Im rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear! |
| 27/02/86 | When I grow up I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... Im going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... Im going to watch TV all night. Thats what you think buster! You can never tell if theyre listening or not. |
| 28/02/86 | Heres a good movie! Vampire Sorority Babes! It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck thats no problem! Lets go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one. |
| 01/03/86 | I think its time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well your mom helped some too. |
| 02/03/86 | Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. Thats good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice. |
| 03/03/86 | Youre gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. Im dead. Fifth period - Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism. Also known as gym class. |
| 04/03/86 | I cant get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We wont be gone long couldnt Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do? |
| 05/03/86 | Okay Calvin. Well be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? Id like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have Attach of the Coed Cannibals. |
| 06/03/86 | Well the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No dont come in. the rug is rigged too. |
| 07/03/86 | Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try! |
| 08/03/86 | Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla. |
| 09/03/86 | How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. Whens Christmas? Not for a long time. Whens my birthday? Not for a long time. Whens my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin Im trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want. |
| 10/03/86 | Boy is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look was this my idea? |
| 11/03/86 | Oh no I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? Its somewhere in this field. Well never find it. Youll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? Its 25 cents!! |
| 12/03/86 | Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isnt that weird? |
| 13/03/86 | Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes ok? Maam? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on! |
| 14/03/86 | There hows that look? Thats great. Perfect. Without question this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ... |
| 15/03/86 | Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halleys comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they arent. thats just superstition. Really?? Guess Id better write that book report. |
| 16/03/86 | Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No thanks. Well be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvins flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I wont take the dinner flight. |
| 17/03/86 | Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin what did you do?! |
| 18/03/86 | Well Dad your polls are real high this week. Im glad to hear that. Yep those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact with a little push today your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh! |
| 19/03/86 | Here comes Moe the class bully. Hes not smart but hes streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on. |
| 20/03/86 | Toll booth Dad! You cant put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you dont Ill pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate. |
| 21/03/86 | A little lower ... ok fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! Ive got to go to work!! |
| 22/03/86 | Whats that cereal youre eating? Its my new favorite Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually theyre kinda bland till you scoop sugar on em. |
| 23/03/86 | How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. Ill be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. Were at war so if you get hit with a dart youre dead and the other side wins ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game isnt it? |
| 24/03/86 | Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well I suppose. I brought you your favorite! Hows it coming? Well I couldnt figure out this subtraction problem so I put Atlanta Georgia ... |
| 25/03/86 | Hey Susie wanna see a magic trick? First Ill need a ordinary quarter ... Now Ill disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didnt I say it was a trick?? |
| 26/03/86 | Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad wont be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ... |
| 27/03/86 | Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive. |
| 28/03/86 | Ive decided we should be cooler than we are. Were not cool? Sure were cool. But were not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! Its cool to bump into things? You dont move just hang around. |
| 29/03/86 | Hey Dad will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Dont be silly. Even if I didnt use it in the house? |
| 30/03/86 | Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I dont need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See Ill just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Moms going to have a fit about those rose bushes. |
| 31/03/86 | I told you Im not sick! Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a tongue depressor. It wont hurt at all. Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a stethoscope. It wont hurt at all. Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor. |
| 01/04/86 | Hey Doc why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? Youre not going to amputate are you? Are you?? Whats that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! Im dying! I hope youve paid your malpractice insurance you quack!! Wheres my mom??! |
| 02/04/86 | Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. Its a jungle in here! |
| 03/04/86 | Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch. |
| 04/04/86 | I dont think Ill go to school today. I think you will. I think I wont. Rats. |
| 05/04/86 | Good night Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts? |
| 06/04/86 | What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe Ill trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No thanks. Its bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think Ill have this little kid!! Help! Im being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! Hes got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? Its bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasnt taken. |
| 07/04/86 | Somewhere in communist Russia Ill bet theres a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe hes heard about America and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday Id like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans. |
| 08/04/86 | Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks. |
| 09/04/86 | My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! Its Dads. I buried it here last week. |
| 10/04/86 | Spaceman Spiff bold interplanetary explorer spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin if you shoot that paper clip at me Ill get your bottom hauled to the principals office so fast youll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed. |
| 11/04/86 | It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. Ill get my sewing kit. Its just a little cut. I dont need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! Its not surgery youre just getting a couple of stiches! Whats the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic. |
| 12/04/86 | What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means youre sleeping on the floor tonight you nincompoop! |
| 13/04/86 | Hey Dad remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean Remember? Hobbes I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well hypothetically lets say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad hypothetically to his car? Well lets pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. Ill call the bus station. Que pasa senorita? I am el fugitivo! |
| 14/04/86 | Why cant I stay up late? You guys can! Its not fair! The world isnt fair Calvin. I know but why isnt it ever unfair in my favor? |
| 15/04/86 | The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But hes too late! The awful scum being is upon him! Its all over! Its all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside! |
| 16/04/86 | As dictator I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed Calvin. Couldnt we vote on this? |
| 17/04/86 | If you could wish for anything what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! Youve got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually its hard to argue with someone who looks so happy. |
| 18/04/86 | Here fish! They must know that one. |
| 19/04/86 | Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead Hobbes. |
| 20/04/86 | Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible Calvin. Ill get you some cough medicine. It wasnt me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasnt me! I know but that cough syrup tastes awful. So youre going to have me take it? Nothing doing buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! Hes the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! Youre not fooling me one bit you stinker. |
| 21/04/86 | I cant get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Dont they? |
| 22/04/86 | Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well actually the story itself wasnt so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose! |
| 23/04/86 | Youve got two periods to live Twinky. Then its gym class and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic. |
| 24/04/86 | Wheres my jacket? Ive looked everywhere! Under the bed over my chair on the stairs on the hall floor in the kitchen ... its just not anywhere! Oh here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!? |
| 25/04/86 | Hocus-pocus Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework be done! Flip flip flip. Rats. |
| 26/04/86 | Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again. |
| 27/04/86 | Im taking the umbrella outside. Well thats showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Lets go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! Im flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Lets get some other kids and charge em! |
| 28/04/86 | Fearless Spaceman Spiff closes in on the fleeing Zargons! Once again our hero is about to teach vicious alien scum that virtue is its own reward! He locks onto target! Psst Calvin! What was the capital of Poland until 1600! Krakow. Thanks. Krakow! Krakow! Two direct hits! |
| 29/04/86 | The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley ... the terrifying lizard is three stories tall and his mouth is filled with six-inch chisels of death! With a few mighty steps the dinosaur is upon a tribe of fleeing cavemen. He devours them one by one! Araragh! Aaieee! Aaughh! Calvin eat your popcorn quietly! |
| 30/04/86 | What does this word mean? Which one? That long one. I dont know. You do too!! All right! Wheres a dictionary?? |
| 01/05/86 | Can I watch the movie Killer Prom Queen on tv? No. Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Yes. Can I stay up till midnight? No. Theres an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is. |
| 02/05/86 | Lets see what happens if you cook popcorn without a lid. Pow. Kapwing. Bang. Pow. Boing. Zang. Heck. Thats more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave! Lets do some more! |
| 03/05/86 | Cmon Calvin. Were going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you cant win by reason go for volume. |
| 04/05/86 | Honey we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While Im taking my bath you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad wont mind if I use his cologne will he? Well go easy this time. Think I should shave? No go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Heres a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of GQ! boy I look good in anything dont I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list. |
| 05/05/86 | So the contractor says it will cost about $200 to fix. Oh that dumb kid! Well. Its all part of raising a child right? Mm. Youre not sorry we had Calvin are you? Are you? I asked first besides it wasnt all my decision. All I know is that I offered to buy us a Dachshund. But no you said. |
| 06/05/86 | Do you think theres a god? Well somebodys out to get me. |
| 07/05/86 | Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alient vessel! The alien being unnaturally stupid is blissfully ignorant of its imminent doom! Our hero locks onto target and warms up his frap-ray blaster! Miss Wormwood!! Zounds! A Gorkon death station appears! Evasive action! |
| 08/05/86 | Whack! Wow! Another hole in one! |
| 09/05/86 | Wow! Three new magazines for me today. Yesterday I got five. I love getting all this mail. How come you receive all these magazines? I went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said Bill me later. |
| 10/05/86 | I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about ... idiots explosives and falling anvils. |
| 11/05/86 | Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I dont want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? Im not gonna spear any worms. I know ... lets just dump the worms in the water and when the fish come up to eat them well catch them in the net! Pretty smart huh? Thats what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Lets pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah whod want to eat something that eats worms anyway? |
| 12/05/86 | Calvin the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that! |
| 13/05/86 | In his minuscule size it takes Calvin the human insect ten minutes to walk across a books page! At the other end he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then its another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. Hes doing his homework. |
| 14/05/86 | Heres a movie we should watch. Whos in it? It says Japanese cast. Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Doesnt that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible. |
| 15/05/86 | Oh Rosalyn youre here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. Weve had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes let me get my purse ... |
| 16/05/86 | Hi Baby Doll. Its me. Yeah. Im baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. Thats right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasnt been any trouble you just have to show these kids whos the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 oclock and its almost 6:30 now. |
| 17/05/86 | Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. Thats good. Ill get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone? |
| 18/05/86 | Weve got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! Were going! Be good ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. Youre not my mom. So I dont have to do anything you say. Im going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldnt want me to have to call any of those numbers would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess Ill turn in. for eight bucks a night I dont put up with much. |
| 19/05/86 | What a great night to camp out! Wheres our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent I threw it away. |
| 20/05/86 | The best part about these hikes is getting to see so much wildlife. Look! A tiger! A tiger?! Dont do that! |
| 21/05/86 | Were separated from the troop and hopelessly lost! Left alone in the uncompromising wild to survive by our wits unaided! Hey dummy! The scoutmaster says to grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear! Well try to lose em again over the next hill. |
| 22/05/86 | Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh thats just great. Here weve been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing. |
| 23/05/86 | Bop. Spike! Uh oh. Wed better leave. It looks like some big people want to play tennis. |
| 24/05/86 | The crocodile floats to the top of the murky Amazon. Completely motionless he appears to be only a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches and ensures its instant death! Calvin what are you doing? Are you all right? Closer ... closer ... |
| 25/05/86 | Look it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then Ill know better! Mom can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom sometimes shes pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. Youd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health. |
| 26/05/86 | Mom! Mom! A big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbes! I tried to catch him but I couldnt. And now Ive lost my best friend! Well Calvin. If you wouldnt drag that tiger everywhere things like this wouldnt happen. Theres no problem so awful that you cant add some more guilt to it and make it worse! |
| 27/05/86 | I cant sleep at all. Poor Hobbes! I wonder where he is. I hope hes ok. Sniff. What did I ever do to deserve this? Whatever it was Im sorry already! |
| 28/05/86 | Lost: My tiger Hobbes. Maybe you should describe him. On the quiet side somewhat peculiar. A good companion in a weird sort of way. I mean what does he look like? Oh. |
| 29/05/86 | Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dogs been chewing on you fella. Well nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldnt help. Cmon. |
| 30/05/86 | Hobbes! Hobbes! Where are you?? Hello Calvin. Would you like to join my tea party? Heck no. Im trying to find my best friend whos been kidnapped by a dog. Leave me alone. Well I think Mr. Calvin is very rude dont you Mr. Tiger? Yes. I think so too. More tea anyone? |
| 31/05/86 | Hey I should tell Susie to keep her eyes open for Hobbes. Susie I ... Hobbes! You found Hobbes! Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Well! Wasnt Mr. Calvin a gentleman! I do hope hey! Who took all the cookies?!? |
| 01/06/86 | Whats that smell? Either moms cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is Im not eating it. Im stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? Theyll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? Were having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? Ive never had monkey heads before! I wonder what theyre like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look is that a nose? Whats this? Brains? I didnt think theyd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is Im not eating it! |
| 02/06/86 | Susie wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. Hes trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so well be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Dont worry. |
| 03/06/86 | Hobbes what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. Whats that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. Thats your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesnt impress the girls of course but theres no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say. |
| 04/06/86 | Hobbes I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies wont let me use the oven? |
| 05/06/86 | Its too early to be in bed. Its hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? Its ridiculous. Im not even tired! I dont need to be in bed! This is an outrage! Its the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I cant sleep at all. Can you sleep Hobbes? No! |
| 06/06/86 | Ok Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? Youve got it made! No responsibilities no cares no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didnt you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. Shes in one of her moods. |
| 07/06/86 | I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon and Im incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far! |
| 08/06/86 | No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although its not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ... |
| 09/06/86 | In the commercials this cola greatly increases ones sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenues part. Phoo! Right up my nose. |
| 10/06/86 | Its an outrage that six-year-olds cant vote! Here I am a US citizen with no voice in our representative government! Youre concerned about the direction the country is headed? No I just want a bigger piece of the pie. |
| 11/06/86 | Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens I think I blew my face inside out! |
| 12/06/86 | The waters too cold! Now its too hot. Now its too cold. Now its too deep. |
| 13/06/86 | The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know for someone who hates baths as much as you do youre not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill. |
| 14/06/86 | Here Calvin Ill show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose. |
| 15/06/86 | We should make Dad a Fathers day card. Okay Ill draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning Dad! Happy Fathers day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes Early to bed early to rise. You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present but A penny saved is a penny earned as you say ... so Im now earning 6% on the money I didnt spend. Yes Dad. Thanks to you Im a happier better person. Good work Socrates. I knew wed made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement. |
| 16/06/86 | Ive never been this high in a tree before. Me either you can see for miles from up here. Ill say! Im glad were up here. That was quite a crash wasnt it? |
| 17/06/86 | The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Lets go! Whats that? Its when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms. |
| 18/06/86 | Calvin quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Werent you listening either? |
| 19/06/86 | Bang! Youre dead! No Im not you missed. I did not! You cheater! Im here talking to you arent I? Ok then ... bang! My what a miserable shot you are! |
| 20/06/86 | Hurry up Calvin our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? Were afraid he might eat someone. Lets go. Thats right you probably would wouldnt you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant. |
| 21/06/86 | Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And youre going to walk it wise guy! |
| 22/06/86 | Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Whos out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team? |
| 23/06/86 | A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Dont move and it wont sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it. |
| 24/06/86 | Ok lets flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Lets do it again! Flush. I dont want to know what hes doing do you. No lets go check. |
| 25/06/86 | Ive had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs. |
| 26/06/86 | Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me Oliver Twist to read and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and Sorority Row Horror is on cable tonight. |
| 27/06/86 | I got a helium balloon. Very nice. Im going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothings happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didnt hang on. |
| 28/06/86 | Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! Im done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick. |
| 29/06/86 | Calvin quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin Im trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I dont care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! Were going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But were all through now. You won. |
| 30/06/86 | Whats all the rukus?! Youre supposed to be asleep! And whats with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didnt hear you offer any brainstorms! |
| 01/07/86 | You see Hobbes. I have a water balloon and you dont. I therefore have the offensive superiority. So you have to do what I say. What do you think of that? I think Ill take this stick and poke your balloon. Thats the trouble with weapons technology. It becomes obsolete so quickly. |
| 02/07/86 | Oh my gosh Hobbes! Dont move! What? What is it? The biggest ugliest fuzziest caterpillar Ive ever seen is about to chomp your bottom! Aaugh! Kill it! Kill it! Youww! Wham! You know what your problem is? Youve got no appreciation for physical humor. Thats what! |
| 03/07/86 | Where are you going? Im going to walk to the other side of the lake. Whats the bucket for? To drain the lake. |
| 04/07/86 | You know what I like about summer days? Theyre just made for doing things ... even if its nothing. Especially if its nothing. |
| 05/07/86 | This looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. What will we do with it if we catch one? Well thats one thing we dont need to worry about. You dont know what one is either huh? |
| 06/07/86 | Hobbes. You didnt bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No I prefer furry dipping. Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Dont tell me we drove an hour and a half for this! |
| 07/07/86 | When are we going to get our vacation site? I wanna be there! Calvin its an eight-hour drive. Were not even out of our state yet. Its going to be a while relax. How much longer now? I told you we should have flown. |
| 08/07/86 | Theres a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? Thats all weve eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers hamburgers hamburgers! Im sick of hamburgers! Were eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Heres a hamburger joint! Are you happy?! |
| 09/07/86 | I have to go the bathroom. Calvin we just pulled out of the restaurant cant you wait? Think of something else. All I can think of is Niagara Falls and the Hoover Dam and Noahs Ark and ... ooh boy now I have to go! Next year I swear Ill just take a vacation by myself. |
| 10/07/86 | This trip was excruciating thank goodness were here. Eight hours crammed in a car with a hyperactive six-year old! What an ordeal. Well now Calvin can run and scream all he likes. Ahh what a great little place. Im bored when are we leaving? Youre bored? Would you like me to show you how an anchor works? |
| 11/07/86 | Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am Im back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The days hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... Ive seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isnt there any TV up here? I hate this place. |
| 12/07/86 | Dad look! I caught a fish! Hey thats a big one. Ill show you how to clean it and well have it for dinner. Clean it? Cut off its head and gut it. Mmm! Pass me another of these great cheese sandwiches! Ha ha. No bones in these right? |
| 13/07/86 | Guess whats short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If youre going to tear around do it outside!! Okay okay ... |
| 14/07/86 | Wow look down there! I think thats the dim outline of a whale! I think thats a rock. And that must be a giant eel slithering up from the bottom! I think thats a weed. Ill bet this is the mast of an old spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Its a branch. Man this is boring. I wish there was a movie theater some place. |
| 15/07/86 | Want to go fishing? Sure. Fishing is one sport I really like. I can see why ... its so contemplative. Theres another one!! |
| 16/07/86 | Gzzzzzzzz! Waaauughhhh! Sploosh. |
| 17/07/86 | Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I dont like food cooked out do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same. |
| 18/07/86 | Flowers are pretty stupid. See its a bright sunny day out right? Well with this watering can I can make them think its raining. Its fun to mess with their minds. |
| 19/07/86 | The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Dont be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you will you please? |
| 20/07/86 | Its another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize its his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin the mighty giant goes on a terrible rampage striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! Its panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No I wont buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those! |
| 21/07/86 | Cmon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I dont want swimming lessons!! Too late. Lets go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No its not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry and until we do we smell funny. |
| 22/07/86 | I cant believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well look whos here! |
| 23/07/86 | Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! Im freezing already! Calvin do you know what a Rat Tail is? No. its when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that. |
| 24/07/86 | This water is freezing! Im going to go into shock and drown I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and shes going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok first were going to learn the deadmans float. Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college. |
| 25/07/86 | I dont want to learn how to swim! I dont need to know how. Ill just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal. |
| 26/07/86 | Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no. |
| 27/07/86 | Hey mom are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers darting this way and that! Oh no! hes caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock but I think Ill forget it. |
| 28/07/86 | Hi Calvin what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! Were doing great things. Were having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You dont know anything. |
| 29/07/86 | That stupid Calvin. Hes so mean. All I try to do is be friends and he treats me like Im nobody. Well who needs jerks like him anyway? I dont need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop! |
| 30/07/86 | Susie Hobbes thought I was rude so Im sorry and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks Calvin. Thats really nice of you. Ok well play house now. Ill be the high-powered executive wife the tiger here can be my unemployed housekeeping husband and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea pea brain. Dont you talk to your father that way! Im off to wall street. Dont wait up. |
| 31/07/86 | The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! Im getting sick. |
| 01/08/86 | Whack! Tell me this isnt a spitball!! |
| 02/08/86 | Hobbes quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion. |
| 03/08/86 | Boy its quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! Ill get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless of course he went so far as to ... |
| 04/08/86 | Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But its not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor. |
| 05/08/86 | Making a sign? Im declaring the creek back in the woods Calvins creek. When you discover something youre allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didnt discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there right? |
| 06/08/86 | Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain Mom? No. why not? Youll get soaked. Whats wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia run up a terrible hospital bill linger a few months and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous. |
| 07/08/86 | Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There arent any caves around here! You dont need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk! |
| 08/08/86 | Well dad off to work? Too bad Im on summer vacation so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more. |
| 09/08/86 | Hot day isnt it? Ill say. But its the humidity that really gets to me. You dont like it when its humid? Not at all. Then youd better get out quick. |
| 10/08/86 | Go on three ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I cant believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a pop! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs. |
| 11/08/86 | Whats for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow! |
| 12/08/86 | Hi Hobbes! Good heavens whats wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? Its worth a try ... Ill bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles. |
| 13/08/86 | Dont make faces at the table Calvin. I cant help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day and it just did. No it didnt. it did dad! Mom was right Im horribly disfigured for life. No you arent. but dont worry I wont spoil dinner. See? Elephant man! |
| 14/08/86 | Here comes Susie. Ha! Wont she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi Susie. Hi Calvin. What did you do get your head stuck in a blender? Its an improvement. |
| 15/08/86 | Are the coals hot? Yes theyre very hot Im just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? Ive got the most boring dad in the world. |
| 16/08/86 | With these snorkels we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish well be able to see! We can collect shells! Lets go! Well so far this has been a major disappointment. |
| 17/08/86 | You know Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldnt survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go the slower time goes. Gotcha. Its 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. Were going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25 time still hasnt stopped. Has time stopped now? No just my heart. Well it looks like Einsteins a fraud wouldnt you say? No hes right! Look my watch isnt going at all any more!! |
| 18/08/86 | Add two eggs and stir. Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes so well each get ten. Nah thats too much trouble. Well just make one big pancake and cut it in half. |
| 19/08/86 | Dad I want a bedime story! Im busy Calvin Ill read you one tomorrow. If you dont read me a story I wont go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I dont like these stories with morals. |
| 20/08/86 | Dinners ready Calvin. Come to the table. Im watching television. No youre not! Yes I am. Im right here in front of it! No youre not! Oh thats right. Im at the table. |
| 21/08/86 | I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? Ive seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol turtle? Ha! |
| 22/08/86 | Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think youre a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go! |
| 23/08/86 | Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold eh Tarzan? |
| 24/08/86 | Wanna toss the ol pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but hes tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!! |
| 25/08/86 | I think Im using too strong a sun screen. |
| 26/08/86 | Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. Weve been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh! |
| 27/08/86 | Youre on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. Thats not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours! |
| 28/08/86 | With a drink of magic elixir Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy as soon as you want something done around here that kids nowhere to be seen. |
| 29/08/86 | Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!? |
| 30/08/86 | Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin being your Dad is not an elected position. I dont have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I dont like the direction this conversation is taking. |
| 31/08/86 | Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life but his grip is weakening! He cant hold on! He ... he lets go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No no let him finish. This is very interesting so after you landed in Phoenix what happened? Well I dont care. Im not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well about then my gravity came back so I ... |
| 01/09/86 | Im going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. Its decided to maim me first. |
| 02/09/86 | They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle you never forget. That doesnt surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy. |
| 03/09/86 | Easy ... easy ... hold it still ... there! Look! I did it! Im balancing! Thats good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up? |
| 04/09/86 | Crash! It jumped me!! |
| 05/09/86 | Look theres a frog! Cmon lets catch it! Im not getting near it. Why not? They drink water all day just in case someone picks them up. |
| 06/09/86 | Im going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books! Oh no youre not! Why not?! Because Im your mother and I said so. Get back in here. And you can stop goose-stepping around the house! |
| 07/09/86 | Do you think boogeymen really exist? I dont know. ... but if they do Im sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story Ive ever heard. Lets get back to the tent! I dont think Ill ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didnt you? I dont know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. Im glad we carried a generator all this distance. |
| 08/09/86 | Hey Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No we had pizza last night and besides its too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh youd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If youd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies. |
| 09/09/86 | Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right Im back already! Cant I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes Mom not me. |
| 10/09/86 | See any UFOs? Not yet. Well keep your eyes peeled. Theyre bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser. |
| 11/09/86 | Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh. |
| 12/09/86 | Calvin I dont want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isnt quite the same is it? |
| 13/09/86 | Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin drink your milk in little sips! |
| 14/09/86 | Spaceman Spiff is hit! Hes going down! Fortunately our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planets atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiffs blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish Id brought my lunch today! Thats gross Calvin! If you dont like the cafeterias tapioca just leave it alone! |
| 15/09/86 | Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh come on you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun. |
| 16/09/86 | I cant believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! Ill never be able to write that much! Its not fair!! Hows it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV? |
| 17/09/86 | In soccer you cant touch the ball with your hands or arms. See you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah but your face?? Doesnt that that hurt? Rrrrghh! Thats not what I meant to do! |
| 18/09/86 | I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No I dont think violence would be justified. Heres another hypothetical question. What if I already did? |
| 19/09/86 | Ive decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Thats nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought shed put up more of a fuss than that. |
| 20/09/86 | How about these pants Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens look at the price! I dont have pants that cost this much! And youll grow right out of these! Honestly why would any kid need designer clothes?? Babes. Babes Mom. I gotta look cool. |
| 21/09/86 | Dont turn out the light Dad! You didnt check under the bed for monsters! Im sure there are no monsters under your bed go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? Theres no answer. Do you think theyre gone? Maybe theyre just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy am I full! I mustve gained ten pounds today! Maybe Im getting a little plump! Youre bigger Calvin but theres no fat on you! I guess youre right. Im getting big but Im still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. Well go out the window. |
| 22/09/86 | Pay up squirt. Forget it Moe. Im not giving you the money. In fact I dont even have any. Gee thats too bad. Oh wait yes I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary hes awfully persuasive. |
| 23/09/86 | Ok Hobbes heres the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me and when Moe comes to steal my money you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldnt do that! Sure you could! Whats wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well just chew him up and spit him out I dont care!! |
| 24/09/86 | If that bully is extorting money Im going to call the school and put an end to it. Dont do that! If Moe finds out I squealed Im a goner! This kid cant get away with stealing Calvin. Somebodys got to do something. Heres a list of what Im wearing. See you at the morgue. |
| 25/09/86 | Hey Twinkie heres the 2 cents I borrowed from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me and its gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think Ill use the quarter to call my insurance agent. |
| 26/09/86 | Hi Dad its me! Calvin is this important? Im very busy this morning. Ill make it fast Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye. |
| 27/09/86 | Ring Ring. Hello Calvin speaking. Id like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh Im sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyones day a little more surreal. |
| 28/09/86 | Quit squirming Calvin. Youve got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream Dad. It was great. Youre welcome. Im tired of pulling you. Its my turn to ride. Your Dad didnt get me any ice cream so I get to ride both ways. No you dont! Dad said tigers dont like ice cream! Its my turn to ride! Tigers dont know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. Im not pulling. Ive got news fuzz brain. Im not pulling either! Well then I guess well both just sit here until we die. Why do these walks always end up as rides? oh you need the exercise more anyway. |
| 29/09/86 | What are you doing? Being cool. You look more like youre being bored. The world bores you when youre cool. |
| 30/09/86 | Look I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be cool. A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people dont wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being cool if you cant wear a sombrero? |
| 01/10/86 | Im back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! Ill be cool in these boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You dont look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe Im new wave. Maybe youre just stupid. |
| 02/10/86 | Here comes Susie. Im going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow! |
| 03/10/86 | Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Lets play something else. |
| 04/10/86 | Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm! |
| 05/10/86 | Im hungry whens lunch? Right now. Hi Susie! Oh look youve got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! Hell grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! Hes a monster! No hes not. Hes a big cutie. Oh no! I cant look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head. |
| 06/10/86 | With great effort Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote Help Im a bug on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange. |
| 07/10/86 | Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks. |
| 08/10/86 | Whats this music? Its The 1812 Overture. I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring! |
| 09/10/86 | Boy what a day! I went to school. Played outside and did my homework. Im exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh 7:35. Its Miller time. Get back here. |
| 10/10/86 | Psst ... Susie! Whats 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That cant be right ... thats what she said 3+4 was. |
| 11/10/86 | I just read this great science fiction story. Its about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines they control us? Pretty scary idea. Ill say hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on! |
| 12/10/86 | Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen buster I think Calvins grades are bad enough already dont you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding tears like heck across the prehistoric valley. |
| 13/10/86 | Tomorrow were going to discuss current events in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article read it to the class and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone. Actually theres not much left to explain. |
| 14/10/86 | Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. Its going to be unpleasant around here! |
| 15/10/86 | Calvin how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is youve got no common sense. Ive got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it. |
| 16/10/86 | I dont understand this business about death. If were just going to die. Whats the point of living? Well theres seafood. I dont know why I even talk to you before dinner. |
| 17/10/86 | Ive decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well youll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No I wont you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it. |
| 18/10/86 | The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine whats going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy my lunch box seems light. |
| 19/10/86 | Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey Hobbes! Cmon and jump in the leaves! Its fun! I dont know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they dont. Do they? Slugs? Ugh just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! Thats the problem with nature. Somethings always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Lets go watch TV. Is it 3 oclock yet? We can watch The Blob! |
| 20/10/86 | As you can see Spaceman Spiff we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero captured by Zorkons eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. Whats this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape. |
| 21/10/86 | Wheres my jacket? Its right on the floor where you left it. Its still on the floor? Why didnt you put it away? Gee my own copy of the emancipation proclamation. |
| 22/10/86 | Look I can make shadows on the wall heres a dog. Hey thats good! Heres a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm! |
| 23/10/86 | Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Whyd you hold it in? Im trying to blow my shoes off. |
| 24/10/86 | It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. Thats amazing. When I was four I think I was toilet trained. |
| 25/10/86 | Im done with my homework! Im going outside to play! Ive got my jacket! Im leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant! |
| 26/10/86 | ... so if you capture the other guys flag and make it back to your territory you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey you cant hide your flag in a tree! Its too hard to capture! Thats not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well its a rule now! From now on no flags in trees! Ok but I just tagged you so you have to go to jail. What?? Its a time out! I was making a new rule! You didnt officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on if you are discussing a new rule its automatically a time out. Ok time in! Tag! You cant do that! We have to say time in together! Since when?? Youre just changing rules so youll win! I am not! Im just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Whos a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way buster. I know all about those interest free bank loans to yourself! |
| 27/10/86 | Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning Ill run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good I go right into my pants while Im putting on my shirt and by the bottom Im all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too I wont have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin. |
| 28/10/86 | Ack. Igg. Look mom Ive got rabies. Go spit out your toothpaste and stop being silly. Maybe dad will fall for it if I bite him first. |
| 29/10/86 | What are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I dont know yet I cant decide. Well the idea is to be the scariest thing you can think of. Hmm ... maybe Ill just go as myself! Im going as a barrel of toxic waste! |
| 30/10/86 | Were going to carve a Jack-Olantern now. See well make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even. |
| 31/10/86 | I think Dad likes Halloween as much as we do. Is he taking us trick or treating tonight? No Mom is. Is he going to stay home and give out candy? No hes going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose and drench potential tpers. |
| 01/11/86 | Oog. I feel awful. If someone even mentions Milk Duds. Im going to barf. Another Halloween come and gone. Its always such a letdown after a holiday. We might as well go into town and look at the Christmas decorations. |
| 02/11/86 | Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Heres the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and lets do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. Ill go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? Cmere and let me explain something to you ... |
| 03/11/86 | Moms not feeling well. So Im making here a Get Well card. Thats thoughtful of you. See on the front it says Get Well Soon. And on the inside it says Because my bed isnt made my clothes need to be put away and Im hungry. Love Calvin. Want to sign it? Sure. Im hungry too. |
| 04/11/86 | Hi Mom! Since youre sick. Im bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better. |
| 05/11/86 | Since your Moms sick. Ill be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasnt there so she wouldnt know. Get the syrup out will you? |
| 06/11/86 | Sometimes when Im sick you read me a story want me to read you one? No thanks Calvin. I just want to rest. Its hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?! |
| 07/11/86 | Whats wrong with your Mom do you know? No she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You dont suppose shes going to have a baby do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? Shes already got me! Yes. Youd think shed have learned her lesson ... |
| 08/11/86 | I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby and he said not that he knew of. Dad said wed know if mom was having a kid because shed look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... thats when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents. |
| 09/11/86 | Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin will you please stop tearing around the house?! Youre driving me crazy! You said we couldnt go outside because its raining. Boy that sure worked. Were not allowed back in until when? |
| 10/11/86 | Hey Mom I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line and everything! Thats wonderful Calvin. Its a great dramatic role! My character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! Whats the play? Nutrition and the four food groups. Im an onion. |
| 11/11/86 | Ok Hobbes. I need you to help me memorize my line for the play. Sure. Im the onion and I say In addition to supplying vital nutrients many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber. Ok ready? Ready. Go ahead. In addition ... wait. Hold it. Im not in character yet. What motivates an onion? Fame. I suppose this could be a big break. |
| 12/11/86 | Ok. You be Bread. Prompt me. Glucose is the bodys main energy source! In addition ... uh ... um ... In addition ... um ... wait. Grrrgh! I hate this play! Ill never be able to learn this stupid part! Well your emoting is down pat. |
| 13/11/86 | Ive got it all figured out Hobbes. This play will be no sweat. You have your line all memorized? No. I thought Id come out. Do a little soft-shoe and adlib something! Adlib something about dietary fiber? Either that or Ill do my onion in mime! |
| 14/11/86 | Hows my onion costume coming Mom? Im still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. Im not much of a seamstress. Just be glad Im not Russy White he has to be an amino acid. Mm ... what do you think? Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno Mom. |
| 15/11/86 | Are you going to come to my play dad? Its called Nutrition and the Four Food Groups. Ill probably have to work Calvin. But Dad. Itll be great drama! Im an onion! Well why dont you say your line for me now? Ok! Um ... lets see ... In addition to ... ... uh ... hold it ... um. 2kids in food suits forgetting their lines. Ill definitely be at work. Dear! Calvins worked hard. Ok uh ... In addtion ... uh ... no wait ... um. |
| 16/11/86 | Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Lets have some snow!! Its snowing! I can make it snow! Im psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh hes going to hate me for this. |
| 17/11/86 | Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play Calvin? Im still learning it being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? Im Fat. No I mean in the play. Anyone else want to say it?!? Aackk! Understudy! Understudy! |
| 18/11/86 | Thanks for waiting for the bus with me Hobbes. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit. Ill be lad when this stupid play is over. Oh no! Run for your life! A produce truck! ... just kidding! |
| 19/11/86 | Susie wheres Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I dont know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. Hes on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper! |
| 20/11/86 | I cant believe it! Im stuck in my onion suit! I cant go onstage with my shirt caught in my costume! Help! Help! Im supposed to be on now! Im supposed to be saying my line! What should I do?? What should I do?? In addition to supplying vital nutrients many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber!! |
| 21/11/86 | Im home! Hi honey. How did your play go? Terrible. I got stuck in my zipper in the bathroom and they had to stop the play and get a janitor to find me and get me out. Oh no. thats awful! Ill say. The play was ruined ... but I remembered my line! |
| 22/11/86 | Up up and away! Woomph! Ackk! Kryptonite! Kryptonite! |
| 23/11/86 | Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you Dad? No you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand and pay for it the rest of your life. Ill just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Lets hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe hell think we ran away! Lie down and Ill pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee I wonder where Calvin went! And his tigers gone too! Nows my chance to get away before they get back! Wont Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom wont be glad at all you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? Youre here?? Oh rats ... I mean good! |
| 24/11/86 | Want to trade sandwiches Calvin? No Ive got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh gross. Thats not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker its good. Forget it. I dont even want my own lunch anymore. You dont? what kind of cookies are those? |
| 25/11/86 | Ta-daaa!! |
| 26/11/86 | How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I shouldve guessed. Dear if you dont know the answer. Just tell him! |
| 27/11/86 | Its hard to believe people still starve in this world. Theres even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy I know what thats like! No you dont. |
| 28/11/86 | The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there! |
| 29/11/86 | Look Hobbes you get a plastic trinket in boxes of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs! It says Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors. Yeah but Mom says she wont buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldnt take more than a couple of hours right? I dunno after five bowls I get pretty wired. |
| 30/11/86 | A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer he careens over an alien city! Theres no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didnt think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again! |
| 01/12/86 | Calvin your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So youll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and shes the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyns fine. Fine?? shes a barracuda in a high school senior suit! Im as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her. |
| 02/12/86 | Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. Wed be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Heres a notepad and pencil. Oh boy blackmail! Right get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend. |
| 03/12/86 | Were going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! Its not even 6 oclock! |
| 04/12/86 | I cant believe our baby sitter put us to bed! Its not even dark out! Well she can put us to bed but she cant make us sleep. You play the horn and Ill accompany on tom-tom. Calvin I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean the basement? Shhh! |
| 05/12/86 | Rosalyn were going to be a little later than we expected so I thought Id better call you. Thats fine. Calvin went to bed early so Im just holding down the fort. Whos on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before its too late! Help! Help! No thats just the tv. Ill see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play. |
| 06/12/86 | Sorry were late Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? Im not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness youre home! Has he been this way all night? Well his voice gave out about 11 oclock but it seems to be If shes still here dont pay her! Give her a little extra will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuitions are up. |
| 07/12/86 | Im ready for bed Dad. Whats tonights story going to be? Heres one Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics. Youll love it. Forget it Dad. You cant get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it huh? Goldilocks and the three tigers. Oh boy this is gonna be great! Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl a medium bowl and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big medium and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ... Calvin Im not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I dont know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didnt even look at our illustrations. Now Im all hungry. |
| 08/12/86 | What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ... |
| 09/12/86 | Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure youre not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail! |
| 10/12/86 | Im home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. Hows that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish youd just buy me one of those I missed you cards. |
| 11/12/86 | Ive got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half and now Im drawing dots on each end. Ill just put one over each eye and it will look like Im really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. Im over here. |
| 12/12/86 | Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right Ill keep that in mind. I hope youre reading the Help Wanted Section. |
| 13/12/86 | Look I got a letter Im supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. Its a chain letter. It says A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald. Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. ... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer. |
| 14/12/86 | I spelled Be how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My this game does teach new words! See I spelled zygomorphic on a triple word score box. Thats 150 points. All Ive got is consonants. Your turn. Well if I use your letter I I can spell in. Thats 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your n I can spell nucleoplasm thats lets see 40 points. All Ive got is consonants. Im not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Lets play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok I bet a nickel. Ill see you ... and raise you 8 dollars. |
| 15/12/86 | Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. Its ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin this had better not be you. |
| 16/12/86 | Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. Well see about that. Get back here. |
| 17/12/86 | This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Lets ask it which of us is smarter. Ok go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! Its heading for the H! Ha! Its obviously trying to (mmf) go to C you cheater! |
| 18/12/86 | Lets ask the Ouija board another question. Ok Ive got one. Oh great Ouija board will I grow up to be president? Its moving! G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D When I want an editorial Ill ask for it you stupid board! |
| 19/12/86 | How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to lifes mysteries? Lets ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? Its moving! Its moving! Whats it say? 3 You know I didnt ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer. |
| 20/12/86 | Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this youll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah but you wont let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin. |
| 21/12/86 | Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after theyre through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin get back in the tub! Youre making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!! |
| 22/12/86 | Oh boy you got some clay. Im making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents dont smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo you sculpt something! |
| 23/12/86 | A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance. |
| 24/12/86 | This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good. |
| 25/12/86 | Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Lets go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since its Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. Thats long enough! Wake up! Wake up! Its Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year. |
| 26/12/86 | Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? Theyll fine you ten cents now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire. |
| 27/12/86 | Hey Dad I have a question. Sure Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. Im scared to try it. |
| 28/12/86 | Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? Theres no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. Its just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes very peaceful. I hate all that silence. |
| 29/12/86 | Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. Its unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on its passengers at the slightest bump. Note too the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph! |
| 30/12/86 | Boy is it cold! Cant we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. Ill just crank it up to 75 ok? I said dont touch it. Gee my hands are so numb I cant move the switch. Guess Ill put on a sweater. |
| 31/12/86 | Ooh. You look cold Calvin! Theres a fire made. Why dont you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after youve been out in the cold. Of course some people say why bother going outside first? |
| 01/01/87 | Calvin I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You dont need to tell me all the time! |
| 02/01/87 | Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh yes. Lots. |
| 03/01/87 | Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer. |
| 04/01/87 | What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. Its cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know youre alive! Cmon out gang! Its a perfect day! Youll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey Cmon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... theres one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him? |
| 05/01/87 | Watcha doin? Im writing my autobiography. But youre just six years old. Ive only got one sheet of paper. |
| 06/01/87 | Hi Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. Its very good. You like it? Sure I think its ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning? |
| 07/01/87 | Mom was I adopted? No why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! Youre not just fattening me up to eat me are you? Good heavens Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? Thats right. Ridiculous ideas she called them. Oh sure you think your moms going to tell you? |
| 08/01/87 | Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot. |
| 09/01/87 | Go ahead down. Youll miss all those trees. You can do it. Youll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You wont go into that pond. Besides the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me. |
| 10/01/87 | Galosh. Galosh. Galosh. |
| 11/01/87 | Boy is this hill big! Well have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean do you think people are basically good with a few bad tendencies or basically bad with a few good tendencies? Theres a rock up ahead! Look out! Or as a third possibility. Do you think people are just crazy and who knows why they do anything? Not so close to the ledge! Well? What do you think? Are people good bad or crazy? Aughh! I cant look! Wump! You know its very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. I choose crazy. |
| 12/01/87 | I called Susie a boogerbrain after school and she went home crying. Goodness whyd you do that? I dunno I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didnt mean for her to take the insult personally! |
| 13/01/87 | Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? Its just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldnt care. Id say Who needs you Calvin? Ive got a hundred other friends! Then my hundred friends and I would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone! Ha! ... and as long as Im dreaming Id like a pony. |
| 14/01/87 | I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. Im sorry I did it. Maybe you should apologize to her. I keep hoping theres a less obvious solution. |
| 15/01/87 | Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Yeah right. |
| 16/01/87 | Um ... hi Susie ... I ... uh ... well ... Get lost Calvin. Youre mean. Dont walk away! Im trying to apologize you dumb noodleloaf! Slap! |
| 17/01/87 | Susie Im sorry I called you names. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Well you did hurt my feelings. But I accept your apology. Thank you. Oh boy thank goodness I got that over with! ... on second thought lets see you grovel a little bit! |
| 18/01/87 | Should I or shouldnt I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh dont play innocent with me you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well it takes one to know one Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! Ive been maligned! Ill never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ... |
| 19/01/87 | Hey Hobbes you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out you lunatic! Dont get huffy. I want to savor this. |
| 20/01/87 | Well? Well? Whatd you get? It looks like an invitation. An invitation? Whod invite you anywhere? A lot of people thats who buster. Theres obviously been some mistake nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You cant get the insurance. Well somebody is inviting me somewhere. I got an invitation. Who? Whats it say?? Read it already!! Probably some big state dinner. I hope I can find my cummerbund. |
| 21/01/87 | So what does the invitation say you dumb hairball? Call me names will you? Ill read it when Im good and ready. Aargghh! Oooohh! Mpf! Ggh! Rrgghghmfmff! Ok now Im ready ... ahem ... Dear Hobbes. Faster! |
| 22/01/87 | Well well! Its an invitation to Susie Derkins birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No it doesnt say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately she probably wanted to insure it so shell know it didnt get lost. Sometimes those take longer. Ill have to sign for it and all. Im sure shes taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with if you must. |
| 23/01/87 | We get to go to a birthday party! That stupid Susie. Balloons cake presents ... oh boy! She wont be getting a very big present from me thats for sure. I bet well play games too! It will be fun! Hmph. Maybe well play Spin the Bottle! Oh get real! |
| 24/01/87 | Ill make a list of possible gifts for Susies birthday. What should we give her? how about a mouth full of broken teeth? Thats what Id like to give her. oh dont be so cranky. I think we should get her a can of tuna fish. Tuna fish? Why would she want that? Well maybe she wouldnt and we could offer to take it back ... and borrow some bread a little mayo ... right Hobbes. |
| 25/01/87 | Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep fuzz face! Thats your move right? I get to go now right? Its too late for you to change your mind right? Not so fast ... my hands still on it. Jump jump jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didnt want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know youd cheat! I knew youd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look its just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life! |
| 26/01/87 | Susies house is the next one up. This is our last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn. |
| 27/01/87 | Hi Susie. Happy birthday! Hello Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh look at your stuffed tiger! Hes wearing a tie! Hes just adorable! Ok you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. Cmon in. |
| 28/01/87 | Ok everyone. The idea of a scavenger hunt is to bring us back as many of these items as you can in half an hour. Lets go! Quick Hobbes whats the first item? An old license plate. Great! I saw one on the way over! Cmon! good thing I always carry a Swiss army knife. Nobodys coming right? Is this game legal? |
| 29/01/87 | Heres a paper plate for the birthday cake Calvin. Thank you. I hope its good. I hate it when the birthday kid chooses something gross like coconut. You dont have to worry. Its chocolate. Oh good. Did you see it? Hey! Who cut a piece of my cake already?! I didnt even get to blow out the candles!! Its nice and moist too. |
| 30/01/87 | Glad you both could come. Thank you for the nice present. Good-bye. Mom may not want this piece of cake and ice cream were bringing her. |
| 31/01/87 | Hey! It snowed last night! Oh boy! Look at it all! Theyll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately thats a relative measure. |
| 01/02/87 | Either hes playing classical music at 78 RMP or Im still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning Im calling the orphanage. |
| 02/02/87 | Whats the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know our grades. Grades? Were being graded? Of course dummy. What did you think? Dont we even get a few practice semesters? |
| 03/02/87 | I brought my report card home dad. Well! Lets see it! Remember how you once told me it didnt matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying? |
| 04/02/87 | Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as homework time. I dont think thats fair! If it doesnt take that long to do why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah can I help it Im so fast? |
| 05/02/87 | Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuffs impossible to work with. Thanks. Ive got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet but it sort of squashed so now I think its a bowl. Mmm thats very good. Yeah Im real pleased with it. |
| 06/02/87 | Uh oh. Theres a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere tell him its almost time for dinner. Id invite you but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want. |
| 07/02/87 | Lets go Calvin. Time for your bath. Im not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy. |
| 08/02/87 | Why cant I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This wont go any more. Its too big to push. Ok leave it here. Im exhausted! Well we cant stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes! |
| 09/02/87 | Wheres Dad? Hes in the living room making a fire. A fire! Oh boy! Oh in the fireplace. |
| 10/02/87 | Wanna call that a single or give this up? |
| 11/02/87 | What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didnt say. |
| 12/02/87 | Where do we keep all our chainsaws Mom? We dont have any chainsaws Calvin. We dont? Not any? Nope. How am I ever going to learn how to juggle? |
| 13/02/87 | The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back. |
| 14/02/87 | The majestic eagle circles slowly in the clouds. With eyes so sharp he can spot movement a mile below. He sights his prey and dives! Reaching speeds of more than 100 mph his unwary prize will never know what hit it! Wake up Dad! Its Saturday! Zz ... wha? |
| 15/02/87 | Here is success Mr. Jones. He lives an a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is the new Mercedes in the driveway. Its anyones guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges. Here comes Mr. Jones out of his attractive suburban home. He hops in his red sports car. Off he goes to work. 80 ... 90 ... 100 miles an hour! ... along the edge of the Grand Canyon!! Suddenly his steering wheel locks and he brakes fail! He careens over the edge! Oh no! Down he goes! His only hope is to climb out the sun roof and jump! Maybe just maybe he can grab a branch and save himself! He unwinds the sun roof! Can he make it? No! The car explodes in mid-air propelling millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere! Kablooie! The neighbors hear the boom echoing across the canyon. They pile into a mini-van to investigate! What will happen to them? |
| 16/02/87 | Dad did you do a mating dance when you first saw mom? A mating dance? Yeah I saw some birds do it on TV. They went awk awk braau-auukkk! yes thats more or less how I reacted. To what wise guy? ... think carefully. |
| 17/02/87 | Out you go Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness youre a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time. |
| 18/02/87 | I cleaned my room Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well that was very thoughtful. Of course this isnt going to be a habit or anything. |
| 19/02/87 | How come it doesnt take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe Im more efficient. Maybe you dont do as good a job. Why dont you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin this dust ball is going to be our little secret all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear I thought you did this room! |
| 20/02/87 | Ive been in the water about 20 minutes look at my fingers. Theyre all wrinkled! So are my toes! Pretty neat huh? Big pink raisin discovered in tub - boys whereabouts unknown! Aaugh! |
| 21/02/87 | For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in shell thank me. Mark my words. |
| 22/02/87 | Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! Ive got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! Im gonna getcha! Im coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle tickle! Whoa! Whoa! Wed better stop. Calm down calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired Dad. Im all wound up and Mom needs to be put to bed. |
| 23/02/87 | Oh Mom I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin I wish youd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Heres the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! Youre not going to school like that! Aw cmon Mom! Its class picture day! |
| 24/02/87 | What with your hair? I told Mom Im getting my school picture taken today and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. Thats true. You do. Well dont just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There much better! Whatd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee I wish I had a mirror. |
| 25/02/87 | The bus is going to be here any minute. Youre sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. Youre not kidding me are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... Astro boy. All right! I cant wait to get my picture taken now! |
| 26/02/87 | Calvin! What did you do to your hair?? Dont you know we have our pictures taken today? Of course silly. Thats why I did it. Its Crisco. Does your mom know you look like that? Sort of. Hobbes fixed me up a little bit at the bus stop. Wow. I wish I had some Crisco. Wait till Mom sends my picture to Grandma! |
| 27/02/87 | Ok kid sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. Thats it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? dont take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok take one quick! |
| 28/02/87 | Look Hobbes I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Arent they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mothers going to go into conniptions of course. Oh cmon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring. |
| 01/03/87 | Glik glik glik. Oh no! what have I done?!? The human body is 80% water. Little did Calvin realize how critical it is to maintain that! Now its too late! By drinking that extra glass of water Calvin has upset that precious balance! He is now 90% water! Everything solid in Calvins body begins to dissolve! He is becoming liquid!! His only hope is somehow to get to an icebox and freeze himself solid until he can get proper medical attention! Unfortunately as a liquid Calvin can only run downhill! Can he make it? Can he make it?? I dont think Im going to make it. Theres a gas station up ahead. Just hold on. Didnt I tell you not to drink so much before we left?! |
| 02/03/87 | Calvin how do you explain this test score? Its terrible! I didnt study for it. What do you mean you didnt study for it? Why not? I forgot. You forgot? How could you possibly forget?? What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I? Dont give me this amnesia stuff! |
| 03/03/87 | gee it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? Youre not fooling anyone young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... youre asking for an early bedtime kid. Well he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is dessert you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. Thats it bed! |
| 04/03/87 | Ive had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since you wont stop it youre going to bed. You can let me know if you want to be serious. Wink. Aauughh! Mister theres a tiger in this room!! |
| 05/03/87 | Calvin all we want is for you to study and do your best in school education is very important. Thats why this amnesia game has to stop. No more forgetting to do your homework. Ok? Ok mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right Dad. You got it. |
| 06/03/87 | Im glad to see youre doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... Im doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didnt say phenomenal. |
| 07/03/87 | RING RING RING RING RI ... Its never for me and I hate taking messages. |
| 08/03/87 | IM HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school I though you might appreciate one moment of pure abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and Ill thank you. |
| 09/03/87 | Hobbes look! Theres a little raccoon on the ground. Is it alive? I think so but hes hurt. See hes hardly breathing. Better not touch him if hes hurt. Yeah. You wait here and guard him. Ill run and get Mom. I sure hope she can help. Of course she can! You dont get to be Mom if you cant fix everything just right. |
| 10/03/87 | Theres Hobbes guarding him Mom. The little raccoons right over there! Ooh Calvin I dont know if we can save him. He looks pretty bad. Go get a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Right! I dont think this poor little guy is going to make it Hobbes (sigh) I hate it when these things happen. ... you can tell Im upset when I start talking to you. |
| 11/03/87 | Well I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. Well keep him in the garage and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are Ill be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin you dont even know what were having. |
| 12/03/87 | Has he eaten anything? No. dont die little raccoon. It wouldnt be very grateful of you to break my heart. |
| 13/03/87 | I cant sleep. Me either. I keep thinking about the raccoon. I hope he lives. Me too. I think animals are always so cute. |
| 14/03/87 | Dad did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes Calvin. Im afraid he died. Waahhhh!! Im sorry too kiddo. But he didnt have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could but now hes gone. Sniff. I know Im crying because out there hes gone but hes not gone inside me. |
| 15/03/87 | Heres a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. Youre kind of fuzzy! Ok make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Lets see! Lets see! Its developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! Its great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Lets take some more! Thats it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Arent they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film? |
| 16/03/87 | This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didnt even know he existed a few days ago and now hes gone forever. Its like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad awful terrible way Im happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world. |
| 17/03/87 | You know Hobbes I cant figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didnt do anything wrong. He was just little! Whats the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!? Its either mean or its arbitrary and either way Ive got the heebie-jeebies. Why is it always night when we talk about these things? |
| 18/03/87 | Mom says death is as natural as birth and its all part of the life cycle. She says we dont really understand it but there are many things we dont understand and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But dont you go anywhere. Dont worry. |
| 19/03/87 | Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now its a mud pit! This sign says Future site of Shady Acres condominiums. Animals cant afford condos! Shady Acres? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer. |
| 20/03/87 | Where are all the animals supposed to live now that they cut down these woods to put in houses?? By golly how would people like it if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in new trees?!? No good they didnt leave the keys. |
| 21/03/87 | It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow and they leveled it in a week. Its gone. After they build new houses here theyll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations and pretty soon this whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there wont be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. I think if youre born its too late. |
| 22/03/87 | Kablooie! Ooooh youve twicked me for the wast time wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy I wish I had some dynamite! Boy I love weekends! What better way to spend ones freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin youve been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! Its a beautiful day! You should be outside! Its going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesnt know anything but what its seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well I guess thats that. Come on. Hi Susie are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure hurry up! Its a commercial. |
| 23/03/87 | Hobbes want to see my transmogrifier? I didnt know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber set the appropriate dials and it turns you into whatever youd like to be. Its amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isnt it? |
| 24/03/87 | This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel a baboon a giant bug or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room just write it on the side. |
| 25/03/87 | Well what do you say? Would you like to be transmogrified? I dont think so. Being a tiger is my area of expertise. Dont be scared. The process is instantaneous and completely painless. Just think! With the push of a button you could be a 500-story gastropod - a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Gosh how can I refuse? Well if you dont like that be something else! I dont care! |
| 26/03/87 | Look if you cant make up your mind Ill go first and turn myself into something. Ill show you. But whats the point of turning yourself into something else? No ones done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok Im in. set the dial on lungfish ... no make it musk ox ... no ... |
| 27/03/87 | What are you going to transmogrify into? How about a tiger? Thats a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Just turn the arrow and push the button then. All right here you go. Zap! Did it work? Boy Im hot. How do you stand having all this fur? |
| 28/03/87 | So youre a tiger now? Yep let me out. Words fail me. Im disappointed too but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology. |
| 29/03/87 | Thanks for the lunch Mom! Im going outside. Refueled the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking Im afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. Were stacked up over Washington and well be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog from now on Im playing bus. |
| 30/03/87 | So Calvin whats it like to be a tiger now? Kinda fuzzy but not that different. So! What do you want to talk about? Do we eat soon? |
| 31/03/87 | Hi Mom! Will you make Hobbes and me a big tuna sandwich? I thought you hated tuna fish. Not anymore. Im a tiger now. I thought Hobbes was your tiger. Now Im one too. I transmogrified. Oh I see. My shes taking this well but the strain will surely crack her soon. |
| 01/04/87 | Im home! Hi Dad. Notice anything different about me? Uh ... new haircut? Geez did you go blind?? Im a tiger! Oh I thought you meant besides that. Calvin your Dads very tired and ... Hope you want tuna for dinner dear. |
| 02/04/87 | Well Hobbes its been fun but I dont think I was meant to be a tiger. Just set the dial to Calvin and Ill transmogrify back to a boy. Here you go. Zap! Oops! Try again lunkhead. |
| 03/04/87 | Here I am back being Calvin. Your machine works amazingly well. Its my own design. What will you do with it now? Good question. ... although I suppose we could turn Susie into a bowl of chowder if we could just get her into the machine. Leave me out of your lifes plans. You little weirdo. |
| 04/04/87 | Calvin eats one bite too many! He begins to swell! Inflating like a raft. He grows bigger and bigger! Oh no! how much larger can he get? Ooooh I think Im going to explode. No wonder! Ive never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting! I hope you learned your lesson. |
| 05/04/87 | Look Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run. Jane sees Spot run. Way to go Jane! Boy I hate homework. Yahh! Whoop! Hey! Yow! Whoa! Stop! Aaaughh!! Gaackk! Help! Help! Whap!! Bonk! Bonk! What on earth are you doing? Wheres your homework? I couldnt concentrate. |
| 06/04/87 | Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard? |
| 07/04/87 | I cant believe I ripped my pants! Recess is over. Im supposed to be back in class! I cant go in like this! What am I going to do?? ... of all the days to wear the underpants with little rocket ships. |
| 08/04/87 | Look at the size of this rip! Maybe I can pull my shirt down over it. No that doesnt work. Maybe I can tuck my shirt in the hole. ... nope ... maybe I can stick the ripped part under my belt. No that doesnt work either. Maybe I can scoot around on my rear the rest of the day. |
| 09/04/87 | Please dont let the teacher call on me! Dont make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please dont embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy. |
| 10/04/87 | Calvin will you do the next problem at the board please? No. why not? Frankly Id rather not say. Oh you wouldnt. Its a personal matter. Youre going to have to do better than that. Do the words complete pandemonium strike terror in your heart? |
| 11/04/87 | So your teacher didnt know youd ripped your pants and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? That sums it up. How awful! What did you do?? I didnt have a choice. I mooned the whole class. Thats why youre home early? Three teachers and the principal couldnt restore order. |
| 12/04/87 | During emergency landing replace dinner tray and bring seat to upright position. Extinguish all smoking materials. Including spacecraft if possible. Out of fuel the courageous Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on the distant planet Zok! The valiant explorer surveys the Zokkian landscape who knows what dangers lie hidden in the cratered terrain? Undaunted Spiff sets out to find help! Miles later it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited! Our hero is marooned on a lifeless planet! Alone on an alien world. Alone ... all alone ... Darn it why doesnt anyone ever tell me when the lunch bell rings? |
| 13/04/87 | Susie wheres Miss Wormwood? Whos that lady at her desk? Miss Wormwoods sick. Thats our substitute teacher. A substitute? Lets see your teaching certificate lady! |
| 14/04/87 | Good morning class. Ill be your substitute teacher today. Miss Wormwood left me instructions as to what we need to go over so we shouldnt have any problems. Oh wait heres a note she added. Just a second. Ok which one of you is Calvin? Not me! |
| 15/04/87 | We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok I guess. You guess? Its hard to say. She went home at noon. |
| 16/04/87 | Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions. |
| 17/04/87 | Ive got a scheme to get us some money. Oh boy. See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. How is that going to get us money? Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck the tooth fairy wont know theyre fakes until its too late! |
| 18/04/87 | Dad how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No you were a blue light special at Kmart almost as good and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear what are you telling Calvin now?! |
| 19/04/87 | How come you dont put on any pajamas? Fact is I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then good night. Good night. Move over will ya? Im already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! Youre on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face! |
| 20/04/87 | Ive got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. Were supposed to research our subject write it up and present it to the class with a visual aid. Thats a big assignment. Ill say. I hate my teacher. She knows well all do it on the last evening but she gave us three days to worry about it. |
| 21/04/87 | Whats the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well I saw this movie where they kept this guys brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Thats informative. Unfortunately for my report Mom caught me and I didnt get to see how it ended. |
| 22/04/87 | Ive got to give my report on The Brain at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesnt that look like brains? Well I guess Im all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Moms pocket dictionary. Ill do it on the bus. |
| 23/04/87 | My five-minute report on The Brain. Of course its difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes but to begin the brain is part of the central nervous system. Ill pause for a few moments so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin! |
| 24/04/87 | Pow! Jab! Kick! Pow! Pow! Rattatattattatta rattatattatta eeeeeeeeeee boom! Please please pretty please? No. you shouldve save some of your own Halloween candy. |
| 25/04/87 | Hey can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My shows not over yet. Aw cmon! you see this program all the time! Cant we watch my show for once? No I was here first. Pipe down this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials. |
| 26/04/87 | Good night Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I cant! Im trapped in slow motion! Well youd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap! |
| 27/04/87 | Point A is twice as far from point C as point B is from A. if the distance from point B to point C is 5 inches how far is point A from point C? The living dead dont need to solve word problems. |
| 28/04/87 | Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly the undead feed upon the living! ... although in a pinch a pbj will do I fyou eat it messily enough. |
| 29/04/87 | When in Rome ... |
| 30/04/87 | Gkpthh! Heh heh ... thpkk! Hee hee. Hee hee ha ha ha ho ho hee hee hoo hoo ha ha ho heh heh ... of course. Real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other. |
| 01/05/87 | Oh no! Too much bubble bath! Uh oh! Pop! How on earth do you do this?!? These things seem to happen. |
| 02/05/87 | Aauughhhhh |
| 03/05/87 | Gosh its perfect kite flying weather! But why let the stupid kite have all the fun? Youve got your tail on? Yep just let out some string and start running. Thats it! Faster! Faster! Im flying! Im fl-ooof! Ow! Ack! Ooh! Are you ok? Boy you were almost up there. I know! (ow) We just need a little more wind. Ok heres another breeze! Let er rip! Oomph! Yow! Maybe youre too heavy. Gee I hadnt thought of that. Hmm ... how can I get lighter? Mrs. Carroll says a naked kid tied to a stuffed animal is running through her yard. You handle it I got the little nudist out of her bird bath remember? |
| 04/05/87 | Were supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! Its good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you dont sweat comprehension. Wheres the Frisbee? |
| 05/05/87 | Ahoy! Toss the rope ladder down! Whats the password? Tigers are mean! Tigers are fierce! Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce! Tigers are great! They cant be beat! If I was a tiger that would be neat! He can climb the tree without the ladder so he got to make up the password. Go on whats the third verse? |
| 06/05/87 | Mom when are you going shopping next? I dont know why? We seem to be out of gun powder. Sheesh I didnt even do it yet. |
| 07/05/87 | Now! Are you sure theres a career to be made as a human discus? Well we gotta get a bigger field. |
| 08/05/87 | I tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud it was hilarious. Aaugh! Ploop! I dunno. That kind of humor is so broad. You didnt do it right. Cmere and give me a hand. |
| 09/05/87 | Whats this? It looks gross. Its a vegetarian meal. Its good for you. Vegetarian?? Yecchh! Im not a vegetarian! Im a dessertarian. |
| 10/05/87 | Ever notice how different the air smells after a good rain? It smells like ... like ... dead worms! Wow! Look at the size of that puddle! Wahoooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Sploosh splash sploosh splash! Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Rats my underwears all soaked. Now its gonna itch and ride up my rear all afternoon. Well it was worth it! Thats why I never wear the stuff. |
| 11/05/87 | I cant get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back? Maybe you need a haircut. Yeah but barbers never cut it the way I want. Boy what a great idea! Thanks! This is easy! You really think your Mom will pay me eight bucks? |
| 12/05/87 | So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldnt you rather have it real short? No just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Dont you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No I just think it should be real short. Especially oh right here. |
| 13/05/87 | You made a mistake didnt you? No I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing I cant help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your heads gonna have funny bumps in a minute if you dont tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Whyd you say oops?! whatd you do now?! Nothing. Lets try parting your hair from ear to ear. |
| 14/05/87 | This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. Youll love it. Its kind of new wave. New wave? Like how? Well sort of punk actually. Like a mohawk? In some places its sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know whats the rage this year? ... hats. |
| 15/05/87 | Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing cant fix. Get away from me you menace! If Mom sees this shell blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? Hows that? Sort of the Lawrence of Arabia look! Sort of the Lobotomy Patient look. |
| 16/05/87 | My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim Id be on easy street. Instead Ive got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah thats me. Tracer Bullet. Ive got eight slugs in me. Ones lead and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop and I pack a revolver. Im a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open and in walked trouble. Brunette as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table Calvin. Its not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case. |
| 17/05/87 | This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents engrossed in culture remain blissfully unaware of Calvins terrible transformation! Yes a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizards glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives! Hundreds of priceless paintings are ripped to shreds in the awful rampage! Wealthy benefactors are trampled! The museum is in ruins! On to symphony hall!! Calvin? Calvin? Were in the next room now. Cmon. I think wed better get him out o fhere. He had that grin again. I wanna see dinosaurs at the natural history museum again. We spent all afternoon there Calvin. |
| 18/05/87 | Take your hat off at the dinner table Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didnt Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think Id do this?? Well I didnt! |
| 19/05/87 | Some barber you are! Mom says theres nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime Ive got to go around looking like Ive got mange! I hope youre happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Wheres my eight bucks?! |
| 20/05/87 | Look Im sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didnt mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See Ill just draw some hair on there its looking better already. Really? Is it? |
| 21/05/87 | Well your hair doesnt stick up the way it used to but at least your heads yellow again. Thanks Hobbes. youre a real life saver. Im sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok? |
| 22/05/87 | Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably dont you think? |
| 23/05/87 | Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure. |
| 24/05/87 | Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isnt it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Lets go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? Its easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and well time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey were at the bottom of the hill. I didnt feel any time warp did you? Nope. But look! Its two minutes later than when we started! Were in the future!! Hmm ... things havent improved. Im disappointed. |
| 25/05/87 | Goodness youre filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law if not the spirit. Lets hear some water running! Nuts. |
| 26/05/87 | Im home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing! |
| 27/05/87 | Im home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger. |
| 28/05/87 | Im home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ... |
| 29/05/87 | Im home. Im home. Im home! Wellll? So youre home. |
| 30/05/87 | Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. Its sure to be another homer folks. Heres the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin. |
| 31/05/87 | Before beginning any home plumbing repair make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts he twists himself into a tube and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey Dad know why you didnt see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm Ill bet you cant do it all afternoon too ... dear! |
| 01/06/87 | I couldnt read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill. |
| 02/06/87 | Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok I predict youll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. Its going to come true! I can feel it! |
| 03/06/87 | Hey Dad how does a carburetor work? I cant tell you. Why not? Its a secret. No it isnt! you just dont know! |
| 04/06/87 | This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else. |
| 05/06/87 | Time for bed Calvin. Its a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists! |
| 06/06/87 | Oh no I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While theyre eating that you can slip out! Great idea! Im coming out of bed now! Im coming out of bed now! Here I am all fat and squishy! They took it! Man look at those feathers fly! Youd better hurry! No Ive decided to stay here and wet the bed. But its ok with me if you dont want to stay. |
| 07/06/87 | Croquet is a gentlemans game. Thats hard to believe. Ive played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey dont put the wickets so far apart. This is the way theyre supposed to be. No it isnt you big cheater. Youre doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasnt looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! Thats a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well youre just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! Youre asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldnt knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquitos dont even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you Im Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose you walking flea condo! Id say it takes one to know one bozo! Why dont you go play in the food processor! Its getting dark Calvin. Cmon inside! Aw Mom were right in the middle of a croquet game! |
| 08/06/87 | Bombarded by high-energy photons Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses it does make Calvins presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvins food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh! |
| 09/06/87 | Heres a little town. Heres a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me Ill be under the bed. |
| 10/06/87 | A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! Youre just too short! Yeah? Well youre just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well youre just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like. |
| 11/06/87 | Want to know a funny trick? When somebody isnt looking you tie his shoes together! Ha ha! Thats great! Lets go find some sucker to pull it on! Yeah! Clunk! Well. Well! Woo hoo hoo hoo. |
| 12/06/87 | Im hungry. Can I have a snack? Sure. Help yourself. You can have an apple or an orange from the fridge. Even through were both talking english were not speaking the same language. |
| 13/06/87 | Boy I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ... |
| 14/06/87 | Im going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! Its not a tree at all! Its a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly promising himself that hell never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! Whats that on my plate?! Good heavens get it off the table!! But Mom frogs are our friends! |
| 15/06/87 | Look Hobbes I got a magic carpet! Whats so magic about it? Magic carpets fly! You can ride them! Isnt this the rug from the hallway? Up rug! Up! Up! Hey look! It works! Ok rug warp factor five! Is this legal? Do you have your registration and proof of insurance? |
| 16/06/87 | Wow! Ive never been on a magic carpet before. Hmm ... me either. Ok rug lets cruise at 10000 feet! Wheeeee! Gosh this sure beats having Mom drive us around! Lets go to the mall and hang out! Do we get complimentary bags of nuts on our flight? |
| 17/06/87 | Hey lets fly into the city and buzz Dads office! Ha! Wont be be surprised when he sees us out his 20th floor window! What if hes mad that we took the hallway rug? Whats to get mad about? We wiped our feet first. Yeah but all this city mileage may hurt the resale value. |
| 18/06/87 | Ok I think thats Dads building up ahead. Im not sure where his office is so well just have to look in the windows as we zip by. Hey! There he is! Theres Dad! Hi Dad! Dad look! Out the window! Darn it! Hes still reading that brief. Look out the window Dad! Did you bring any rocks? I didnt think to. |
| 19/06/87 | Hey Dad! Look out the window! I cant believe hes just sitting in there. Why doesnt he look up? I guess hes pretty busy. Yeah but we cant sit up here all day! Sheesh. Lets go. If he had noticed us we couldve given him a ride home. Hmph. I say let him take the smelly ol bus if he cant even look out the window once in a while serves him right. |
| 20/06/87 | Im home! Dad! Hobbes and I flew by your office window today on a rug! We saw you working. We waved and hollered but you didnt even look up. We couldnt believe it. You missed the whole thing! I thought we were cutting down his sugar intake. |
| 21/06/87 | Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! Ive got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! Im a genius! A sheer genius! Susies playing on the sidewalk! Nows my chance to use the snowball Ive been saving in the freezer! Shell never expect a snowball in June! Boy will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There mustve been a cross breeze! I cant believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening. |
| 22/06/87 | 1988 isnt too far away Dad. If your thinking of running for Dad again youd better get your campaign in gear. Frankly the pools look grim. I dont think youve got much of a shot at keeping the office. I take comfort in the fact that not many people want it. Flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates you know. |
| 23/06/87 | The chameleon sits motionless. Amazingly the lizard changes color to blend in with his surroundings. Moments later he is virtually invisible. I see you hiding back there! Now come clean up this mess you made in the kitchen! |
| 24/06/87 | Hold still. Theres a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No wait theres a mosquito on you. |
| 25/06/87 | I wanna horsey ride! Im busy Calvin. You know Dad it wont be long before Im all grown up. One day youll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. Youll look back and say Where has the time gone? Calvins so big. Its hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides. ... but those days will be lost forever. I think Ive worked through my potential guilt now. No no! Jump the fence! |
| 26/06/87 | I read that girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice ... whereas boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dogs tails. Hmph. So what are tigers made of? Dragonflies and katykids but mostly chewed-up little kids. Oh thats clever. |
| 27/06/87 | Do you have any money? Nope. Hmm ... how can we get some? Who do we know that we could sue? |
| 28/06/87 | Whats wrong with you fish? Why wont you eat this big fat juicy worm? Besides the obvious I mean. Boy I hate fishing this is so boring! Look I can see a whole bunch of fish down there but theyre not biting! Lousy fish! By golly Im not going to sit here all day waiting for them to get hungry! Here help me carry this rock. Well dump it in the water and blast the fish out. Then we can just pick them up. Heave! Kabloosh! Ok it was a bad idea! But I got wet too right? No no your idea was fine! We just didnt throw in a big enough object. |
| 29/06/87 | ... so could I Mom? Please? Pleeeaase? I still dont think giving her Bambi eyes is going to get you a flame thrower. Maybe I should sniffle a little too huh? |
| 30/06/87 | What a perfect day! If something doesnt happen here soon Im gonna wack out. |
| 01/07/87 | Look a firefly! Your rear hasnt lit if thats what youre wondering. I cant even tell what muscle to flex. |
| 02/07/87 | Hey Hobbes want to see an antelope? An antelope?! Cmon! See shes coming down the ladder to her boyfriends car! Youre not laughing. Its not funny. |
| 03/07/87 | Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents. |
| 04/07/87 | Bang! Kapwinngg! Up up and awaaayy! |
| 05/07/87 | The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero the intrepid Spaceman Spiff struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! Theres no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when youre done ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom. |
| 06/07/87 | Z. Z. Z. Tag! The games over tuna brain. |
| 07/07/87 | Somebody told me rotten eggs smell bad. They smell terrible. Put em back Calvin. |
| 08/07/87 | I want 8 cookies to go please. This is not a drive-thru! Put that back in the garage! |
| 09/07/87 | Quick Mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! Ill guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! Shes not buying this. Calvin just how dumb do you think I am? |
| 10/07/87 | What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money power or fame? Id choose money. If you have enough money you can buy power and fame that way youd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose thats one way to define it. The part I think Id like best is crushing people who get in my way. |
| 11/07/87 | Look! Somebody poured new cement! Is anyone looking? We could write our initials in it or make a hand print or something! Yeah! Or something! I think wed better find a hose quick! I didnt think it would set up so fast. |
| 12/07/87 | Psst. Hey kid cmere under the bed. Ive got a brand new toy for you. Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Monsters! Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Good idea. Click! Aarrghhh! Aieeee. Aahhhhhh!! Gackk! Ha ha. We got em! Just the ones under the bed wed better open up the drawers and closet too and get some light in those places! By golly no monsters going to get us tonight! Wither and die bloodsucking freaks of nature!! Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Monsters Dad. They could be anywhere. Youre trashing your room at 1:00 in the morning looking for monsters?! If you dont get in bed this instant youll have lot more to worry about than stupid monsters!! What we need is some way to shrivel him up. |
| 13/07/87 | Hey Calvin whatcha doin? Quiet down or youll give away my position. Hobbes and I are having a water fight. A water fight! Can I play? You? Ha! War is a manly art! I suppose anything so idiotic would have to be. Can I play in your game or not? I dont know it seems youd rather be making smart remarks. |
| 14/07/87 | Cmon cant I join your water fight? I have my own water pistol and everything! Itll just take me a minute to get it. Ok you can play but Hobbes is on my team. You have to fight both of us. Great! I can beat you and your stuffed tiger any day. Ill go put on my swimsuit. Susies going to play with us ok? Oh boy. Girls flip for guys in jams. |
| 15/07/87 | I got my water pistol! Im all set! Good. Now Hobbes and I will be one team and you ... Look at your toy tiger! Hes wearing jams!! Thats so cute! Let me squeeze him! Oh for petes sake knock it iff! You go around the house and count to fifty and then we begin all right? You and your dumb jams. This is war remember?! Youre just jealous. ... ooh what a babe! |
| 16/07/87 | Listen up yogurt brain. Heres our strategy: Ill go around the house this way and you go around the other way. Ill draw Susies fire and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok lets go! Thanks for the water balloon Hobbes youre a great double agent! |
| 17/07/87 | Ha ha! Ambush!! Have a drink Susie! Whoa! Whoop! Youve got Hobbes water balloon! Where did? How? Uh oh. Bloosh! I promise you youll hang for this traitor! Im easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit. |
| 18/07/87 | My best friend betrays me! Susie drenched me with my own teammates water balloon! Some buddy you are you Benedict Arnold! Hmph Id do it again in a minute. Susie likes my jams. Dont even talk to me! You and I are through! Ha! Promises promises! Um ... I take it the game is over. Get this traitor off me. He cheats when he fights too. |
| 19/07/87 | Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. Ill bet future civilizations find out more about us than wed like them to know. Look another can thrown on the ground! Boy this makes me mad! By golly if people arent burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons theyre throwing trash everywhere! Youd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now Ive got to carry this gross thing. You know there are times when its a source of personal pride to not be human. Im with you. |
| 20/07/87 | Arent these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Dont you wish it could be like this all year forever? No school. No job no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it why dont you!! |
| 21/07/87 | Hey Dad what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think theyre mostly water. So how come they float? Well its sort of evaporated water maybe there are some other gases too. Im not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it theres no qualifying exam to be a Dad. |
| 22/07/87 | One of the best things about summer is going to sleep with the fan on. The gentle breeze blowing droning hum everything seems safe and serene when the fan is on. Its cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. It almost lets one forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. If you dont like it theres plenty of room on the floor buster. |
| 23/07/87 | Hey Mom whats this I hear about the greenhouse effect? They say the pollutants we dump in the air are trapping in the suns heat and its going to melt the polar ice caps! Sure youll be gone when it happens but I wont! nice planet youre leaving me! This from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than a block away. Hey nobody told me about the ice caps all right? |
| 24/07/87 | More bad news on your polls Dad. Were looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well Calvin. Thats certainly food for thought. Now heres something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100000. Thats a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is Is that hundred grand a gift or a loan? Gotcha Dad. I was just on my way to bed. |
| 25/07/87 | Ring ring. Hello? May I speak with your father please? Hec you dont need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo. Ring ring. |
| 26/07/87 | Thats it you climb up and then help me up! Tigers are natural-born tree climbers. Of course we usually have grappling hooks ropes and utility belts. Hey heres a great tree for climbing! Let me get on your shoulders so I can reach the first branch ok? Geez how many bricks do you have in your pockets?! Whoa! Hold steady you weakling. Ive almost got it! Move up move up! Hurry and grab it before my spine telescopes. Got it! Hey dont let go! Hold me up! Forget it! You can support your own weight bowling ball butt. Mmph! Mmph! I cant get up! Give me a boost! Hey! What are you doing?! Dont take off my shoes! Are you nuts? Hey stop! Aack! Oh no! dont tickle! Pbth! Eek! Hee hee ha ha! Stop it! I cant hold on! Hee hee hoo hoo! Aaugh! Nice landing. Im probably paralyzed. All except your mouth obviously. Im not sorry at all. Give me back my shoes. No. |
| 27/07/87 | I cant believe how dull my life is. Its so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually Id like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when Im not around?? Huh? Are you?! |
| 28/07/87 | Whats wrong Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I dont feel good. Your forehead seems warm. Wed better take your temperature. I cant be sick now! Its still summer vacation! Theres no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!! |
| 29/07/87 | Hi there Calvin. I understand youre not feeling well. Me? Im fine! I just sit around torture chambers in my underwear for kicks. Lets see your degree you quack! Im not going to hurt you. Im just going to examine you to see whats wrong. Ill tell you whats wrong! Ive got Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician thats whats wrong! Nurse call the anesthesiologist in here will you please? My Dads a lawyer Ill have you know! Dont come near me! |
| 30/07/87 | Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? Youre wasting your time maggot from mars! Ill never give in! Never you hear me?! Never! Kid dont make me recant the Hippocratic oath ok? |
| 31/07/87 | Well you certainly were a terror in the doctors office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. Thats why I didnt get a shot. You didnt need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldnt get near enough to stick me. He thinks Im a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what Ive gone through. Yeah Grandma says thats what she used to tell you. |
| 01/08/87 | Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware that is until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh! |
| 02/08/87 | The fires not lighting huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Cant we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals arent hot enough. But Im hungry I want to eat now! Well youll just have to wait. You know Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are its a beautiful evening. Its nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot dont you think? Dinner will be over soon and afterward well be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. Its good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonalds then or what? Yeah I know you think you are going to be six all of your life. |
| 03/08/87 | (NO TEXT) - cowboy and indian |
| 04/08/87 | What a perfect day! Isnt it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I cant believe theres nothing on TV but repeats. |
| 05/08/87 | I think a bee landed on my back! Can you see it? I dont want to move. Thats not a bee. It isnt? Whew. No thats a hornet if I ever saw one! Ow! |
| 06/08/87 | If you could have three wishes granted what would they be? Just three wishes huh? Hmm. That would be a tough decision. I guess Id have to think about it a while. Oops! Hang on. Ok. I know what my first wish would be. |
| 07/08/87 | One of natures uglier creatures the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud high-pitched squeaks the bat can judge an insects distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeaks echo! Changes in the echos pitch reveal the doomed bugs direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being. |
| 08/08/87 | Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time get out of bed! Were going to be late. Im trying. Im trying. |
| 09/08/87 | That run doesnt count! You didnt touch third base! Thats cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isnt fair! You cant run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman youdve been out a long time ago! But we dont do we? Gotcha! Youre out! Ok Im up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time Im going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball. |
| 10/08/87 | Hobbes did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Wont that be fun? Well be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. Whats wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dads plots to build my character. |
| 11/08/87 | Gosh this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I cant wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesnt Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing. |
| 12/08/87 | See that island ahead? Thats where were camping! Oh boy! Ahh this is the life! Fresh air clean water lots of exercise and ... boom! Dear youre back-paddling. Were turning around and finding a hotel! |
| 13/08/87 | Whens this rain going to let up? I dont know Calvin. Hey cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. Always be prepared. You know. These ponchos are super. Theyre thermal-sealed lightweight nylon laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah Dad its great that we wont get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide thongs tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Lets see which one of these was it? |
| 14/08/87 | Im glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you cant put on dry clothes. Youd feel a lot better. Hey wait! No! Dont do that here! Ackpth! |
| 15/08/87 | Some trooper you are! Whats a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least its not snowing right? Right? I mean say it was snowing so hard we couldnt make a fire. Boy I love cold canned ravioli. |
| 16/08/87 | Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course its still raining. Its been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! Were going to need a vacation after this vacation. Ill say! We cant even keep a fire going. I cant believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? Hes a fanatic! Either that or were al out of packaged food. Well probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam starving doesnt sound so bad. If we live to get home Im never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish? |
| 17/08/87 | Hows the water? Freezing. Im coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation Ive ever been on. |
| 18/08/87 | It has been very buggy week has it? Youre really reaching Dad. |
| 19/08/87 | Were packing up! Yep. Ive had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dads words meant? No but I wrote some of them down so we can look em up when we get home. |
| 20/08/87 | Well gang Im sorry the weather wasnt any better this week. I know it wasnt always a lot of fun but we lived through it and we got ot spend some time together and thats whats really important. Anyway I hope youre all not too disappointed. Calvin tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad Mom says ... All right! All right! |
| 21/08/87 | Dad can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax Dad. Its just a ball in the gutter its not as if Ive been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Arent you glad Im not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context. |
| 22/08/87 | Cmon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. Whats the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know its me! Let me up! No. ooh why you lousy rotten stinking ... If you call me names you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: Tigers are nimble and light on their toes my respect for tigers continually grows. Youre not doing the dance. |
| 23/08/87 | Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum he breaks the pull of earths gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering ones mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! Hes saved! Its a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh he does Mom he does. |
| 24/08/87 | The end of summer is always hard on me. Trying to cram all the goofing off Ive been meaning to do. |
| 25/08/87 | How come youre still home? Why arent you at work? I took the day off. Say Dad can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as Im through with it. Gosh Dad Id sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why dont you read the editorials? New dad wated. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must ask for Calvin during normal work hours. |
| 26/08/87 | I dont wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it but they cant make me do it with dignity. |
| 27/08/87 | Rats. I cant tell my gum from my silly putty. |
| 28/08/87 | (NO TEXT) jump rope stumble |
| 29/08/87 | Im never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh who I could call pooty pie. Pooty pie?? Or Bitsy Pookums. I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. Bitsy Pookums. Id say Yes Snoogy Woogy. Shed reply ... |
| 30/08/87 | There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. Im going to run away to Alaska. |
| 31/08/87 | Want to go time traveling with me? See I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman yes but you crawl under the transmogrifier whereas with the time machine you climb in the top. Ahh. |
| 01/09/87 | Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well I suppose if we went into the past I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is then! Right. Once Im rich I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests! |
| 02/09/87 | ok Hobbes our time machine is all set put on your goggles and well be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! Weve got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If Im not back in a couple of minutes you can go without me. Sit down sissy. I already got your goggles. |
| 03/09/87 | All ready? Ill just push the button and off we go into the future! Up up and awaayyy! Were approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?! |
| 04/09/87 | What year in the future are we going to land? Its hard to pinpoint exactly but Id say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol earth is still around then. Ive grown fond of it. If not well return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash. |
| 05/09/87 | Hang on! Were coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum. |
| 06/09/87 | You know some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh hush well find our way home. You dont remember any of this? Nope were sure lost this time. If I had known we werent going to find our way home Id have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. Wed better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! Well be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey isnt that our back yard? Why so it is. I dont care how long youll be gone Im only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles? |
| 07/09/87 | Lets have a look around Im sure well run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod Id guess. I wonder how you get in? I dont see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color? |
| 08/09/87 | I must say the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured theyd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks too. I guess theres still pollution. Ever feel as if youre being monitored? ... or that youre about to do a double-take? |
| 09/09/87 | Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We mustve gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Dont get smart fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think Ive got some triple-a map?! Maybe youd like to steer this time! |
| 10/09/87 | We made it! Its a good thing the time machine didnt stall or wed have been eaten by dinosaurs! Were coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? Ive had enough time traveling lets go home. Lets go just a little into the future and see what Im like as a teen-ager! Lets not all right? |
| 11/09/87 | Hi Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. Thats nice. Whats it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually we were trying to go into the future but we made a mistake. I see well Im glad you made it back. Your mom isnt fazed by much is she? It depends she didnt take the frogs in the toilet so well remember? |
| 12/09/87 | Dad look! The suns setting and its only 3 oclock! Its not 3 oclock your watch stopped. Time doesnt stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there I thought Id get rich patenting this thing. Id have bought one. |
| 13/09/87 | Wipe that grin off your face! Well Hobbes. How do I look? Im doing my best to bite my tongue. I cut out construction paper feathers and taped them on my arms so I can fly! Pretty neat huh? If paper feathers are all it takes to fly dont you think wed have heard about it before? It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things Hobbes. Id agree with that. Heres a gorge. This is a good spot. Youre going to jump off this ledge? Heck no! I need momentum! I want you to toss me over. You understand I assume no responsibility for this? Heave! Im flying. Im flying! Im uh oh. Dont sell the bike shop Orville. Shuh up and go get me some antiseptic. |
| 14/09/87 | Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I dont have to put up with this totalitarianism! Im seceding! Gee can you secede form your own family? Why not? I never signed up for this group! I wasnt even consulted! The only reason Mom and Dad are my parents is because I was born to them! A biological conspiracy huh? |
| 15/09/87 | We can live anywhere we want to now that were seceding from the family! Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? How are we going to get to any of those places? We dont even have a car! Ok Dad for this amazing trick Ill need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes ... |
| 16/09/87 | Hobbes and I are seceding form this family Mom. Oh really? Yep. Were taking my sled and moving to the Yukon. Well thats a long way away. I know. Heres a list of sandwiches and supplies well need. Why should I do all this if youre seceding from the family? We havent seceded yet! Geez. What kind of mom are you? |
| 17/09/87 | Well I guess were all packed. Comic books dart gun space helmet and toboggan! Were off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh thats right! Glad you remembered! Ill go get one! Dont we have any road maps of the Yukon Mom? I doubt it. Ok heres the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This wont take any time at all! |
| 18/09/87 | so long Mom! Were off to the Yukon. Its been nice living here ... but not real nice! Ha ha! Calvin! Wait a minute. Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh. Youre going southeast north is that way. Oh yeah. I knew that. |
| 19/09/87 | This sled is heavy. I thought we were going to ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Weve only been walking 20 minutes Hobbes. We probably wont get to northern Canada until this afternoon. In that case Im taking a break. Good idea want a comic book? Heres Captain Nitro. I want a sandwich. We just have one apiece. We should save em in case we cant catch a walrus. |
| 20/09/87 | You only packed two sandwiches for our entire trip to the Yukon? Relax Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare. Mmff. Whath Thith? Honey n marthmallowth? That one is the other has chocolate syrup. As long as were taking a break we might as well record our progress in the log. Journey to the Yukon: Day one. Have traveled for twenty minutes. No snow so far. Food supplies low. Nevertheless morale is high as we push north. My morale would be a lot higher if youd carry the toboggan. Me?! Im the leader of this expedition! Im forging the path! I think its my turn to be leader now. You cant be the leader! See Ive got the commander hat. That can easily be remedied. Hey! Leggo! This is my helmet! Ow quit biting! This is mutiny! Give that back. Im the captain now. I give the commands. First I decree double rations for all officers to aid their decision making capabilities. Oh no you dont! that last sandwich is mine. |
| 21/09/87 | Im not going to be led by you! Im the rightful captain! You just stole my captain helmet! Lets say you gave it to me under extreme duress. Ooh if you were littler than me boy Id found you! Ha! Your mom told me you have a weird disease and youre going to get smaller as you grow older! She did not! Thats not true! In fact shes already got a contract from the circus side show. I saw it myself. Im not listening! Im not listening! Ohh say can you see ... |
| 22/09/87 | If I cant lead the expedition Im not going at all! You can go to the Yukon yourself. Ha! As captain I fire you anyway! Good! Im going home! You dont have a home. You seceded remember? My life needs a rewind/erase button. ... and a volume control. |
| 23/09/87 | What if Mom and Dad wont take me back because I seceded? What if they tell me I cant rejoin the family? They have to take me back! Im their stupid kid right? Right! ... the operative word being stupid. |
| 24/09/87 | Gosh maybe Mom and Dad sold all my belongings when I seceded. Maybe they rented out my room. Maybe they moved! ... a lot can happen when you are gone all morning! ... Mommmm!! |
| 25/09/87 | Im back Mom. I changed my mind about seceding I want to be your kid again ok? Youll always be my kid. Im glad youre back. Well Hobbes was being a moron. So I decided I didnt want to live in the Yukon with him. So where is Hobbes now? Isnt he back yet? How could Hobbes get back by himself? Youre right that dumb tiger couldnt find his way out of an empty room. |
| 26/09/87 | Bedtime Calvin. Wheres Hobbes? I suppose hes wherever you left him. You mean hes still in the woods?? Its night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! Ill get a flashlight! Weve got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin its your bedtime! Dont pull this stunt now! |
| 27/09/87 | Hobbes you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head where are you?? ... I didnt mean that quite the way the sounded. Cmon Calvin get back inside its too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I cant leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson huh? I thought hed come back by himself. I didnt think hed get lost! Well look for him tomorrow now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope hes ok. If he hadnt been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish hed come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kids pretty upset. Ill bet. I mean hes really upset. I said Ill bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ... |
| 28/09/87 | No luck? Of course not! How am I going to find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night?! Why cant Calvin keep track of his toys?! I must be crazy to be out here. Hobbes! Oops. Heh heh. I may be crazy but Im not as crazy as you. |
| 29/09/87 | Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? Its almost midnight. Yeah I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh honey thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. Hed better be or tomorrow Ill leave him in the woods. Cmon well put Hobbes in Calvins bed so hell see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night Im going to bed. |
| 30/09/87 | Hobbes! Youre back! Im so glad to see you! Im glad to see you too. Gosh werent you scared being out in the woods at night? Heck no tigers arent scared of that! I got so bored I hiked back. Mom! Look! Hobbes is back! Yes your dad found him last night and brought him in. is that soo?! Mm-hmm. Why dont you go thank him right now? |
| 01/10/87 | Hi Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house you and I can be the parents and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I dont see why youll play with your dumb ol tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! Youre just mean thats all! Go play in a microwave Susie. Were busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose but its hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice? |
| 02/10/87 | Uh oh. It happened again. Calvin wakes up without any recognizable features save two antennae. How disgusting. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slive. Lacking arms and legs how will Calvin put on his clothes? Arent you dressed yet? You are so sluggish in the morning! |
| 03/10/87 | Where are you going with the toy telephone? Out in the woods you can come along if youd like. What are you going to do? Try some bird calls. |
| 04/10/87 | Eep! Ha ha! Right here kid! Help! Help! The leaf piles got me!! The rake! Gotta get the rake! Forget it kid! Youre doomed! Yaahh! Back you arboreal menace! Back! Wham wham! Sinister fiend! You wont be tricking other innocent little kids! Ill spread you across the whole yard! I though you said you were going to rake the yard today. I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoon ... wheres Calvin?! |
| 05/10/87 | Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No youre staying home. What I got the plague?! Why cant I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that? |
| 06/10/87 | Mom wont let us go to the movie with them so I guess were on our own for tonight. Can we watch TV? What Mom and Dad dont know wont hurt them right? In fact after they leave lets get in the other car and learn to drive! Oh boy! I get to beep the horn ok? Hey theres a teen-ager coming up the drive. Oh no! its Rosalyn! Our bab sitter?! Whats she doing here? Dont Mom and Dad trust us?? Quick hide!! |
| 07/10/87 | Were leaving now Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope hes not too much trouble tonight. Dont worry I brought a cattle prod this time! Youre mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny lets go. |
| 08/10/87 | Calvin? Are you in there? Cmon out and well make some popcorn. Calvin? Oh brother. I see you Calvin! Cmon back inside. No way lady! If you want us youll have to catch us! Oh geez ... run! Shes wearing cleats! Outta my way! Outta my way! |
| 09/10/87 | Lets go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. Its my job to watch you and thats what Im going to do even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said Im not going anywhere. Leggo. |
| 10/10/87 | Were home Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. Thats good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here! |
| 11/10/87 | Well if you didnt get in a fight at school what on earth happened to you?! Lets just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil. |
| 12/10/87 | Hi Dad. Im repeating everything anyone says. Oh you are are you? Oh you are are you? Knock it off Calvin. Thats very annoying. Knock it off Calvin. Thats very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok give them to me. Ha ha. Why dont you go bother your mother for a while? |
| 13/10/87 | Psst ... Susie! Whats the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairys gonna make you rich tonight Susie. |
| 14/10/87 | Lets see what you drew for art class Susie. Well a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder its men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1s nuking New York. |
| 15/10/87 | Mom can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I dont think so Calvin. Its a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she wont even let us go into the store. I think wed learn a lot by watching that. |
| 16/10/87 | Nobody had better be sneaking up on me!! Whump! Its hard to change direction in mid-air. Buddy. Im going to change a lot more than your direction. |
| 17/10/87 | Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes its good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words. |
| 18/10/87 | A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! Ive waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and well kill you rather painlessly. Lets dispense with the pleasantries you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldnt drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didnt read the assignment did you Calvin? |
| 19/10/87 | Hey Calvin cmere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children. |
| 20/10/87 | You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. Hes mean just for kicks. I sure am glad youre an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and were cuter too. Right Hobbes good point. |
| 21/10/87 | Look Hobbes I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You dont need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess so well get him then. Hey you dont have rabies do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well I suppose hed at least have to get a tetanus shot. |
| 22/10/87 | Hey Calvin. Whyd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? Its not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little treat today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? Hows he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage you probably dont want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Dont get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon. |
| 23/10/87 | Look Calvins got a teddy bear thats real sweet Calvin. Its a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey maybe Id like to play with your teddy! Good idea moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough but hes lots of fun. Cmere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick right? Im not touching your stupid teddy see? Cmon I dare you! Whats the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah you bub! |
| 24/10/87 | I called your teacher about Moes bullying and she said shed put a stop to it. Im afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I dont think Moe will be bothering me for a while. Its not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky moms those kids have. Cmon Hobbes if youll lend me a buck Ill buy you a comic book. |
| 25/10/87 | I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isnt a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sundays because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and schools just begun. Gee I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air the early evenings the ... uh ... the ... yes well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didnt mention fresh applesauce fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce. |
| 26/10/87 | Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this skin. I heard it used to be made of intestine but I think nowadays its plastic. Of course they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. Its like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why Im so hungry after school. Yep wed probably be dead now if it wasnt for Twinkies. |
| 27/10/87 | Hey Dad your latest poll just came in. lets see what it says. Be still my heart. Well Ill be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck no wonder! Im reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed Dad. Dont you have some homework to do? |
| 28/10/87 | I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure back up the truck. |
| 29/10/87 | Buurrp! Good heavens Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and youre history kiddo. Excuse me. |
| 30/10/87 | With ultra-sonic hearing Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky and ... Are you going or do you need a push? Dont rush me all right?! |
| 31/10/87 | Lurch your way to the car kid. You need a haircut. |
| 01/11/87 | Your dads working so try not to bother him ok? Dad I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of no. Thats a relief. Thanks Dad. Youre welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If youre having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. Ill give you some suggestions. |
| 02/11/87 | Think its getting any colder out? Not really. I dont think its gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well lets go in. |
| 03/11/87 | Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. Its really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol George has the gout I see. I said this was hard. |
| 04/11/87 | The giant whale swims toward the surface! Its massive tail pumping furiously he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin youd better not be splashing the floor you hear me?! |
| 05/11/87 | I wont eat any cereal that doesnt turn the milk purple. |
| 06/11/87 | The deadly tornado makes its way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it I know. |
| 07/11/87 | Oh boy its Saturday!! Whats going on? Why arent there any cartoons on TV? Its just a test pattern. The TV guide says they dont start until 6:30. Heck thats 45 minutes form now! Well cmon. Ill race you up and down the stairs! Why cant he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs will you honey? |
| 08/11/87 | Kiss Hobbes good night too Mom. If you dont get a good night kiss you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Dont let the bedbugs bite. Whats that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! Ill run for some bug spray! Dont let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! Whats going on up there?! It sounds like hes moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh all that spray didnt kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! Ill (cough) tell you whos going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!! |
| 09/11/87 | Bad news on your campaign to stay dad Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they dont care about issues this year. Its character that counts. So why the bad news? Whos the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Whos a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo Mom! |
| 10/11/87 | Its the sad truth Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If youre going to be dad here we have to know youve never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Lets flip through it shall we? Is this you with the keg and the party naked t-shirt. Give me that! |
| 11/11/87 | Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because theres no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah moms looking into nursing homes. |
| 12/11/87 | Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Lets say eighteen. |
| 13/11/87 | Hi Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. Whats cooking. Ha ha ha ha. Whats with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track. |
| 14/11/87 | I made up a joke. A mans going for a walk so he gets his dog and says heel. ... and the dog looks up and says it takes one to know one buster! ha ha ha. Whats the matter with you? Dont you get it? Ahhh what do tigers know about sophisticated humor anyway? How did the dog learn to talk? |
| 15/11/87 | Go way back. Im really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy he cant kick it this far. Whatre you doing? Im ten yards from the goal line! Arent you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before youd ever get me from back there! Whats the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more. |
| 16/11/87 | Hi Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Dont even talk to me. I dont want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax I wasnt going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt will you please? Here. Thanks slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up. |
| 17/11/87 | Im home. I read that tigers spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca. |
| 18/11/87 | Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez look at them slobbering over each others faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. Theres a connection here I just know it. |
| 19/11/87 | Quit hogging the bed. Youre way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing spilling rushing gushing splashing. He really fights mean. |
| 20/11/87 | Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesnt respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam but it doesnt work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin! |
| 21/11/87 | I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that. |
| 22/11/87 | If you dont hurry up youll miss the school bus. Thats the best news Ive heard today. Lets see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now boys! Get im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok boys just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! Im not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I dont want to hear about it. |
| 23/11/87 | Since September its just gotten colder and colder. Theres less daylight now Ive noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well gee now I dont feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year. |
| 24/11/87 | Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earths orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isnt it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that theyll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth. |
| 25/11/87 | Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently now that the Sun is going out and were all doomed? No Ive always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you? |
| 26/11/87 | My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isnt going out after all! Its just getting colder because winters coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol Dad knowing something like that! |
| 27/11/87 | Whats the story youre going to read me Dad? It doesnt have any romance in it does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesnt have a moral does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white? |
| 28/11/87 | The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! Its caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips its hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already? |
| 29/11/87 | Calvin its time to wake up. Calvin its time to wake up. Cmon youll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal. |
| 30/11/87 | Im going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and Ill escape! Tie the knots tighter dont make it so easy for me. Tie my feet too. All right lets see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin dinner time! Should I tell her youre tied up at the moment ha ha? Ill be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time gosh. I cant even move. |
| 01/12/87 | Your dinners getting cold Calvin! Ill be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! dont touch those ropes! I want to escape! Its easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing youre doing this here before you tried it under water. |
| 02/12/87 | Mmf! Gggk! Its no use. Youd better untie me I cant escape. Lets see this end goes in here and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! Thats tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! Ill get your cub scout manual. I dont believe this. |
| 03/12/87 | I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots all right? Hey look heres a motto! I didnt know you had a motto! Wow what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you dont get me out of this. Ill quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Dont flip through the book you idiot! Untie me! Hmph if I was in your predicament Id treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say youre sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking. |
| 04/12/87 | Hobbes Im not kidding. If you dont get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this Mr Houdini not me. But Im supposed to be at dinner! Moms gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey heres morse code! Ok Im sorry I called you names. I said Im sorry right? Now untie me. Heres how you say banana in morse. Dash dot dot dot dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well his dinner is stone cold. I hope hes happy. |
| 05/12/87 | All right young man! Youve wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up Dad! Its his fault. Dont make up lies Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Whod pay for you you big fibber?! Im certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh hush. You always get me in trouble. |
| 06/12/87 | First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin the mighty god creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! Hes one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? Hes creating whole worlds over there! Ill be he grows up to be an architect. |
| 07/12/87 | Whats for dinner Mom? Tortellini. Oh no not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Cant we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ... |
| 08/12/87 | Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! Theyre trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. Im to smart for them though! I dont read my assignments! |
| 09/12/87 | Behold the terrible thunder lizard Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor he lets out a triumphant roar! |
| 10/12/87 | I juth hade it whed thith happedth. |
| 11/12/87 | Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day. |
| 12/12/87 | How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh yeah the movie. Yeah there was a movie it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player. |
| 13/12/87 | That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory. |
| 14/12/87 | Open your moth and close your eyes and youll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! Youre peeking! Whats the matter? Dont you trust your own kid?! Cmon close your eyes! Uh oh hang on he got away. |
| 15/12/87 | Anything yet? Not one snowflake. |
| 16/12/87 | Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully and include them with the rest of my loot this year. Thats the problem with this guy. Hes gotten sloppy without any competition. |
| 17/12/87 | He sees when youre sleeping he knows when youre awake. He knows if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf or CIA spook? |
| 18/12/87 | This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel dont you think? Youre worried about the salamander incident arent you? Temporary insanity! Thats all it was! |
| 19/12/87 | They say Santa knows if youve been good or bad but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case Mr. Smartypants. |
| 20/12/87 | Can we get this tree Mom? Can we? I dont know Calvin. Its awfully expensive. Yeah but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! Its a great one! This year I thought wed just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. Were not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody whos going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year. |
| 21/12/87 | This whole Santa Claus thing just doesnt make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesnt he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesnt exist whats the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isnt this a religious holiday? Yeah but actually Ive got the same questions about God. |
| 22/12/87 | Gosh Hobbes what if I dont get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose hes putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally Id think that if you werent on the bad list all along this wouldnt push you over. Thanks for the comfort eggnog brain. See? See why youre on the bad list? Insults! |
| 23/12/87 | Well Ive decided I do believe in Santa Claus no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck Ill believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. Its the spirit of Christmas. |
| 24/12/87 | Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I havent heard Santa yet have you? Do you think hes coming? Its only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp did you hear that? Its him! Its Santa! Shh! Hes saying something! Slippin rippin dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you! |
| 25/12/87 | We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh no its not morning already? Well technically yes ... |
| 26/12/87 | Bath time Calvin! Come on lets just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Lets go! Shell never look here. |
| 27/12/87 | Heres a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story Im writing. You can draw something besides tigers cant you? Sure. Leopards pumas ocelots ... you name it. Here dad read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barneys dad was really bad so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said Eat your peas! Barney shouted No! and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where hed gone. Cause Barney didnt tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry hed been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it I get it! |
| 28/12/87 | What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well? |
| 29/12/87 | Look at this! You call this snow?! Its not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well its pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness. |
| 30/12/87 | This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. Well pour water on it so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Wheres that kid?! |
| 31/12/87 | This snow fort can repel any attack! I hate this neighborhood. |
| 01/01/88 | Whap! Im glad to see youre inside. Its handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off. |
| 02/01/88 | My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind its thick wall I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! Youre supposed to attack from that side of the fort dummy!! |
| 03/01/88 | Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. Im just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact I think its high time the world started changing to suit me! I dont see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions I say its up to everyone else not me! I dont need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well I had resolved to be less offended by human nature but I think I blew it already. |
| 04/01/88 | I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. Thats what Id like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate Im going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold. |
| 05/01/88 | Help me figure out this homework problem Hobbes. Whats 3 + 8. Ok assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply so take the numerator (thats latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side so what times three equals eight? The answer of course is six. Gosh I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me. |
| 06/01/88 | Heres another math problem I cant figure out. Whats 9 + 4? Ooh thats a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know eleventeen thirty-twelve and all those ... its a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? Youve never gone to school! Instinct tigers are born with it. |
| 07/01/88 | Its freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesnt someone make a fire?! If we cant afford to heat this place maybe dad should get a better job! Why cant we move to Florida?! Calvin pipe down and put on a sweater if youre cold. And go to all that trouble?! |
| 08/01/88 | I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesnt watch TV at all while Im at school. So if we get home at 3:00 I should be able to watch it straight till 10:30 right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?! |
| 09/01/88 | Mom the washer is done. Ok. Arent you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin cant you see Im busy right now?? She says shes busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there arent any towels. |
| 10/01/88 | Two parts slush one part solid ice one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh boy here comes Susie! Hey Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Wheres my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh did you really lose your eyeball? I didnt know they came out! Wow. Im really sorry. I didnt mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it. |
| 11/01/88 | Whos coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I dont remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure hes related? Maybe hes a con man trying to swindle us! Of course hes related. Hes your dads brother. He just hasnt been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens Calvin. Now now ... with Max thats not a bad guess. |
| 12/01/88 | Were getting near the airport Calvin. See the jets? How come youre so quiet back there? Arent you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks Im giving up my room while hes here. |
| 13/01/88 | Its great to see you Max! It seems like ages since youve been here. Ill say. I didnt think it had been so long until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid what do you say? I say youd better watch your step cause Ive got a live man-eating tiger at home and if I so much as wink hell rip your lungs out. cute kid bro. |
| 14/01/88 | And this is my room Uncle Max. I dont know where youre sleeping but it sure isnt here. Gotcha nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldnt get too close if I was you. Dont worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death thats what hes got. And a killers yee. You can tell. I think Ill go downstairs. Ol Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe hes related to dad. A killers eye he said. Wow! I wonder which one! |
| 15/01/88 | Hey! Hey kid what are you doing?! Im going through your luggage. Whats it look like Im doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves or did they just untie you for my visit? Didnt you bring me a present? I cant find one anywhere. |
| 16/01/88 | Is this my place? Cant I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey thats sweet. |
| 17/01/88 | Ive got to go in. Another five minutes out here and Ill be frozen solid. Ooh I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Heres Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself or what? |
| 18/01/88 | Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope Im not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he? |
| 19/01/88 | Boy Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah theyre inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean shouldnt he be playing with real friends? Oh I think he will when hes ready. Didnt you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary. |
| 20/01/88 | Uncle max look! Ill show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok first Ill need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No it works much better with a twenty or a fifty if you have one. I take it you think your ol Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why did Dad tell you how this works? |
| 21/01/88 | When are you going back home Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! Youre all right Calvin. Moms a lot more patient with me in front of guests. |
| 22/01/88 | Well so long Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok fella? Heck Ill come right now! So long Mom! Bye Dad! Calvin get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We couldve bought him a ticket. Well. |
| 23/01/88 | Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air! |
| 24/01/88 | Seven eight nine net! Thats my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You cant just take money from the bank! Youve got hotels on every piece of property you own. I cant afford to pay you so Im sticking up the bank its a robbery! You cant do that! Im the banker right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules dont say you can rob the bank. Thats cheating. Do the rules say you cant rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events ok? Ok if thats how were playing then Im robbing you! Ha! Ill steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well Im taking all the houses and hotels and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250000! Thats what you think you you. Isnt it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno I overheard him using words he didnt learn in this household. |
| 25/01/88 | Aaghh I cant believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is youd better do a great job! I dont want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? Whats wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not! |
| 26/01/88 | Ok look. Weve got to do this dumb project together so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Werent you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasnt here to ask? Youd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten thats what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids dont pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh right. Youre too smart. Believe it lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well mine are even worse! |
| 27/01/88 | So what are we supposed to be doing? Were supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! Im not going to do this whole thing myself! Youd probably goof it all up if you did. Lets get started. Yes! Lets! Ill be the management and you can be the labor. First get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners? |
| 28/01/88 | What are you doing?! Youre doodling! Youre sitting here drawing martians when were supposed to be researching! You havent done anything yet! Dont you care?? Whats the matter with you?! Its no use! Were going to flunk! Ill have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch you can see him eat an astronaut! |
| 29/01/88 | Look bird brain you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. Youd better bust your butt over the weekend or Im telling the teacher you didnt do any work. Got it? ... well what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate. |
| 30/01/88 | Calvin telephone! Why arent you at the library?!? |
| 31/01/88 | Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that its not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! Its a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorgs cave where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiffs mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Dont you want to lean way way over and test how hot the water is? |
| 01/02/88 | We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And Ill bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin. |
| 02/02/88 | ... and so the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury heres my partner Calvin. Thank you thank you! Hey what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really I mean that! Go on give yourselves a hand! You know a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isnt my fault Miss Wormwood! |
| 03/02/88 | The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I cant imagine. ... um back to you Susie. |
| 04/02/88 | Boy you shouldve seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. Ive never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez you think Susie was mad. |
| 05/02/88 | Dont you hate it when your boogers freeze? |
| 06/02/88 | Here we are overlooking suicide gulch about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid I hope. Because its there! |
| 07/02/88 | Im going outside! Ill be out back if anyone wants me! Ill probably be gone a couple hours! Im leaving now! Im going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary huh? Ill be you didnt know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5 treaded toes. |
| 08/02/88 | Look Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you dont like the color of your bedspread. Well you just zap it and presto its an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesnt have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose moms getting on our nerves for instance. |
| 09/02/88 | How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit and turns the object into whatever you want. Thats amazing. Well it took me all morning to invent. So say Im thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where youre pointing that! Watch where youre pointing that! |
| 10/02/88 | Ok lets test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. Ill terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. Whats a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No no! its a big flying dinosaur! Dont shoot me if you dont know what it is!! |
| 11/02/88 | A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? Its almost lunchtime. Oh I see well Im glad you werent hungry for a hotdog! |
| 12/02/88 | Heres the transmogrifier gun. Now try again and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok here you go. Well now thats more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didnt why? |
| 13/02/88 | You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My arent you the cranky one today? By golly Ill show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You my friend just made a big mistake. |
| 14/02/88 | There! Now were both transmogrified. Were even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasnt at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fairs fair. Ok Ill take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes huh? Well I hope Calvin is you because his moms going to have a fit when she sees this. |
| 15/02/88 | Look Ill transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh thats much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. Whats wrong?? Im not transmogrifying! Boy Im glad we did me first. |
| 16/02/88 | Whats wrong with the transmogrifier? Why wont it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Dont tell me Im stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know youre going to eat it? |
| 17/02/88 | Hi mom Im an owl. You dont look like a very happy owl. Nope. Im not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I dont like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I dont like mice. I heard you. Its tomato. |
| 18/02/88 | What am I going to do Hobbes? I cant be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. Its not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually its probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before but little boys dont smell so good. |
| 19/02/88 | Ive got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if Im an owl?! Oh no. Im doomed! Im doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my what a wonderful day! |
| 20/02/88 | Time to get up Calvin. You dont want to miss the school bus. Im not going to school Mom. Im an owl. No youre not. Now get up and get dressed. Im not an owl? Im not! Im me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! Im a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go ok? |
| 21/02/88 | No text |
| 22/02/88 | Ding dong. Ill get it. Hobbes quick close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! Its Rosalyn! |
| 23/02/88 | Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I dont have any guns. Whats the problem? Rosalyns here and she wont go away! Why on earth dont you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Dont you remember? I told you that this morning? You just dont pay attention. Thats why you never know whats going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?! |
| 24/02/88 | Can you believe it Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? Theres just one thing to do. Well mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox Mom. Stop being silly Calvin. Wheres Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know shes still on the front porch why? You didnt let her in?! ding dong. |
| 25/02/88 | Come in Rosalyn! Im sorry! We didnt realize Calvin hadnt let you in. Thats ok. It wasnt too cold and wet out. Were late help yourself to anything in the fridge. Well see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldnt get it open. Bed. |
| 26/02/88 | Hey dont fix that for dinner! Didnt Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? Its doctors orders! Oh Id better call your doctor then! Oh no she called my bluff! The doctors gonna be furious! Boy are we going to get ti! We? Im dialing! Hello doctor? Im calling about Calvins dietary needs. ... at the tone the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No he didnt. did he? Whats castor oil? |
| 27/02/88 | Mom doesnt set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isnt the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. Im not your mom all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you you nasty ol barracuda. I cant believe I postponed a date for this. |
| 28/02/88 | My dad is a big ... hey! I think wed better get that kid to a psychologist. |
| 29/02/88 | Ill get it. I think its for me. Hello? Hi Charlie thanks for calling. Yeah this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriends a sadistic kid-hater! Dont ever marry her! Shed be a terrible mother! She uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you hell thank me! |
| 01/03/88 | Rosalyn sent us to bed and its not even our bedtime yet! Weve got to escape. Heres the plan: you start moaning and when Rosalyn comes in. Ill throw this blanket over her. Well tie her up and make our getaway got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn come quick! Theres something wrong with Hobbes! Right Calvin. What should I do call a vet? No just come up here and close your eyes. |
| 02/03/88 | Were home! Hi Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh that bad eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night thanks again. Shes got a real racket going doesnt she? What do you want to do stay home ever night until Calvins eighteen? |
| 03/03/88 | Hey Calvin guess what were doing in gym today. Were wrestling! Next period youll be so covered with mat burns youll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someones armpit right before lunch. |
| 04/03/88 | Kapwinggg! Its Calvin the human light particle! In the blink of an eye hes 165000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope! |
| 05/03/88 | Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. Thats when you eat all the leftover milk thats all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits too but Mom wont buy it for me. |
| 06/03/88 | Its freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey youre on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my sides all cold! Well dont get me cold! Move over. Sure youve got a fur coat! Im just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets willya? I hardly have any you hot! Gimmie those! Youre letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what its like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers fuzz ball! Move over. Youre getting my side all hot. Open the window Im roasting. |
| 07/03/88 | Hey Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? Its a very special time! Oh boy oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! Its your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby complaining that their kids never write call or visit? Those letters really crack me up. |
| 08/03/88 | I hate being a kid. Somebodys always telling you what to do or what not to do. Do this! Stop that! Day after day. Youre lucky youre a tiger. Well we try to stay humble but lord knows its hard. I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out. |
| 09/03/88 | I wish I was a tiger. A common lament. Ive got an idea! You can teach me to be a tiger! Ive got some red sleepers I can wear! Hang on! See? We can make a tail by stuffing a knee sock and pinning it on my rear! Then you can draw stripes on my face! Hmm ... what about fur and whiskers? I havent shaved for six years. I seem to be cursed with a thin beard. |
| 10/03/88 | gee Im getting more like a tiger every minute. Hold still while I draw stripes. How do I look? Its some improvement. Rowrr rrghgh rawrr. I dunno youre still lacking something tigger-ish. Panache. Thats it. Wiat Ive got some plastic vampire fangs I can put in! |
| 11/03/88 | Thats great Hobbes! Im a tiger! Well being a tiger is more than just stripes you realize. Kind of a zen thing huh? You have to think like a tiger. Yowwow Im hungry! Whats for dinner? Hows that? Har har. Do you want me to teach you anything or not? |
| 12/03/88 | Ok were tigers. Were out in the wilderness. Teach me how to survive. Lets say were hiding up in a tree. Our keen tiger eyes and noses detect some prey nearby. What do we do? I suppose it would depend on what kind of prey it was. I dont care pick something. Well if its a box of rigatoni noodles first you would go put on some water ... |
| 13/03/88 | The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again the undisputed king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity the monster begins its feast! Limb-severing bone-crushing and tendon-snapping he ... Calvin! Thats disgusting! For heavens sake slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating mortified that someone might see him. |
| 14/03/88 | Hobbes youre supposed to be teaching me how to be a tiger. Weve been sitting in this dumb tree all morning and you havent taught me how to hunt or anything! Its instinct. You cant teach that. Well if you wont help Ill just go look up tiger in the encyclopedia. As long as were going in lets fix some soup and sandwiches ok? You know what you are? A disgrace thats what. |
| 15/03/88 | This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True very true. Secretive? Oh sure! You wouldnt believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I cant tell you theyre secrets. You can tell me! I wont blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy if you only knew! Mm-mm! |
| 16/03/88 | I dont believe you even have a secret. Thats right I dont. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why cant you tell me? Its about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! Ive said too much already. |
| 17/03/88 | If you wont tell me your secret I wont be your friend anymore. Ill give you a hint hows that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints. |
| 18/03/88 | I dont believe your dumb ol secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. Its true. It is not and if all your secrets are lies you can just keep them to yourself. You just dont want to hear how little you went for. Oh hush up. This book also says tigers wont share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on ones nerves. A nickel. Thats how much you cost. |
| 19/03/88 | This book says tigers are territorial and wont share their ground with other tigers. I guess wed better divide up the woods then. This will be my territory and that will be yours. This rock will separate our two sides. As another tiger you are hereby banished from this side of the rock. Ha ha ha! Look what Im doing! You cut that out! |
| 20/03/88 | Uh oh Ill bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know Ill sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! Im home! Ive got to start listening to those quiet nagging doubts. |
| 21/03/88 | My side of the woods is abound in natural scenic splendor. Your side wallows in decay and filth. My territory is infinitely superior to yours. Your side is smaller. Hey! |
| 22/03/88 | Im hungry. Well you cant catch anything in my territory. Thats what the book says. What do tigers eat in the wild anyway? They catch big gross caterpillars like that one. Ewww. Its got little spikes all over him. Tigers really eat these? By the truckload. Theyre great. Let me see the book. Who are you going to believe some silly writer or a real tiger? |
| 23/03/88 | So far I havent had much fun as a tiger. I thought wed be romping around the woods like we always do but it turns out tigers dont share their territories with other tigers! So here we are sitting on opposite sides of a big rock. What a blast. Being a tiger just isnt all its cracked up to be. Thats not the half of it. It says here were an endangered species! |
| 24/03/88 | Were endangered? It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt. Thats awful. Ill say. No offense but I think Ill go back to being a kid again. This explains why I dont meet many babes. |
| 25/03/88 | Im home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid. |
| 26/03/88 | Im home! Wham! Youll notice I didnt say I was inside. |
| 27/03/88 | A red spaceship? On the monitor your vileness. Its that infernal Spaceman Spiff! Open fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! He aims for planet Mok hoping to find a reputable body shop. We join our hero after a crash landing on the hostile planet Mok. Ominous figures appear in the horizon. The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher but he is hopelessly outnumbered! Surrounded our hero is taken prisoner and carried to a subterranean dungeon! Still wont talk eh Spiff? Well see about that! Youll never get anything from me space squid! You had your chance earthling! Take him to the interrogation room and wash his hair! Aaugh! You got soap in my eyes on purpose! Sinister fiend! If youd stop thrashing around maybe it wouldnt happen! |
| 28/03/88 | Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! Hes ... hes alive! Well look whos up and about. Hello sleepyhead. |
| 29/03/88 | Calvin wakes up staring into the eyes of a big frog. Seeing Calvin awake the frog scrambles down and forces open Calvins mouth! Calvin tries to fight but the slippery amphibian instantly slides in and is swallowed! How disgusting! I dont feel good. You sound awful. Youve got a frog in your throat. |
| 30/03/88 | Calvin the elephant wanders the African plain. At five tons he is the largest land animal! His deafening call shatters the early morning tranquility! |
| 31/03/88 | I read that a cheetah can run 65 miles an hour can tigers run that fast? Of course. Really? Lets see you do it. Oh I cant now. Yeah? Why not? Im not wearing my drag chute. |
| 01/04/88 | Why do you suppose were here? Because we walked here. No no. I mean here on Earth. Because Earth can support life. No I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist? Because we were born. Forget it. I will thank you. |
| 02/04/88 | Saturday is the best day of the week. No demands at all! Perfect freedom! The whole day stretches before us with unlimited opportunity! And what better way to appreciate that opportunity than by squandering it watching cartoons all day! |
| 03/04/88 | Will you get me a glass of water? You just had one. I want one to keep by the bed so I can douse this guy if he starts snoring. Good night Calvin. Hee hee hee. Oh great hes dreaming again. Sniff. Where do you think you are you imbecile? Out in the jungle? Mm ... heh heh. If he starts running hes gonna get a pillow in the kisser. Sniff. Hey! Where are you going? Somnambulists give me the creeps. Why are we going to the kitchen? Calvin! What are you doing? Have you been sleepwalking? I was completely awake! Its this dope whos sleepwalking! I just followed him. I put him back to bed he couldnt give any reason for being up. Do you suppose it means anything? Look he got out all the tuna! |
| 04/04/88 | Ahh! Lunch my favorite meal! And todays lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm Ive been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. Ill call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me Calvin. Do you have any friends at all? |
| 05/04/88 | Ok youve all read the chapter so who can tell me whats important about the battle of Lexington? Anyone? Calvin how about you? Hard to say maam. I think my cerebellum just fused. |
| 06/04/88 | Hey Mom can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight dear. Aw Mom! Why not? Because Im already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know. |
| 07/04/88 | Why does the sun set? Its because hot air rises. The suns hot in the middle of the day so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear! |
| 08/04/88 | Im thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. Whats the matter dont you like games?? |
| 09/04/88 | Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh I do. Really? How come? Lifes a lot more fun when youre not responsible for your actions. |
| 10/04/88 | Despite that amazing display of cunning reflex and physical prowess your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room please? Id like to get off. |
| 11/04/88 | Your polls dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like. |
| 12/04/88 | Youll be glad to know Ive analyzed your poor showing in the polls. Ill bet. See your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign its you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad I call it. |
| 13/04/88 | I think the image we need to create for you is repentant but learning. You know show some humility and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesnt begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time hell do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in 88. I get the idea Calvin. |
| 14/04/88 | If you want to stay Dad youve got to polish your image. My image. Right see now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your minds gone blank I have some suggestions. Oh the suspense. For example you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory. |
| 15/04/88 | Much as I appreciate your offer I dont need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case youll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. Well see. Now its past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night. |
| 16/04/88 | Eight nine ten! Here I come ready or not! All right give em back! |
| 17/04/88 | I call this lookout hill. Yes you can certainly see far from up here. I call it lookout hill because thats what you yell whenever we go down it. You know sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. Were so busy watching out for whats just ahead of us that we dont take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes weve made. But its too late to change anything. Its like ... its like ... Its like what? Its like SOMEthing ... I just cant think of it. |
| 18/04/88 | Here I am waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college then maybe graduate school and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well you still have afternoons and weekends. Thats when I watch TV. |
| 19/04/88 | Look Hobbes I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here you put those pieces together and Ill do these. Then well stick yours on mine OK? Shouldnt we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy? |
| 20/04/88 | Hey these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh I got glue on my hands. It starts in English but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. Its hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor because its sure not going anywhere. |
| 21/04/88 | Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel wont fit in the wheel well. Here let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings. |
| 22/04/88 | Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesnt look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I cant paint it like this. Look how good they did this. Howd they paint eyebrows on a pilot thats less than an inch tall?? I think thats a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand. |
| 23/04/88 | I hate this model. Nothing fit right the instructures were incomprehensible the decals ripped the paint slopped and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I cant think of an afternoon Ive enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course with this for practice Ill bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Lets get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings. |
| 24/04/88 | A voice cackles in Calvins radio. Enemy fighters at two oclock! Roger. What should I do until then? Calvins F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But whats this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvins only hope is to land but the wheels refuse to open! Theyre stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model. |
| 25/04/88 | Im not going to bed! I dont have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! Ill be a hulking surly teen-ager before you know it!! |
| 26/04/88 | Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real and youre just a reflection of HIM? If that was true youd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle right? Gee I guess so. I hadnt thought of that. |
| 27/04/88 | BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! Thats six shots! Youre out of bullets! Ive got you now you rustles! ZAP! ZAP? My cattle prod. |
| 28/04/88 | Hey Susie guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. Im not guessing. You might as well. Youre nine-tenths there. |
| 29/04/88 | Mom was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Dont be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom Mr. Britannica! |
| 30/04/88 | How can you stand these cartoons? Theyre just half-hour commercials for toys. And when theyre not boring theyre preachy. And these characters dont even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV. |
| 01/05/88 | Good night Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I cant! Im trapped in slow motion! Well youd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap! |
| 02/05/88 | Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If youre looking for fossilized remains you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday Ill name an Australopithecus woman after you. |
| 03/05/88 | Ive been reading up on paleontology. Its amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt its in. Hey! Why you must be six years old. Oh youre a scream. |
| 04/05/88 | Archeologists dig slowly and carefully using small delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I dont think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow. |
| 05/05/88 | Hey look! I hit something! Dont break it! Dig carefully! Gosh what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. Its some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe its a prehistoric anteater. |
| 06/05/88 | Wow! I cant believe we found a dinosaur skull on our very first archealogical dig. Its completely intact too! What a discovery! Maybe the rest of the skeleton is nearby! Yeah! If we can find the whole thing well be world famous! With the grant money well get we can buy a Porsche! How will THIS look on the cover of National Geographic? |
| 07/05/88 | I found another bone! I found another bone! Boy this is a weird one. What is it? It could be a forearm and fingers. I cant wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. I didnt know bones came in decorator colors did you? |
| 08/05/88 | The call goes out! Were on the move! Up through the winding maze! Faster! Faster! Calvin scrambles up the grainy tunnel! Out he pops into the blinding sun! Calvin the and rushes down the hill to the brick walk! Other ants rush around him in their mad hurry! Calvin tries to keep up! At least he reaches the monstrous dead caterpiller! Without pausing he hoists it up! The queen demands his tireless toil! Calvin is back off to the ant-hill as fast as he can go! Work work work! Thats what Im good for around here! I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave. |
| 09/05/88 | Gosh look at all the dinosaur bones we discovered. Lets glue them together so we can see how they fit. Then you can draw a reconstruction of the actual dinosaur. After that well write up our findings and get them published in a scientific journal. Then well win the Nobel prize get righ and go on talk shows. What about babes? When do we get those? |
| 10/05/88 | Well. Heres the complete skeleton as near as I can figure out. Try to draw the dinosaur as it really looked with muscles and skin. Whats it doing? Whistling? You tell me. Maybe its puckering up. |
| 11/05/88 | See the dinosaur skeleton we discovered and assembled? Im going to call the natural history museum and tell them they can have it for ten billion dollars. Those are ... um ... peculiar bones. Do you think I should ask for more money? Thats not QUITE what I meant. |
| 12/05/88 | Mom says she doesnt think weve found a skeleton at all. She says we just dug up some trash somebody littered. Our dinosaur is a fraud. I guess it wouldnt be right to sell it to a museum then. Not at full price anyway. |
| 13/05/88 | Psst ... Susie! Can I copy your paper? NO. CALVIN! |
| 14/05/88 | AAAUGHH! I SKINNED MY KNEE! OOH! OW! AAUGHHH! OW! OW! |
| 15/05/88 | This is Calvin your captain speaking ... just to reassure you that yes there is someone up front. Calvin pilots the jet airliner across the country at 35000 feet. He is given clearance to land. But what is this? A plane from a rival airplane is making for the same runway to shave precious minutes off its schedule! Its a 600 mph game of chicken! Calvin pulls back on the throttle and lurches ahead! The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off with a sudden drop in altitude! Calvin switches on the fasten seat belt light in the cabin and does a barrel roll. At 5Gs Calvin hopes not to black out! As they close in on the runway the other pilot has no choice but to pull up and circle around again! Calvin wins! Hey Mom is it true I could get a pilots license at age 14? NO. |
| 16/05/88 | HOBBES! Youve got to help me! Im in big trouble! Whats the matter? You know how Dad said I could use his binoculars as longs as I was extra careful with them? Well I just broke them by accident! Now I need some advice. Should I run away or commit hara-kiri? Over the binoculars? Yeah. Maybe both. |
| 17/05/88 | Geez I cant believe I broke Dads binoculars! Hell blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very very careful with them and what do I do? I go and break them. Hell flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well I was tossing them at myself at the time as I ran down the sidewalk. |
| 18/05/88 | How much money do you have hobbes? Maybe we can buy Dad a new pair of binoculars before he gets home. Ive got thrity ... no thirty-five cents. Great. Ive got four dollars. Lets call the store. Hello? Id like to know how much a good pair of binoculars costs. ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DADS GOING TO DO TO ME?!? He wont stop at killing you thats for sure. Uh UH. |
| 19/05/88 | I had no IDEA binoculars were so expensive! Were doomed! Were doomed! We? Why in the world did Dad let me use anything so valuable?! He shouldve KNOWN Id break them! He mustive been out of his mind! This is all HIS fault! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I suppose you COULD just tell him what happened ... ... and make my getaway when the coronary hits? Say THATs an idea! |
| 20/05/88 | Maybe we could GLUE Dads binoculars back together and he wouldnt even notice! You think? It depends. Was the casing just chipped a little or did the lens itself get cracked? Well maybe youd better look at it. Dont sneeze. |
| 21/05/88 | Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? Youve got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me. |
| 22/05/88 | I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didnt touch all the bases! I did too. No you didnt. You didnt touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. Thats not seventh base. Thats twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didnt touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? Whats the secret base?! I cant tell you. Its a secret. I cant believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Youre out. Give me a dollar. |
| 23/05/88 | Look at Dad calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His Dad radar is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING he just doesnt know WHAT. He cant nail me until he knows for sure. Hell just wait. I know him. Hes going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later Ill crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! IM SORRY! I DIDNT MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ... |
| 24/05/88 | YOU BROKE THE BINOCULARS?! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO BE EXTRA EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THEM?? ISNT THAT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID?! WELL?! THOSE BINOCULARS WERE BRAND NEW! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLES PROPERTY?!? I have an idea Dad. Lets pretend I already feel terrible about it and that you dontneed to rub it in any more. |
| 25/05/88 | I didnt MEAN to break your binoculars Dad. It was an accident. (sniff) Im really sorry. I felt like I was going to barf all afternoon. Well Im sorry I yelled at you like I did. I shouldnt have been so angry. After all it was just a pair of binoculars. In the big scheme of things thats really not so bad. (sniff) Really? Sure ... in another ten years youll probably be wrecking my CAR. |
| 26/05/88 | Hobbes look! Dad got me my own pair of little binoculars! Wow these are yours? Arent they great? Ill say. Dad said as long as I was going to break binoculars I ought to at least break my own. Now we can go to the beach and look at babes! Maybe I should break Dads power tools and see if I could get some of THOSE. |
| 27/05/88 | Wind wind wind RUMBLE RUMBLE POW! Either Im greatly deceived or someone opened a can of tuna in this vicinity. Yes ... all over this vicinity. |
| 28/05/88 | What a clear night! Look at all the stars. Millions of them! Yes were just tiny specks on a planet particle hurling through the infinite blackness. Lets go in and turn on all the lights. |
| 29/05/88 | Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! Youre making me sick! |
| 30/05/88 | Dont move! Theres a bee on your back! There is? Showw it away! Quick! And have it come after ME? No thanks. Well what am I supposed to do? Stand like this all day? I guess you dont have much choice. Do you? Great. Just great. I could be here forever! Say that gives me an idea. Dont you go reading my comic books! Stay out of my room! |
| 31/05/88 | That rotten Hobbes! I cant move because Ive got a bee on my back so he goes to read all my comic books. He always gets them out of order and he folds the covers back! Ooh if I could only move! What kind of a friend would take advantage of a predicament like this? A lousy friend thats what kind! What a stinker he is! Hey did you see how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended? Dont tell me! Dont tell me! |
| 01/06/88 | Hobbes if you tell me how my comic book ends Ill kill you. Ive waited all month to find out. Ill give you a hint OK? Captain Napalm takes his nuclear ... NO HINTS! NO HINTS! By golly you hairball if I didnt have a bee on my back right now Id ... Maybe theres a bee and maybe there isnt. ILL never tell. WHAT?! Is the bee gone? Can I move? Tell me! Is it still there?? Huh? Rrggh! Is it?! |
| 02/06/88 | Is the bee still on me or not? Im not telling. You called me a hairball. OK OK Im sorry. Youre not a hairball. Now is the bee there or not? No. Good. Now I ... OWW!! I meant No there IS a bee. Today is opposite day! Dont forget ... at midnight opposite day is over OK? Yes. |
| 03/06/88 | Im not having dinner tonight. Oh no? Nope. Im just going to eat cookies in front of the TV. You young man are going to sit at the table and eat what Ive fixed just like the rest of us. Oh yeah thats what I meant. |
| 04/06/88 | Hello Im wondering if you sell kegs of dynamite. You dont? How about plastic explosives? Youre kidding. Well what about land mines? Do you sell those? ... You dont? Look Im trying to send a girl I know into deep space. Perhaps you could suggest something. |
| 05/06/88 | FWOOSH As if life isnt short enough. |
| 06/06/88 | You know what we need Hobbes? We need an attitude. An attitude? Yeah. You cant be cool if you dont have an attitude. Really? Sure. Theyre all the rage. Now what kind of attitude could WE have? We could be courteously deferential. Oh good. Thats REAL cool. |
| 07/06/88 | Ive decided to be a fatalist. All events are preordained and unalterable. Whatever will be will be. That way if anything bad happens its not my fault. Its fate. TRIP WAUGH! Too bad you were fated to do that. THAT WASNT FATE! |
| 08/06/88 | Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way theyre going. Thats what I thought. I guess that means its up to US then. Somehow Im not reassured. Ha! When Im president Ill have things whipped into shape in no time. |
| 09/06/88 | Either weve got to get a catcher or youve got to improve your pitching. |
| 10/06/88 | Gosh it sure looks like rain. Rain? What are you talking about? There isnt a cloud in the sky! You dont think it looks like rain? No. Go away and stop being silly. |
| 11/06/88 | OK out of the hammock. What do you mean? This isnt YOUR hammock. Its MY turn. I was here first. Its your turn when Im done. If you wont get out then Im coming in with you. Lick heck you are! This crummy hammock always sags. |
| 12/06/88 | Do you see any snapping turtles eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far our expedition is a failure. Hows the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part though. As soon as it touches the water it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before youre ready. Why dont you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! Its better to go in a wee bit at a time. No its better to do it all at once. Its worse to drag it out. You mustve been dropped when you were little. Ill show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WELL NEVER NOW NOW WILL WE?!? |
| 13/06/88 | Hey look! Mom and Dad are throwing duffel bags in the car. Theyre going on vacation! At last! Finally we get the house to ourselves! We can stay up late and watch TV! We can eat cookies for dinner! We ... What are you doing up here still? Cmon lets go. Me? Go? Where? On vacation! What have we been planning all month? With you and Mom?? What kind of vacation is THAT?! |
| 14/06/88 | So where are we going? I sure hope were not camping again this year? Well we are. Oh no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat is NOT my idea of a good time! Thats why we brought bug spray. Look just let me out here OK? Ill hitch home and see you when you get back all right? |
| 15/06/88 | Remember last year when it rained all week? It poured so hard we couldnt even make a fire. Without question that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes but it built character. Oh sure. Why cant I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere? |
| 16/06/88 | Well here we are! Home away from home! OK Calvin. You get out with your Mom and Ill hand our gear to you. Now dont drop this. Its very ... oops. Dont worry Dad. Its only about ten feet deep. I can see that camera and everything. Im going to feed you to the sea gulls kid. Dear you came here to relax. |
| 17/06/88 | Gosh this waters cold! Here thats all I could find down there. Go get me a towel Calvin. It never fails. The one bag the kid dumps in the drink has all the fragile and perishable items in it. Well the week can only improve from here. One would like to THINK so. Hey Dad did you mean to stack the tackle box and all this on your glasses? |
| 18/06/88 | Boy dont go near Dad. What a grouch! I dont see why he cant be civil just because I accidentally dropped a duffel bag overboard and he broke his glasses. Are you going to tell him he left the car lights on back where we got the canoe? I think YOU should tell him. |
| 19/06/88 | Whats the score? Ten billion to one my favor. ITS NOT! Then keep track yourself. WHAP! Ha! It went straight up! Easy out! Easy out! Youre not even going to run eh? I dont blame you. Youre as good as out. Bink! YOU CANT DO THAT! Thats two hits in one pitch! This run counts double! |
| 20/06/88 | Hey Mom Dad and I are going fishing. Dont you want to come along? Uggh no. The last thing I want to see at this ungodly hour is a bunch of slimy fish gasping and flopping in the slop at the bottom of a boat. All ID like to see is a decent newspaper a fresh muffin and a pot of real coffee. Whyd we ever come HERE then? Go ask Conan the Barbarian. Cmon Calvin. Ill teach you to put a work on a hook. |
| 21/06/88 | Ahhh what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands no phones no pressure! The whole day is ones own! Isnt this great? Isnt this the life? Spaceman Spiff a prisoner on the Zong slave galley plans his daring overboard escape! Ahh what a day! |
| 22/06/88 | Gosh I could look at the stars all night. Without the streetlights or pollution here it seems like you can see forever into space. SNAP CRUNCH Of course if youve seen one star youve seen them all. True true. Shall we mosey on the back to the tent? |
| 23/06/88 | Look Mom the water is up to my knees. See? See? Look Mom! The waters up to my knees. See? Look where the water is! Now look! The water is HIGHER than my knees! See? Look Mom! See? Im enthralled Calvin. YOURE NOT EVEN LOOKING! |
| 24/06/88 | Watcha doin Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. Whats that thing? A brontosaurus with rabies? Its that island over there. Oh. How far can you see without your glasses? Can you see ME? When I look up Id better not be able to. |
| 25/06/88 | Hi Mom! Mm. Dads painting a picture but its not coming out so hot and hes in a really stinky mood. Its like I asked him one little question and he nearly bit my head off! I mean its not as if I ruined his lousy picture right? Why should ... CALVIN CANT YOU SEE IM TRYING TO READ? Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when theyre recreating? |
| 26/06/88 | Si-i-i-i-ix ... fi-i-i-i-ive ... four-r-r-r ... threetwoone TAG! Youre it! THATS NOT FAIR! TAG! I GOTCHA! OK now Im it and I have to catch YOU. But what about a penalty? Dont you go to jail and do pushups first? No Im just it. There arent any penalties. None?? Dont I even get free hits? Free hits?! NO you dont get free hits! Just like on the arm? I think you should have to get hit on the arm. I dont have to get hit at ALL! Well what about an Indian burn then? Or noogies? Can I give you noogies? NO! IM JUST IT! THATS ALL THAT HAPPENS! OK OK! Thats all that happens. Sheesh. If you ask ME though any game without push-ups hits or noogies is a sissy game. |
| 27/06/88 | Theres nothing to DO here. Thats sort of the point dont you think? Its good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without DOING things. Youre certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when youre looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up. |
| 28/06/88 | Mom can Hobbes come in swimming with me? I dont think hed better Calvin. WHY NOT? Um ... tigers dont swim very well. They dont? Frankly Im not sure your Mom knows so much about tigers. Look we just want to avoid an argument right? |
| 29/06/88 | OK Calvin start packing up. Were going home. Now now. These little outings are valuable experience. Yeah? How? They give us a chance to be together as a family and learn about ourselves. Like how we cant stand being in such close proximity with one another this long? Exactly. |
| 30/06/88 | Z. Look at you. All you do is lie in the sun. I have to. How come? Tigers tummies are solar cells. Year right. |
| 01/07/88 | Are you hot? Not really why? It seems warm to me. Arent you a LITTLE hot? Nope. Not even a wee bit? Just a smidgen? What have you got behind your back? |
| 02/07/88 | SUSIE QUICK! GET HELP! Somebody filled my sandbox with quicksand! Im sinking fast! Ack! Rrghh! Oh right. Give me a break. Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasnt so darn cynical. |
| 03/07/88 | Spaceman Spiff explores the outermost reaches of the universe. By popular request. Intrepid explorer Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. What strange wonders will he discover here? Spiff sets out in search of sentient life! What a strange planet this is! Its surface is surpisingly soft and porous. And here curious geysers blast hot air! Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planets surface at all! Hes walking on a reclining alien!! Our hero sets his death ray blaster. Zz.. mmf hm? |
| 04/07/88 | This probably just goes to show something but I sure dont know what. |
| 05/07/88 | Theres quite a breeze up here. Im really moving. Theres the river and the town triangle. HEY DOWN THERE! My name is Calvin! Tell my tiger Hobbes Im blowing away on a balloon! CAN ANYONE HERE ME? TELL HOBBES HE CANT READ MY COMIC BOOKS JUST CAUSE IM NOT AROUND OK? ... OH YEAH TELL MY PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED TOO ALL RIGHT? HELLO? HELLO? |
| 06/07/88 | Uh oh Im heading into a flock of ducks. Excuse me! Coming through! Pardon me! Gangway! Beep beep! ... Boy if looks could kill. |
| 07/07/88 | My hands are getting tired. Ill tie the balloon string onto my belt loop. There ... WHOOP SHOOF If a plane comes along now Im going to die. |
| 08/07/88 | Well I suppose things dont get worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile above some unrecognized state. Of course my grip could weaken or I could get sucked into a jet intake. Thats one of the remarkable things about life. Its never so bad that it cant get worse. |
| 09/07/88 | Boy Im just going higher and higher. I suppose eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it and the balloon will ... POP! |
| 10/07/88 | Heres Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasnt been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonights story isnt as boring as LAST nights was. It put me right to sleep. Dont worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? Its called The disembodied hand that strangled people. Gosh this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know whats REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day nobody knows where the hand is. In fact the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! ITS G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I shouldve thought of that years ago. |
| 11/07/88 | This has got to be a dream. Whenever you fall two miles up in the sky you look down gasp and suddenly wake up. GASP GASP GASP GASP GASP |
| 12/07/88 | I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. Thats the problem with being six years old ... my life wont take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball. |
| 13/07/88 | Say I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble and ... Nope. No gum. Lets try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy these things come in handy all the time. |
| 14/07/88 | I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! Ill just point it at myself and transmogrify! Im safe! ZAP |
| 15/07/88 | Where have you been?? Ive been calling and calling. Youre dinners cold Im sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped but fortunately I had my transmogrifier so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course If Id known we were having THIS I wouldnt have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense. |
| 16/07/88 | Calvin Id like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK Ill pay you a dollar. A dollar? I wont do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute youll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... Ill take the dollar. Smart kid. |
| 17/07/88 | I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third right? Nope theyre both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! Youve got two outs. Well my ghost on first just stole home so Ive got another run! Ha ha smarty! Yeah well all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. Theyre out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts dont play I dont play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. Theyre boo-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids. |
| 18/07/88 | Lets go Calvin! Were all ready! Boy I havent been to the zoo in ages. And Calvins never been there. This will be fun. Ive been telling him about it all week. Hes so excited. CMON CALVIN! So WHERE do we have to go now? Beats ME. Mom and Dad are always dragging us to SOME dumb place. |
| 19/07/88 | How come alligators are in this big pit? So they dont get out and eat people. Does the zoo ever throw anyone in? Dont be silly. Of course not. How soon until we got hom? |
| 20/07/88 | Look! Monkeys! See how they use their tails and feet to climb? Zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Hey look what THAT monkeys doing! Right in public too! Ha ha! Thats gross! How come IM not allowed to do that?! Come look at the birds over here Calvin. |
| 21/07/88 | What do you think of the zoo? I think its kind of depressing. I always feel sorry for the animals. They dont have much room to move or anything to do. They just sleep until theyre fed. Thats pretty much all YOU do. You know what I mean. |
| 22/07/88 | Hey those kids are feeding the animals! Mom can I get some peanuts to feed the animals? Im not your Mom. WHOOP Are you lost? What does your Mom look like? From the knees down she looks just like you. |
| 23/07/88 | Gosh I followed that lady halfway around the zoo thinking she was my Mom. Why dont Moms write their names on their calves so this kind of thing wouldnt happen? I wonder where I am. And wheres Hobbes? I thought he was right with me. Uh oh. Wheres Calvin? Why do these little family trips always turn out this way? Im going to spend more Saturdays at the office. |
| 24/07/88 | Rustle rustle zing! WHAM! We tigers just LIVE for that! Not for long you wont! |
| 25/07/88 | Heres Hobbes but wheres Calvin? I dont see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didnt he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back and Ill go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time. |
| 26/07/88 | Sheesh. Calvin could be anywhere in this zoo. I hope he at least has the sense to stay put wherever he is. Where would the little rotter go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy? HIS NAME IS HOBBES AND HES ... HEY IM TALKING TO YOU!! TIGERS Panthera Tigris |
| 27/07/88 | I know! Maybe Calvint at the tiger pit since he likes tigers so much. Ha ha maybe Calvins IN the tiger pit since he likes tigers so much. |
| 28/07/88 | You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady thinking it was Mom and then when I realized I was lost I went to ask the tigers if theyd seen Hobbes. Next time you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time there wont BE a next time because were just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were I might add. |
| 29/07/88 | Do you know what day it is? Nope. Why? Oh no reason. I was just curious. I sure like summer vacation. |
| 30/07/88 | So you want some water huh? Well Ive got a big can of it here. Its up to ME to decide whether you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very LIVES are in my hands. Without ME youre as good as dead! Without ME you dont ... |
| 31/07/88 | Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well I was just standing there minding my own business when all of a sudden a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHATD YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDNT DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK OK! IM GOING! YOU DONT NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN IM NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT GOODBYE! Hey Dad catch the water balloon! Great reflexes Dad. By the way dont go in the house like that. Moms in one of her moods again. Ill bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends. |
| 01/08/88 | Mom? What Calvin? You know the living room couch? What about it? Dont you think its too wide? I was just ASKING! |
| 02/08/88 | Wind wind RUMBLE Oh no! POW! IT WASNT TUNA! IT WAS PINEAPPLE! SEE?! All cans sound the same. |
| 03/08/88 | The problem with having a tiger for a friend is that he always appears out of nowhere coming at you at 90 miles an hour! AAH! *Whew* I thought I heard him. ... Gosh my heart is still pounding. Where IS he?? Oh THERES Hobbes. Thank goodness. You havent been looking well Calvin. Maybe you should go to bed earlier. |
| 04/08/88 | Boy what a beautiful summer morning huh Dad? Too bad you cant stay home to enjoy it. When youre old youll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these but of course thats far off and in the meantime theres lots of work to be done. Yep youd better go to work have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe youll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly Id hate to have a kid like me. |
| 05/08/88 | What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. Youd do THAT? No Id do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity. |
| 06/08/88 | BIP WHEEEE. |
| 07/08/88 | The race will finish at that trr OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! Thats our best time yet for the 50-yard dash! |
| 08/08/88 | What are you doing with all your Dads tools in the bathroom? This faucet drips so Im going to fix it. YOURE going to fix it? Thats what I said. ... And you can keep your comments to yourself Dr Doom. I didnt say anything. |
| 09/08/88 | Fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart see whats leaking plug it up and put it back together. Does your Mom know youre doing this? Nope. Its going to be a surprise. And we all know how she loves surprises. I cant get this handle off. Pass me the hacksaw will you? |
| 10/08/88 | Arent you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? Thats the problem Im trying to fix you moron! I cant turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! Ill get you some paper and carbons for your written apology. |
| 11/08/88 | Hobbes quick! How do you turn off the water?!? How should I know?? I cant put this piece back in with all this water coming out! Ill get your Mom! MY MOM? Have you lost your mind? She cant find out about this! Ill bet she notices when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Open the medicine cabinet! Find some cyanide! |
| 12/08/88 | La da dee dee da I think Ill get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothings wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Lets see how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn. |
| 13/08/88 | Calvin what are you doing? Im ... uh ... going to the bathroom. Is everything all right? Fine! Dont come up! FLUSH |
| 14/08/88 | Dinosaurs everywhere flee for their lives! Calvin is coming. The late cretaceous: the last epoch of the mighty dinosaurs. King of the thunder lizards is the fearsome Calvin the tyrannosaurus! Seven tons of muscle and teeth he searches for his prey! Calvin for goodness sake stop stomping around! Youre driving me crazy! OW! CHOMP! How did the fearsome tyrannosaurus become extinct? Now we know! |
| 15/08/88 | Whats all that water I hear? Im coming in! Oh my gosh! ACKPBT! WHATS GOING ON?!? SPLUTB! BPLPTH! There! I got the water off. ALL RIGHT CALVIN WHERE ARE YOU?! H-hi Dad. Its the end of the world Calvin. |
| 16/08/88 | Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him but he wouldnt listen and sure enough he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens Dad! Big evil bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it and made me swear not to tell! |
| 17/08/88 | Boy Dad sure blew his stack THAT time didnt he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM youd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dads got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does I sure wish youd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh now YOURE going to start on me TOO huh? |
| 18/08/88 | WAP Is this yours? No. What is it? For a girl shes remarkably perceptive. |
| 19/08/88 | No text. |
| 20/08/88 | Give me some cookies or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heavent sake dont waste food Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog or did your Mom take it? |
| 21/08/88 | I brought a scary story out so were all set. Whats it called? The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you. Gosh this is the creepiest story Ive ever heard! Dont stop. Keep reading. Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight it ... What was that noise? Oh stop it. This is scary enough. No really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! Its the bog monster! Oh no!! Oh no!! Quick turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK Its coming this way! Were doomed! Its getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh my gosh its... its opening the tent flap! Its coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run Hobbes RUN! What are you doing in here?! Wheres your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster mustve got him! WHERES THAT KID?! |
| 22/08/88 | Everything floats randomly in the romm! Theres no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. Cmon you! Outside! Youre really bouncing off the walls today. Aw Mom! |
| 23/08/88 | Extra pants... Three shirts two seaters two sweatshirts... Another pair of pants... Still trying to learn to ride that bicycle eh? I dont need any comments from you. |
| 24/08/88 | A shadow falls over the large city skyscrapers! Its a gigantic ant! With one footstep it pulverizes the entire downtown! Millions die instantly! The ant brushes the city off the map! People flood the streets in panic only to be smashed in the horrible wreckage! Well... maybe I wont... |
| 25/08/88 | What are you doing Susie? Drawing on the sidewalk. Wow! Can I too? Sure. Heres some chalk. Gosh Ive never been a vandal before! This isnt vandalism. It washes right off! |
| 26/08/88 | OK I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See here it comes. Boy thats a good one! Why cant my school portraits ever look like this? |
| 27/08/88 | Dont come in here! Why not? Im roasting. Youll get hair in the water. Go do something else. HEY! Stop that! HEY! HEY! You think youve won huh? Well Im not even going to TELL you what I did. ACKPTH! |
| 28/08/88 | Well summer is almost over it sure went quick didnt it? Yep. Theres never enough time to do all the nothing you want. |
| 29/08/88 | TRIP BAP WHACK BAP |
| 30/08/88 | Im hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isnt until tomorrow. My tummys growling. Hush. Most people dont sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise. |
| 31/08/88 | Oh no! Theres a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store! The dinosaur heads for the meat department and devours the butcher! Shoppers everywhere flee for their lives! Its mayhem destruction and carnage in the aisles! Oh no! Calvin cant I take you ANYWHERE?! Now the tyrannosaurus wants cookies! |
| 01/09/88 | Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices until his orbit takes him directly between the sun and earth. Calvin causes a total solar eclipse! Earch is shrouded in darknes. How long will Calvin stay there? Could you move please? Youre in my light. HA HA HAAA! |
| 02/09/88 | Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You cant be elected Dad without a MOM right? Are you going to keep the Mom Ive had or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime Calvin. Of course Ill stick with your Mom. Aww. |
| 03/09/88 | I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of chocolate frosted sugar bombs and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse Im so overstimulated I cant sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness. |
| 04/09/88 | Can I have a different plate Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet OK Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh knock it off Calvin its hamburger casserole. Theres not a thing in there you dont like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasnt so bad for some reason. I was able to choke it down anyway. My stomach is still cramping up but the pains arent as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it I can stand it. Good Im glad this is such a hit. |
| 05/09/88 | All right all right! Im GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look Im going! Im going! Sure you think schools great NOW. But in a couple of hourse youll MISS me! Youll see! |
| 06/09/88 | There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well hell have fun once he gets there. See hes even running now. Hes all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE! |
| 07/09/88 | I cant believe Im here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh I couldnt WAIT for today! Soon well be making new friends learning all sorts of important things and... Whats the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches. |
| 08/09/88 | I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... Its going to be a long year. |
| 09/09/88 | Hey Calvin youre on my swing. Get lost. Im not scared of you Moe. Oh no? Nope. Youre so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrows smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet. |
| 10/09/88 | Yes Calvin? May I be excused please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go. |
| 11/09/88 | So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Lets go!! Shed never have found me if I hadnt sneezed. Ill give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Lets see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if its me in the tub. OK its a deal. In fact for another 25 cents Ill take your Wednesday batch too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum Im washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now Im washing my face! OK you can come out now. Thats long enough. Boy that was easy. A few weeks of this and Ill be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. Im not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! Youre filty. Didnt you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. Its as good as spent. |
| 12/09/88 | Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain toxic wastes holes in the ozone sewage in the oceans and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over. |
| 13/09/88 | Youre packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush Hobbes were outta here. Its an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! Im LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know sometimes youre a real load to have around. I was just ASKING! |
| 14/09/88 | How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earths pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK its settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. Ill go get the wagon. Were going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadnt thought about that part. Obviously. |
| 15/09/88 | So long Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce Ill write to you once in a while and ... Calvin dont stand there with the door open. Youre letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didnt seem to choked up about us going did she? We shouldve left a long time ago. |
| 16/09/88 | BLAST OFF! Do you really think well get enough lift to break Earths gravity? Of course! You think I didnt plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what youll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didnt you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME... |
| 17/09/88 | We did it! We cleared Earths orbit! Mars here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didnt bring the map?! |
| 18/09/88 | Call it. Tails. OK best two out of three. OOOMPH Lets change this to TOUCH football OK? |
| 19/09/88 | Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely were all part of some great design no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose a reason for being. Doesnt it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what its like to walk home. |
| 20/09/88 | Hang on! Were coming in through Mars atmosphere. BONK BONK Weve landed! Were the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still cant believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didnt want to turn around. |
| 21/09/88 | See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey look! Its the old Viking spacecraft that landed here in the 70s. Gosh I wonder if its still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! Ive always wanted to do something like that. |
| 22/09/88 | Well this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like were all set. Whats this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet. |
| 23/09/88 | Yep Mars may be a little dull but its better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH Weve got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Thats not your candy bar wrapper over there is it? It was just there a minute! I wasnt going to leave it. |
| 24/09/88 | I dont know about you but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. Its very peaceful. Not only that but we dont have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime no baths no disgusting dinners no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!! |
| 25/09/88 | You know what would make this house a lot better? No what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. Ill file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! Thats me. (Oof) the human slinky. |
| 26/09/88 | Oh my gosh that rock moved! Theres something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! Its probably some creepy tentacled bug-eyed monster! Youre right! Theres a tentacle now! Its coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH |
| 27/09/88 | Is the Martian still out there? Ill take a peek. I dont see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think hes scared of us? Why not? WERE scared of HIM. Yeah but WERE just ordinary earthlings not weirdos from another planet like HE is. |
| 28/09/88 | Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians dont like Earthlings. Dont like us?! Whats not to like?? Theres nothing wrong with humans! Hey you Martian! Come on out! Were not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasnt house-trained? |
| 29/09/88 | I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other peoples planets. After all theres only one Earth and its got to last us a while. We also should go home because were clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didnt rent out my room. |
| 30/09/88 | Theres Earth. Were almost home. Look you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas we live in a big purple country. And our house is by the giant letter E in the word States. |
| 01/10/88 | Hi Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted but we discovered that Mars is inhabited so we came back home. You didnt like the Martians? No they didnt like US. I think they were afraid wed junk up Mars the way weve junked up Earth. Whats my good briefcase doing out and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it Dad? We go clear to Mars and dumb ol Hobbes forgets the camera! |
| 02/10/88 | Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dads camera! Once there he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck Calvins Dad will have the film developed soon and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I dont remember taking these. Whos that little speck in the distance all the time? You havent been fooling with my camera have you? ME? Heck no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed. |
| 03/10/88 | For show and tell I have brought a space alien I captured in my back yard. Yes for the last two days Ive been keeping it in this special zarnium-coated bag and feeding it pure ammonia! And now the moment youve all been waiting for! AARGH Howd it work? My teacher says Mom and Dad both have to sign my report cards this year. |
| 04/10/88 | SCOOTCH SCOOTCH GREETINGS. I AM X-387 ROBOT PROBE SENT FROM JUPITER. Mm hmm. MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS. No youll spoil your appetite. MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE. Go back to Jupiter X-3 whatever. |
| 05/10/88 | You know when you think about it our lives are pretty nice. A lot of kids dont have as good of a home life as we do. We really cant complain. ... which isnt to say we should go home yet. When do you think theyll see the car windshield? |
| 06/10/88 | Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch. No! Go sit by someone else OK? You always say your lunch is something revolting and I dont want to hear it! Gee whiz whats wrong with you? My lunch is peanut butter. Whats so disgusting about that?! Hmph. Im glad that one day out of the year you can be civil. Its my DESSERT thats gross! Look a thermos full of phlegm! |
| 07/10/88 | Calvin will you run and get my purse please? I need the calculator. Sure. Here you are. Thanks. Ahem. IM NOT GOING TO TIP YOU!! Huh! See if I ever fetch anything again. |
| 08/10/88 | Election day is coming up Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes expanded TV privileges shorter school weeks and less discipline. Im against them all. Hows your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed. |
| 09/10/88 | My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck theyd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I dont see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think its more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but Id still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well THAT goes without saying. |
| 10/10/88 | MOMMMM Whats the matter Calvin? I dont feel good. What hurts? My stomach. I want Mom. ME? Whats wrong with YOU for crying out loud?!? You can ask him. Now let me get back under the covers. |
| 11/10/88 | Sheesh its two in the morning. Why do kids always have to feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If hes going to get me up at this hour hed better REALLY be sick. BARRRFF I DIDNT MEAN IT! Honey pipe down. Im trying to sleep. |
| 12/10/88 | Its been 20 minutes since youve been sick so lets take your temparature. Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin. Whatd you say honey? IG GOMFA FOME UBHIGGIN. AACK! WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SO? Give me the thermometer! Run! Run! |
| 13/10/88 | I think the worst of this is over so just try to get some sleep. Im going back to bed but give me a call if you feel sick again OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way! |
| 14/10/88 | Its scary being sick... especially at night. What if something is REALLY wrong with me and I have to go to the hospital?? What if they stick me full of tubes and hoses? What if they have to operate? What if the operation fails? What if this is my... my... last night... ALIVE?? Then I can look forward to having the bed to myself tomorrow. Few things are less comforting than a tiger whos up too late. |
| 15/10/88 | Feel any better this morning Calvin? No. I guess Id better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. Its Saturday by the way. You wont miss school. I know. |
| 16/10/88 | The valiant Spaceman Spiff energetic inter-galactic explorer comes in over the mountains of a strange planet! Our hero desperately hopes to find a rest area with working facilities. Spaceman Spiff lands on the distant planet Zokk. Climbing down from his spacevraft our hero prepares to explore te surface! Unexpectedy Spiffs first step sends him careening through the sky! Spiff quickly realizes that Planet Zokk has only a fraction of Earths gravity. With practice our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep. |
| 17/10/88 | Well it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him and let me know if he isnt feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Id still rather let his teacher deal with him. |
| 18/10/88 | I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed drink tea and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesnt bring ME tea in bed. |
| 19/10/88 | I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow youre going to school. |
| 20/10/88 | I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that dont really matter? Like the book report youre supposed to be writing now on the book you havent read? Exactly. Case in point. |
| 21/10/88 | Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I dont even want to go? I go to school but I never learn what I want to know. |
| 22/10/88 | I hate school. Each day I count the hours until schools over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school? |
| 23/10/88 | I feel a big sneeze welling up. ... which is always a sure sign that Im not carrying a handkerchief. Ah... Ah... Ah... CHOOOOO!! Mom I sneezed and blew my head off! Pull your shirt down Calvin. Youre not fooling anyone. Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible. |
| 24/10/88 | Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof |
| 25/10/88 | Hey Susie did you have any trouble with our math homework last night? No why? I thought a couple of these were tricky. Can I check my answers with yours? OK. Thanks. What did you get for questions one? Seven. Seven? Good thats what I got. What did you get for question two? DROP DEAD CALVIN. |
| 26/10/88 | Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. Hes carrying a crumb thats bigger than he is and hes RUNNING. And if you put an obstacle in front of him hell scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesnt let anything stop him. I just cant identify with that kind of work ethic. |
| 27/10/88 | Just think Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago the first bacteria appeared. Then came sea life dinosaurs birds mammals and finally a million years ago man. Now in 1988 theres me. ... the acme of evolution. Oh PLEASE. |
| 28/10/88 | Its not quite the same is it? And it probably wont snow for another month at least. |
| 29/10/88 | Z Z GRRR Z GROWLL RRR! Psst! Hey! Wake up! Youre dreaming! Grrrr... And Mom wonders why I never look rested in the morning. |
| 30/10/88 | So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Lets go!! Shed never have found me if I hadnt sneezed. Ill give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Lets see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if its me in the tub |
| 31/10/88 | Look! A buckeye! Isnt it pretty? Look how perfect it is. Im going to keep this one. What will you do with it? Try to dent Susies skull from 50 feet. |
| 01/11/88 | What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside so Im digging a hole to China. If Dads going to be such a grouch I figure Ill just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too if you want. Theres another shovel in the garage. You dont think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh you know Dad. Hell get mad no matter WHERE we dig. |
| 02/11/88 | Look what Mom made me! A super hero outfit. Dont I look cool? Now I can fight crime without anyone knowing my true identity! Yep Im all set now! ... So! Seen any crimes? Why do you care that nobody knows your identity? |
| 03/11/88 | Calvin take off your outfit before you sit at the table OK? Calvin? Whos Calvin? Im Stupendous Man! Stop being silly. And do as I asked you. But Mom I NEED to wear this for dinner! No you dont. Lets go. But Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel! |
| 04/11/88 | Mom said I cant go outside until I finish my homework. If youll help me Ill be faster. Whats five plus seven? I dont know. I dont either. Then write I dont know. Hey thats a true answer isnt it! I can write that for ALL of these! Were done! Wed better have a look at our prodigys homework. |
| 05/11/88 | Want to go play outside? No. Im watching TV. You hate this show. Lets go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me and for all he cared I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So youre going to? It was a hard-won privilege. |
| 06/11/88 | Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvins elementary school! ... sigh... |
| 07/11/88 | Well Dad were right down to the wire and the polls say you wont be Dad here much longer. It seems youre just not likeable enough. Those polled continue to find you a cold fish. If you want some advice I suggest you do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Go to bed. No no! Its WAY too late to learn how to tell jokes. |
| 08/11/88 | Ten... Fifteen... Six... Twenty-two... HIKE! YAAAA AUGH! Another five yeard loss! Weve got to get some other players. |
| 09/11/88 | Boy youre lucky YOU dont have to go to school like I do. You dont know what its like to get up on these cold dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh am I keeping you awake?! Im SORRY! |
| 10/11/88 | Hey! This (mmf) isnt (ooch) how you play the game! You still havent tackled me! |
| 11/11/88 | Off the swing Twinky. Forget it Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said Off. I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people. |
| 12/11/88 | HIKE! Whoops! Heh heh... Im losing the game but winning an ambulatory adulthood. |
| 13/11/88 | RINGGG What a day. KAPOW You think thats funny? Come back here and fight you weasel! What happened to YOU?? Dont ask. Im going upstairs to change. NOT AGAAINN! Wheres Calvin? I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores asking if theyd buy his tiger. |
| 14/11/88 | Hey Susie can I borrow your black crayon? OK but dont break it. And dont peel the paper off and color with all sides of it so it stays pointy. Geez why dont you take out an insurance policy on it? Just dont ruin my crayon. What are you drawing anyway? Black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Give me my crayon back. |
| 15/11/88 | Hey! Whats this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See theres rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didnt put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well hes EATING it now right? Gosh wait til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner! |
| 16/11/88 | Uh oh. HOOP EEP! Ive god the hiccups something terrible Mom. Drink some water. |
| 17/11/88 | BANG! I gotcha! ARGG! GAACKK UGHH! Here. Whats this? Its your death rattle! |
| 18/11/88 | It must be awful to be a girl. Im sure its frustrating knowing that men are bigger stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really if youre a girl what would make you go on living? The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when youre 17. Ha! Not ME! Gross! |
| 19/11/88 | The tyrannosaurus stalks the cretaceous shores. The 5-ton carnovorous lizard can run faster than a charging rhino! What could be more horrifying? STOP THAT CLOMPING AROUND!! ... besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom... |
| 20/11/88 | Ive never liked crayons very much. They just dont have any flavor at all. For an art project Im supposed to draw my pet but since I dont have one Ill draw you. OK! Look ferocious. Hows this? Thats great. Hold still now. Hmm... mm... ARRGH! This isnt coming out good at all! I cant draw tigers! I hate this class! Here let me try. The good things about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. Hey thats pretty good. Put some human heads around him as if he just ate a village. Hows that? Boy this is great! Ill have the best picture in the whole class! I cant wait to show everyone! Wow! Thanks Hobbes! But Im NOT lying! My TIGER drew it! Do you think I could draw something that good MYSELF?? Yes... |
| 21/11/88 | When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then Ill come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment. |
| 22/11/88 | MOMMM IM HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME OK? Whats the matter? It wasnt locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heavens sake! From now on dont call me to come to the door unless its locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy. |
| 23/11/88 | Boy Im in a bad mood today! Everyone had better steer clear of me! I hate EVERYBODY! As far as Im concerned everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum. WELL-L-L? DOESNT ANYONE WANT TO CHEER ME UP?!? |
| 24/11/88 | Get out of my way! Im in a bad mood. Ill bet a pet dog wouldve gotten out of my way. |
| 25/11/88 | Watch out Mom. Im in a bad mood. Be in a bad mood somewhere else OK? Im busy. Hmph! Ill bet my biological mother wouldve bought me a comic booka nd made me feel better instead of shunning me like YOU. Kid anyone BUT your biological mother wouldve left you to the wolves long ago. Yeah right. Really how much did you pay for me? |
| 26/11/88 | Wahts your tail for? My tail? Yeah why do tigers need tails? Gee Im not really sure. I guess just because they look good. So its sort of a necktie for your butt? Lets not be vulgar. Youre just jealous. |
| 27/11/88 | If I was in charge wed never see grass between October and May. On THREE ready? One... two... three! SNOW! I SAID SNOW! CMON! SNOW! SNOW! OK then dont snow! See what I care! I LIKE this weather! Lets have it forever! PLEEAASE snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok eight inches! Thats all! Cmon! Six inches even! How about just six?? IM WAAIITING... RRRRGGHHH DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME AN ATHEIST? |
| 28/11/88 | WHO MADE THIS MESS OUT HERE?! It wasnt ME Mom it was... uh... it was... it was a horrible little venusian who materialized in the kitchen! He took out some diabolical high-frequency device pointed it at various objects and... mothers are the necessity of invention. |
| 29/11/88 | IM HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do step on a land mine? Whens Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about? |
| 30/11/88 | Calvin where are you? Get out here! Come on Calvin Im getting tired of this. I MEAN it Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later shes going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble. |
| 01/12/88 | I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so theyd have to close school. Cmon snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far. |
| 02/12/88 | You think God lets you plea bargain? Id worry more about your Mom. |
| 03/12/88 | Hello? Hi Dad! Its me Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin Im at work! I dont have time to tell you a story now. Im very busy! Get off the phone. Im expecting important calls. OK Dad. Ill just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate never spending much special time with my own Dad whos always working. Right right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1) the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2) and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story. |
| 04/12/88 | Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes its STUPENDOUS MAN champion of liberty defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only STUPENDOUS MAN can save the day! Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis MOM-LADY! Didnt I tell you to go to bed?!? Oh no! Stupendous Mans stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished! This would have been plenty humiliating WITHOUT the goodnight kiss. And take off that silly hood before you smother over in your sleep. |
| 05/12/88 | Spiffs spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO! |
| 06/12/88 | I dont understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? Theres no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending I guess. Sure but sooner or later its going to catch up to him and then where will I be?! |
| 07/12/88 | Dear Santa Hi its me Calvin. This year Ive been extra good so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do. |
| 08/12/88 | Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didnt forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah and I cross-indexed the accessory items hell need to get. I try to help him out. This says Volume One. Atom Bomb through Grenade Launcher. Youre going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning. |
| 09/12/88 | It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal cant get out of his driveway! Get dressed Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. |
| 10/12/88 | A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see! |
| 11/12/88 | Here we are at the top of Dismemberment Gorge. Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on you big sissy. Ive been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near huh? You got it. Ive been wondering though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean really all Im doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good or just PRETTY good? |
| 12/12/88 | Im gonna pound you in gym class shrimp. Get your kicks now you glandular freak because once you grow up you cant go beating people up for no reason. Yeah I guess youre right. That really wasnt what I meant at all. |
| 13/12/88 | What grade did you get? I got an A. Really? Boy Id hate to be you. I got a C. Why on earth would you rather get a C than an A?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyones expectations. |
| 14/12/88 | Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dads going to take your picture. Hold still. I dont WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. Were going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we wont have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR... |
| 15/12/88 | Ready? OK give me a nice smile. Thats good. One... two... three! CLICK My hairs getting messed up Dad! |
| 16/12/88 | I dont have much film left so stop making faces when I take the picture or your names mud. You couldve been done 20 minutes ago if youd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED! |
| 17/12/88 | We cant send these in our Christmas cards. People will think its sacrilegeous. Well these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair. |
| 18/12/88 | Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Nows my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! Youd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! Im not sorry! Oh it was beautiful! Id do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santas gonna skip this block for years. |
| 19/12/88 | Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I dont know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh. |
| 20/12/88 | Im freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire will ya? I have a better idea. Cmere. OK step outside. Why? Whats outside? In a few minutes you can come in and then the house will seem nice and warm. Im telling the newspapers about you Dad! |
| 21/12/88 | Read me Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. Oh I dont want to read that again. Lets read something different tonight. No I want to hear Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. Cmon Calvin Ive read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right all right. Youll do the squeky voices the gooshy sound effects and the happy hamster hop wont you? Look cant we read something else? |
| 22/12/88 | MOMM! MOM! What is it? Whats the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didnt answer. She must not know. Im telling you its true. |
| 23/12/88 | I say its a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. Im smart! I dont need 11 1/2 more years of school! Its a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? Whats your point? Nothing. I was just curious. |
| 24/12/88 | Hows my peanut butter sandwich coming? Youre using chunky peanut butter right? I wont eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Dont put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I dont like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles so be sure to cut it right! Your majestys sandwich. HEY this is a closed-face horizontally cut smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Werent you LISTENING?! |
| 25/12/88 | Im leaving out a sandwich for Santa. Thats nice. What do you think hed like with that? Some milk? I think Santawould rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! Its Christmas! Are you sure? Its still dark out. Its four in the morning! Lets see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! Well let Mom and Dad sleep another hour but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Lets see which ones are for me! Heres one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Heres one for Mom. Heres one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDNT BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well heres a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents dont come in boxes. Ill treasure this one forever. |
| 26/12/88 | Theres nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window that is. |
| 27/12/88 | I cant take bath in this! The waters BOILING! Ill scald myself! What are you trying to do cook me alive?? Well forget it! Im not getting in! By the time you quit fussing complaining yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it the water will be perfect. Boy does she know me. |
| 28/12/88 | Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. Its just school school school. But not today. Today I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if its OK. |
| 29/12/88 | Boy did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I dont even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didnt want to talk about it. |
| 30/12/88 | Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government. |
| 31/12/88 | Disgusting denizen of the deep the giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sigh of an enemy he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway! MISS WORMWOOD! |
| 01/01/89 | Well its a new year. And Id say the first 10 hours havent been up to snuff. Did you make any new year resolutions? You bet! I resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on the worlds gonna know exactly what I think of it! Yes youve certainly been a model of self-restraint and understatement up until now. Well no more. And Ive also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. If I see any Ill tell them. |
| 02/01/89 | Shovel shovel shovel! Why cant we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! Im freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character HE saves a couple of hundred dollars. |
| 03/01/89 | Next time we go down I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah well Im sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Every obstacle?!? We missed the briar patch didnt we?! By going down the gully and into the stream yes. Oh you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad were alive. |
| 04/01/89 | This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush ice dirt debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art. |
| 05/01/89 | What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down or to compromise? I suppose its best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Thats a lot more mature than I think I care to be. |
| 06/01/89 | I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as IM concerned if something is so complicated that you cant explain it in 10 seconds then its probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I cant go thinking about one subject on end. Im a busy man. ...whos been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute. |
| 07/01/89 | Theres something magical about having a fire. The crackles and snaps the warm flickering light... everything always seems safe and cozy if youre sitting in front of a fire. And if youve got a hot tiger tummy to lie against ... WELL! |
| 08/01/89 | Cmon wed better go outside for a while. How come? Moms getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK the main fortress will be a wall five feet high and go from here down over that hill with turrets every 50 feet. Over here well build an inner wall in case we have to retreat and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesnt pack too well does it? Its not wet enough. Gosh itll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. Im cold. Me too. Lets go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall after the moat. Say I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did. |
| 09/01/89 | The bay doors open and out falls Calvin the C-Bomb! Calvin is bound to unleash the pure destructive force of a million A-Bombs! The world gasps in horror as he streaks towards his target! OH NO YOU DONT!! |
| 10/01/89 | Will you read this tonight? An Ode To Tigers? Hobbes wrote it. The zebras stripes are lacking hues So they dont compare to you-know-whose.Orange black and white is what to wear! Its haute couture for those who dare! Its camouflage and stylish too! Yes tigers look the best its true! This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious isnt it? |
| 11/01/89 | IM HO-OME! KAPOW WUMPH! Great. The snow cushioned the blow to my spine so I can now die of pneumonia. Aww has oo got de sniffoos? |
| 12/01/89 | I like these cold gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood. |
| 13/01/89 | You try it and Ill watch. Sissy. |
| 14/01/89 | Look I put a snowball on top of this snowmans head. Now Ill be the next William Tell and Ill hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched! |
| 15/01/89 | Put er down here. You know these things should really come with air bags. Ready? Ready. OFF WE GO-O! Ooh! Yikes! Wow! See? I TOLD you. Help me gather up the sled you sissy. |
| 16/01/89 | The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile. |
| 17/01/89 | The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff captured by vicious zogwards is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planets low gravity our hero is away like a shot. Theres the bus... but why dont I see Calvin? |
| 18/01/89 | Spiff escapes! Did Calvin get on the bus? I didnt see. ... why? Someone just darted behind that tree. See there he goes again. Isnt that Calvin? The zogwargs have spotted him! Our hero inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket and prepares for takeoff! |
| 19/01/89 | Calvin what are you doing? Youre supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! Its your own grave youre digging buster! |
| 20/01/89 | Young man you are in VERY big trouble! Why didnt you get on the school bus?! Now IVE got to drive you and your Dad will be late for work. Youve inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death Zogwarg queen! Dont tempt me! And listen you call me Mom ... got it? |
| 21/01/89 | Hey Calvin how come youre late today? Why didnt you ride the bus? I was going to skip school but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldnt believe it when she cleared the hedge. |
| 22/01/89 | OK lets see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didnt even hear me sneak up. Now Ill cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didnt even notice! Youre the worst shot in the world Calvin! If it wasnt for gravity you probably couldnt even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently? |
| 23/01/89 | Yes can I have the tool department please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard. |
| 24/01/89 | Look at all this homework Im supposed to do! I dont want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever. |
| 25/01/89 | People are rotten. When I grow up Im going to live a million miles away from everyone! How will you survive? What will you eat? ... Well Mom could come by twice a day to cook I suppose. That would be quite a commute. |
| 26/01/89 | Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. Im supposed to write about an adventure I had! I havent had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didnt even get on the the highway. |
| 27/01/89 | When do you think well get a thunder and lightning storm? I dont kow. Probably not until spring. I think hes going to melt before we can bring him to life. |
| 28/01/89 | Hey Susie stand on this X. Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? Cmon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought. |
| 29/01/89 | The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesnt WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still wont talk eh Earthling? Our heros mind races furiously! Hes had his chance! Lets make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning hell have cold manicotti for breakfast! |
| 30/01/89 | Wow youve made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. Theyre efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out Ill watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until theyre nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasnt aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small so theyll go faster. |
| 31/01/89 | Im writing a book about my life. Its called Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation. Interesting title. Thanks. Specifically what exploits are you referring to? Thats the problem. Can you help me think of some I could do? |
| 01/02/89 | Hi Susie. Go away Calvin! Sit somewhere else! I dont want to know what revolting thing you have for lunch today. Relax Susie. Im not going to tell you what I have. Youd better not. I mean it. All Ill say is that I sure feel sorry for my tapeworm. MISS WORMWOOD! Hey! Did I SAY what my lunch is?! Did I?!? |
| 02/02/89 | Whats this? A crash test dummy. Now I can see if the hill is safe to go down. Off you go! Ooh I think Im going to be sick. Well I wouldnt have steered like THAT! He deserved it! |
| 03/02/89 | Oh no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvins organs are in danger of collapsing! He... hes about to implode! Weve got to get out of here! Theres too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We cant eat at fast food places all the time. |
| 04/02/89 | These television programs sure are rotten. There isnt an ounce of imagination in the whole bunch. What bilge. Who do they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash? You. If there was anything BETTER on Id watch THAT. |
| 05/02/89 | No text. |
| 06/02/89 | Youre taking a shower NOW? That means were going out tonight right? And you havent told ME to get cleaned up so that means Im staying home right? And if Im staying home that means youve gotten me a babysitter right? And that means youve probably hired ROSALYN again right?!? Brilliant Holmes. AAAHHHHHH! |
| 07/02/89 | Quick Hobbes! Weve got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means were in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV no horsing around NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesnt even kiss us good nigh. Eww gross. You WANT her to?!? |
| 08/02/89 | Where are you going tonight? Why cant Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? Were going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! Wed be good! Really! Why wont you let us come? Why dont you want us around? Is the movie dirty? Whats the problem?! Gosh a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine? |
| 09/02/89 | Hi Rosalyn come on in. Calvins hiding upstairs from you so you may have an easy evening. That would be great. Ive got to study tonight for a big test tomorrow. Did you hear THAT? Did you hear THAT? Hee hee! Tonight: the revenge of the baby sat! |
| 10/02/89 | Hi Rosalyn! How are you? What are you going? Homework? Right. Ive got to study for an exam tomorrow so I want it quiet tonight. Got it? Oh you bet Roz. Hobbes and I wont make a peep. Can I see what youre studying? Dont touch anyth... I GOT HER NOTES! I GOT HER NOTES! RUN HOBBES RUN!! CALVIN! |
| 11/02/89 | GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES YOU LITTLE CREEP! Run! Run! What are we going to do? Shell kill us! Into the bathroom! Lock the door! Quick! CALVIN! Open this door or your parents will never find your remains! Boy some baby sitter! Here go your notes! |
| 12/02/89 | Hold still. Now boost! Lift! Cmon! Mph! Get your hand out of my eye! OK forward! On the way back youre carrying ME. Hey I got some mail. Its a valentine card. From Susie Derkins! It says Please be my valentine. Youre Susies valentine! Im not her valentine just because I got this in the mail am I? Does the post-master general know about this? Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee! I dont have to KISS her do I?! Is that what valentines do??! Oh gross! First comes Lo-ove Then comes marriage Then comes a baby in a baby carriage! This cant be happening! I need a lawyer! She cant make me be her valentine! Here she comes! Here comes Susie! Hi Calvin. Get away from me! Im not your valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! Yecchh! That card wasnt for YOU you moron. Didnt you read the back of the envelope? The back? Calvin please give this to Hobbes. HOBBES?! Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch city here I come! |
| 13/02/89 | Calvin youve got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know Rosalyn Id suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldnt want anything to HAPPEN to these notes would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home Ill... FLUSH AUGH! Theres ONE page! |
| 14/02/89 | Youd better not have really flushed any of my notes! Ive got a big test tomorrow! Well then with that at stake our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You dont get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy youd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready Capn! |
| 15/02/89 | I sure hope you memorized this page already because youre never going to see it again! NO! Dont flush it! Tell me what your stupid demands are. Thats more like it! OK first we want to stay up until my parents drive in. Second we want you to go pick up a pizza and rent us a video player... YOURE OUT OF YOUR MIND! Third... are you writing these down? |
| 16/02/89 | I dont hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? Weve still got her science notes. Doesnt she want them any more? Whats she doing? Maybe shes calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh thatd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening. |
| 17/02/89 | Rosalyn? Are you out here? Are you calling the fire departme... GOTCHA! OH NO! I didnt really flush your notes! Theyre all there! Go look! Please dont kill me! Phooey. Well its 7:00. We got to stay up half-hour later than usual. |
| 18/02/89 | Rosalyn? Were home. Hi Rosalyn. Did you have a quiet evening? Did you get your studying done? ... no huh? Im sorry but tonight is really going to cost you. Youre SURE no one else in this town will agree to baby-sit Calvin? Maybe YOU would like to spend a week on the phone! |
| 19/02/89 | Whats this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! Ill hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy thinking its me! Your enemies must not be very bright. Thats why theyre out to get me. They cant stand my genius. Hey Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down will ya? How can I hide when youre yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked. |
| 20/02/89 | Here we are poised on the precipice of suicide slope. Below us lie the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenalin rush we prepare to hurl ourselves over the bring! What fate awaits us? Ready? No. Life and death hang in the balance! A fraction of a second and one wrong turn are all that separate them! This isnt helping. |
| 21/02/89 | Dad says the anitipationo of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think hes crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I cant think of ANYthing Id rather anticipate than have right away. Can you? Death comes to mind. I dont know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when youre always so morbid. |
| 22/02/89 | I wish snow was dry so that you didnt get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again if snow was dry you couldnt pack it into snowballs. That wouldnt be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldnt that be fun? ... Well no actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck its OK just the way it is. Were glad you approve. |
| 23/02/89 | You can always tell when you get to OUR house. |
| 24/02/89 | I think our snow forts are too far apart. |
| 25/02/89 | Now lets see if Mom jumps out of HER skin. |
| 26/02/89 | CLUMP The pteranodon spreads his giant wings and... |
| 27/02/89 | Look at this Hobbes! I could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs Beanie! See It has a battery powered propeller on top and a big star on the front! Isnt that neat? You have to send in four box Proof of Purchase Seals to get it it says. Well dont just stand there or this will take forever. Ugh. This stuff always makes my heart skip. |
| 28/02/89 | Blechh I feel sick. Oh cmon thats only your second bowl of cereal. This stuff is pure sugar. But its FORTIFIED with eight essential vitamins so its good for you. Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of milk duds. Look it says right on the box part of a wholesome nutritious balanced breakfast. And they show a guy eating five grapefruits a dozen bran muffins... You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency Ill bet. |
| 01/03/89 | Morning Dad! Hows your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal huh? A bowl of pasty bland colorless sludge. Yes. Why dont you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? Ill bet youd rather have a bowl of tasty up-smacking crunchy-on-the-outside chewy-on-the-inside chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No thanks. Im trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie YOU eat the cereal Calvin. |
| 02/03/89 | 1 1/2 boxes to go and Ill have enough Proof of purchases seals to order the propeller beanie they offer. 1 1/3 boxes to go. Man Im EARNING this. |
| 03/03/89 | Hobbes I did it! I ate enough boxes of cereal to get all the proof of purchases seals I need! Now I can order my beanie! Oh boy! I cant wait to get it! Ill be so cool! Not for over a month. It says to allow six weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?!? Ill be OLD then! And Im sure your beanie will be the talk of the rest home. |
| 04/03/89 | Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. Im never going to make it six weeks |
| 05/03/89 | I can never enjoy sundays because in the back of my mind I always know Ive got to go to school the next day. Its like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! Thats outrageous. Your thoughts arent worth that! This one is. At a dollar its the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldnt pay a nickle for any thought youve ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You cant extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was youd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. Cmon just tell me what it is will you? Nothing doing pal. OK OK. Ill give you 25 cents. Thats all I have. Lets see it. Here! 25 cent! Now whats this big expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par... |
| 06/03/89 | Gosh I cant wait to get my beanie! I hop it comes soon. Do you think it will? Its probably been almost six weeks by NOW dont you think. I ordered the red beanie. But what if its not in stock? Should I take the blue one or wait for them to reorder? A blue one would be OK I guess but I sure hope they have a red one. Ive always wanted a beanie like this with a propeller. Boy itll be so cool when I have it. I cant wait. Wow! A red beanie! ... or a blue one. Do you think it will come tomorrow? Do you? It had sure better. Yeah thats how I feel too. |
| 07/03/89 | How was school today? Oh it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today? |
| 08/03/89 | Please let my beanie come today! I promise I wont ever be bad again! Ill do whatever you want! Please please please! Ill never ask another favor if todays the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHATS IT TAKE HUH? |
| 09/03/89 | I cant believe this. Every day I get all my hopes up thinking my beanie will come... and then it doesnt. And for each day that goes by I figure the odds are better that it will come the NEXT day so my hopes get higher and higher before they fall. Its awful. But Ive been disappointed so often now Im finally getting numb to it. Maybe the mailman made a second trip today and delivered it in the last five minutes. Wow! I never thought of that! Cmon! Hes not numb. |
| 10/03/89 | The longer you wait for the mail the less there is in it. |
| 11/03/89 | Im home. I didnt get my propeller beanie today did I? As a matter of fact you did! ITS HERE! Ha ha! It took weeks and weeks of waiting but at long last its finally here! Now I finally finally get to put it on. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. |
| 12/03/89 | Tigers dont worry about much do they? Nope. Thats one of the perks of being feral. Im not having enough fun right now. Youre not? Im just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. Its Sunday. Ive just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I dont want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say Im having the time of my life right now! But here I am and Im NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever even as we speak! Weve got to have MORE fun! Cmon! I didnt realize fun was so much work. Sure! When youre SERIOUS about having fun its not much fun at all! |
| 13/03/89 | Can you believe this? Ive got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am an engineer? Look Ive got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I cant do this! Here let me try. No! Get away! ILL do it! Youd probably goof it all up or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time! |
| 14/03/89 | MY MOTOR BROKE! THE PIECE SNAPPED! NOW MY BEANIE PROPELLOR WONT WORK!! AAGHHGHHH! I waited WEEKS for this and now its BROKEN and I didnt even get to WEAT it! STUPID ROTTEN PIECES OF LOUSY JUNK!! Its all YOUR fault! RRGHHGHHGH! MY fault?! I was just sitting here. YOU broke it! You WILLED me to break it! You did some subliminal thing! Dont deny it! I know you did! You MUST have! OK NOW Im willing you to go jump in the septic tank. |
| 15/03/89 | What are you mad at ME for?! Get away from me! I dont even want to talk to you! YOU broke your beanie motor not ME! I didnt do anything! You distracted me! I did not! I was just SITTING here! You broke it all by yourself! *sniff* *sniffle* ... all right... I know... But considering that my lifes in shambles right now could you at least take the blame? |
| 16/03/89 | Dad can you fix my beanie? I broke the propellor motor trying to put the pieces together. Well lets see. This isnt too bad. You just snapped the battery case. Ill just glue it together and insert the switch for you OK? There! Good as new! Now just let this sit awhile so the glue can set. You did it! You fixed it! I cant believe it! HEY MOM! Dad fixed something! He DID?? Your DAD?? ALL RIGHT! THATS ENOUGH! |
| 17/03/89 | Look Hobbes! Dad fixed my beanie! Well? Hows it look? Adjectives fail me. Im turning it on. Ready? Here goes. I dont seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. THATs the word I was looking for. |
| 18/03/89 | Im not flying! This beanie doesnt make me fly! Whats the point of a propeller beanie if you cant even fly when you wear it? What a rip-off! I ate all that cereal waited weeks and weeks to get the beanie assembled it myself and the dumb thing doesnt even fly! At least its not a TOTAL loss. It came in this great cardboard box. Oh boy! NOW well have some fun! |
| 19/03/89 | Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh.... |
| 20/03/89 | Cmon Calvin! This is the third time Ive called you to get up. I dont want to get up. I dont want to go to school. Well you HAVE to whether you want to or not so lets move. For your information I dont HAVE to do anything I dont WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something. |
| 21/03/89 | I dont want to catch the bus. I dont want to go to school. I dont want to be here at all. Im sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well no I dont. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead. |
| 22/03/89 | Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh YOURE real pleasant this morning. Whats the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around. |
| 23/03/89 | What are you so mad about anyway? Couldnt you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey where IS your insect collection? Its due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No thats not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY?? |
| 24/03/89 | Dont just stand there Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You cant do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it anyway? Its all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Dont you pay attention?! Dont you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth can I have them? |
| 25/03/89 | Here comes the bus Calvin. Its hopeless. Theres a bug! Youre wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didnt spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. Were supposed to have 50 insects. Youll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me! |
| 26/03/89 | Get up Calvin! Im not going to call you again! I bet. Youre going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You dont know the answer? Then sit down. Hey Twinky want to see if theres an afterlife? No you cant go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You dont need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No you cant stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good nights sleep. Tomorrows another big! ... sighhhhhhh... |
| 27/03/89 | Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I cant believe youre doing this. Hey ask that kid if hes got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin theres no way youre going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well maybe youre right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? Ill give you a quarter... or here 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS! |
| 28/03/89 | Hey heres a worm! Worms are bugs arent they? Eww gross Calvin! Thats been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesnt start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute Ill get an Aon my collection. See Im off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! Youre out of your mind. Heres another already. Thats a little ball of lint! Like Im sure the teachers going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids collections! |
| 29/03/89 | RINNGGGG Theres the bell. Weve got to go to class. Rats. I didnt get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug a live ant and a smashed fly. Well if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds maybe youll get an F+. Weve got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually I dont think theres any way youll get an F+. For all this work Id better at least get a D. |
| 30/03/89 | How did you mount your insects Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I dont have a box or pins. I guess Ill just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesnt work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way youre going maybe youd prefer a stapler. |
| 31/03/89 | Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teachers not looking. Shhh! Were not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation Miss Derkins? Perhaps youd like to sit up front so you wont distract Calvin any more? Oh I TRIED to get her to be quiet but you know how girls are. |
| 01/04/89 | Ooooh that rotten Calvin! I hate him! I hate him! HES the one who didnt do his assignment! HES the one who was talking in class! HES the one who should be sitting here at the front of the room not ME! I wasnt doing anything wrong but IM the one who got in trouble! I sure hope Calvin feels terrible about this! Hey Susie Hows the view way up there? Ha! Ha! Calvin P.S. Try to steal a chalkboard eraser for me. |
| 02/04/89 | Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive its Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson lets have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiffs stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh darn out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! |
| 03/04/89 | Psst... here! Hey Susie Roses are red A deep crimson hue When you got in trouble You sure were too! Ha! Ha! Calvin. Calvin you dirty rotten lousy stinking nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you... Writing notes in class now are we Susie? Hey look! Shes turning red again! EEP! |
| 04/04/89 | Oh no. How can this be happening? Ive been sent to see the PRINCIPAL! This is all CALVINS fault! Hes the one who got me in all this trouble! Im so scared! What am I going to do?? I think they make the hall to the Principals office this big on purpose. |
| 05/04/89 | Wow Susie got sent to the Principals office! Shes in trouble NOW all right! *wheww* I sure was lucky the teacher blamed Susie for everything. What a break! Oh no! What if Susie rats on me!? Suppose they make her sing! Suppose she squeals! Suppose she fingers me! Oh Im so relieved. I was afraid you wouldnt believe me. Oh yes weve got quite a file on our friend Calvin. |
| 06/04/89 | Here comes Susie back from the Principals office. Boy does she look plae. I wonder what happened. Shes talking to the teacher now. Psst! Susie what did they do to you? Did you get expelled? You didnt snitch on ME did you? You DID snitch! Youre a STOOLIE! A canary! Youre going up the river Calvin. Calvin will you come here please? |
| 07/04/89 | So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection which I got a D-minus on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! Ive been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. Ill bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what? |
| 08/04/89 | One of natures most peculiar-looking creatures the giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height enables him to much on the most succulent morsels most difficult to reach. |
| 09/04/89 | Whenever I need to do some serious thinking I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I dont believe in ethics any more. As far as Im concerned the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the gettings good - thats what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! Its a dog-eat-dog world so Ill do whatever I have to and let others argue about whether its rightor not. HEYY! WHYD YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now youre not. The ends justify the means. I didnt mean for EVERYONE you dolt! Just ME! Ahh... |
| 10/04/89 | GOTCHA!! HEY! Just what do you think youre doing back down HERE?! You didnt read me my rights. |
| 11/04/89 | Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard! Oh reall. What do they look like? Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say. Did they say what they want? Yeah they want 10 dollars. Ill bet they do. Since youre so busy you can give the money to me and Ill take it over to them. |
| 12/04/89 | No text. |
| 13/04/89 | How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dads job. And it appears to be the ONLY Dads job around here! Left the dishes for Mom again huh? Tonights story is called Why Prince Charming Stayed Single. Prince WHAT? |
| 14/04/89 | Ive been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the worlds greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? Theyll say Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub.What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly? |
| 15/04/89 | NNNGKGKK HOCCHHHH PTOOEY! Boy they sure go farther when you make em right! Lets make up a NEW contest OK? |
| 16/04/89 | IM HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it you moron! Im not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh I cant WAIT to here THIS one explained. |
| 17/04/89 | HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this. |
| 18/04/89 | Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! How? (hic) Scare me. OK... Our oceans are filled with garbage weve created a hole in the ozone thats frying the planet nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... (hic) I mean SURPRISE me (hic). That doesnt?! Boy youre cynical. |
| 19/04/89 | Here. Drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. The (hic) far side of (hic) the glass? (hic) How do I (hic) do THAT? You have to bend your head way over. Oh (hic) I see. (hic) Thanks. Now Ive got the hiccups AND water up my nose. I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patients friends. |
| 20/04/89 | These (hic) hiccups are driving me (hic) crazy. Eat a spoonful of sugar. Thats supposed to help. Ill (hic) try anything. CRUNCH SMACK SMACK Well? Are you cured? (hic) Nope. Id better (hic) eat some more. |
| 21/04/89 | My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic |
| 22/04/89 | Look Calvin I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No jelly doughnuts gross me out. Theyre like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin. |
| 23/04/89 | I cant sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime the world always seem so big and scary and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HES asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what hes dreaming about. Good ol Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when youve got a best friend. Z Z Z Z |
| 24/04/89 | Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time were going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dads waiting. But what if I forgot something? Were only going overnight. Youll get by. |
| 25/04/89 | Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We cant turn around Calvin. Were late already. But DA-AD!! You couldve been ready on time and had all your things together but you put up a fuss about going made us late and you forgot your tiger. Its your own fault. Youd turn around if wed forgotten MOM! Thats because shes the only one who knows where the place is. Har har. |
| 26/04/89 | When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I dont even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I cant believe we left him at home. I hope hes OK. Whats he going to eat? We didnt leave any food out and well be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think Ill let Dad go into the house first. |
| 27/04/89 | Hey Mom how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Dont play with the phone Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure hes OK. Hobbes isnt going to answer the phone. Dont be silly. Youll see him tomorrow. But hes probably all lonely! Im sure hes having a good time. I hope he isnt renting some movie that I wanted to see. |
| 28/04/89 | Mom I cant sleep. Im sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isnt here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well you can listen to your Dad snoring. Thats Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway. |
| 29/04/89 | Well were finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy I didnt think wed EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh its drafty in here... The windows smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES! |
| 30/04/89 | True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals dont try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals arent conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems they comfort you when youre sad and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* Its so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of a little kindness Id have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while. |
| 01/05/89 | Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! Ill call the police! WHERES HOBBES? I cant believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh I KNEW we shouldnt have left him here! Mom I cant find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... Its OK Calvin. Calm down. Im sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I dont think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. Cmon lets go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff |
| 02/05/89 | The police say theyll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No were looking for Hobbes. Calvins almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. Im scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately were ALL someone else to someone else. |
| 03/05/89 | Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldnt have been stolen because hes not valuable. ...(sniff) Well I think hes valuable. |
| 04/05/89 | Hobbes? Are you down there? Youve got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? Hes not hurt is he? Hes fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes Im so glad to see you!! Youre safe and sound! (sniff) And now I am too! It looks like were a whole family again. Such as it is yes. |
| 05/05/89 | ... and the televisions gone too. Do you happen to have the serial number? Ill bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin not now OK? Im busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger thats for sure! Mandibles of death thats what Hobbes has! Roght. Why dont you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job. |
| 06/05/89 | Ive swept up most of the glass from the window. OK Ill get something to cover up the hole. Do you think its safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said theyd drive by and well leave lots of lights on. Ugh its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I dont feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh I cant wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry. |
| 07/05/89 | Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon its 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? Its Saturday! I dont need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! |
| 08/05/89 | Is Calvin asleep? Yes hes snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy I dont know how IM ever going to sleep. Me neither. I cant get over whats happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess youll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come IM the grown-up?? |
| 09/05/89 | This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. Its almost 2 and Im wide awake. When someone breaks into your home it shatters your last illusion of security. If youre not safe in your own home youre not safe anywhere. A mans home is his castle but it shouldnt have to be a fortress. |
| 10/05/89 | Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. Its funny... when I was a kid I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I dont think Id have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if Id known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed. |
| 11/05/89 | Well at least we werent in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. Were all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things but things dont matter much really. Its hard to believe how often we forget that. |
| 12/05/89 | Can I be excused now? You didnt finish your dinner. Well I didnt like it very much and theres this TV show I want to watch so... Our TV was stolen remember? Gosh I guess Ill eat my asparagus do my homework and go straight to bed then. And were so proud of how you handle adversity. |
| 13/05/89 | This is where our television used to be. But we dont have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am not being entertained. A pointless existence huh? I mean the wall is even plain old WHITE! |
| 14/05/89 | Dear Mom How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom wake up! I made you a Mothers Day card! Why how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red But then I thought Id rather spend the money on me instead. Its awfully hard to buy things when ones allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess youre pretty lucky I got you anything at all. Happy Mothers Day to you. There I said it. Now Im done. So how bout getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for your son? Im deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance? |
| 15/05/89 | Good news Hobbes! Im starting a secret club and you can be in it! Oh boy! Itll be great! Well think of secret names for ourselves secret codes for our secret correspondence a secret handshake... Well have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in and well do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think youre up to something. |
| 16/05/89 | OK the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Lets call it The Hobbes Fan Club! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! IM SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club! I still like my idea better. |
| 17/05/89 | I got it! Well call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way Susie Derkins cant join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh no you dont! This whole club was my idea so I get to be president. OK then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey no! THATS what I want to be! You can be President. |
| 18/05/89 | Hi Calvin! What are you doing making paper hats? Can I make one too? Dont be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Slimy girls?! I know thats redundant but otherwise it doesnt spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS ARENT SLIMY! Dont get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and Im all clean. |
| 19/05/89 | I cant believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! Theres nothing wrong with girls! See Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. Youre the meanest most rotten little kid I know! Well fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I dont want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow what a great club! |
| 20/05/89 | OK weve got a sign for our secret club so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm theres not much room with the car here. Lets push it into the drive. Shouldnt you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She wont care if we push it out. Cmon. In the past youve been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about. |
| 21/05/89 | BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Lets face it were aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. Were doing big important things and we dont need to mess them up. It doesnt look to ME like youre doing anything important. Well we are so go away. Weve wasted too much time talking to you already. Youre just playing in the mud! Thats just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right you little creep! I dont need you! Ive got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly Ill show YOU! Dont bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh spring! THat magical time of the year when a young mans fancy turns to love! Shut up. |
| 22/05/89 | Help me push the car out of the garage. I cant budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then shed probably say no and we wont have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DONT ask her well get in trouble. We wont get in trouble! Every time you say that we go. Mom wouldnt care about these things if she wouldnt keep finding out about them. |
| 23/05/89 | Look stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. Well move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that my tail gets all bushy. Oh knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didnt bother her. Well she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey the cars not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think youre Moms going to be bothered. |
| 24/05/89 | STOP THE CAR! ITS STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! Its going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I cant catch the door! Oh no! Oh no! Its going to go into the road! Dont follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!! |
| 25/05/89 | I havent seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means hes getting in trouble. |
| 26/05/89 | The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERES NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I cant watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray were dead. |
| 27/05/89 | Oh man oh man oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? Ill bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN. |
| 28/05/89 | Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of lifes problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies dont you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful high-paying jobs and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous thrill-packed and filled with applause dont you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course if life was really like that what would we watch on TV? |
| 29/05/89 | My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah I doubt your parents figured youd wreck their car before you were 16. |
| 30/05/89 | What are we going to do?? Well never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they wont even notice if we just dont say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK Ill try to get the maps out of the glove compartment. |
| 31/05/89 | Hi Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean Im just wondering. Im going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... Im REALLY hungry! No need to get up or look for example out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! Whats the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh why do you ask?? |
| 01/06/89 | I got a couple of sandwiches made but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? Wed better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES COME ON! Well be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Moms bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If were not in the next county by then its curtains! Lets GO! Wheres a freight train when you really need one? |
| 02/06/89 | POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK (POOF)... I think weve got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. Shes probably called Dad at work and hes probably on his way home now! |
| 03/06/89 | Well were surely in some other state by now. Lets stop here. Boy it never once occurred to me that Id be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? Im so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I cant believe it. |
| 04/06/89 | Ahhhh... Uh-oh. Something is seriously wrong here. The laws of perspective have been repealed! Objects no longer diminish in size with distance! Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. All spatial relationships are lost! Its impossible to judge where anything is! Oh no! CALVIN! Quite running around the house and crashing into things or Ill sell you to the monkey house! ... and now SHEs lost perspective. |
| 05/06/89 | Whats going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh did someone have an accident? It looks like theres a car in the ditch! ... but I dont see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that the car wouldve had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway! |
| 06/06/89 | Well Moms sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you cant go home again. |
| 07/06/89 | Whats that sound? I dont hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe its a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. Boy 6 killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble. |
| 08/06/89 | Do you think were safe? Should we climb higher? Its hard to say with bears. There it is! The bears coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like its on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when theyre really mad!! Wait thats not a bear. Thats your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WO |